There is some overlap between assholes and “high-quality men“.
And some of that overlap is what makes both attractive.
So in this article, we will review:
- Commonalities between assholes and high-value men
- Attractive asshole sub-types
The goal is to avoid the “too nice”, low-power, and sucker trap, and to take inspiration from “good assholes”.
- “Good Asshole” Traits & Behaviors
- Asshole Archetypes
- “Asshole Phase” For Growth?
“Good Asshole” Traits & Behaviors
Sometimes, an eagle might be (mis)labeled an asshole.
Some other times the high-quality men might just have a bad day, or have run out of patience. Can happen.
But sometimes, the overlap exists because it can be fair to act in ways that some people might (mis)label “asshole”.
So let’s review when to turn “good asshole”:
1. Set your top priorities as “non-negotiable take it or leave it”
It’s asshole-like -and just plain ineffective- to never compromise.
But it’s too nice guy to always compromise.
Instead, a high-quality man is willing to compromise on something, happy to compromise on something else to make his partner happy… And then he has a few things he does not compromise on.
For those uncompromisables, he stands steadfast.
And if she cannot respect that, he either sends her packing for the day, or explains that it’s either she accepts it, or he has to go ahead on his own.
It’s also fair to have priorities that are higher than your date or spouse. Even if you place your spouse at the top of the list, there may still be times when something else is more urgent.
It’s fair during those times to demand and expect she respects your higher priorities, that she willingly takes a step back, or even that she supports you through them.
2. Demand a balance of give & take
An asshole -or just a poor dater- may make it a point to always take more than he gives.
A nice guy white knight instead may give far more than he receives and either be cool with that, or try to give even more.
An “eagle” instead is far more fluid, and he adapts to people, goals, and circumstances.
However, he generally doesn’t like or appreciate women who demand more than they give, and he generally rejects relationships where he is “shortchanged” (ie.: “sucker’s trades”).
It’s fair to expect she comes on the first date
Talking about locomotion here.
For example, if you approached, texted first, invited her out, and are going to pay… You’re doing most of the work + picking up the tab.
As long as you meet at a location that is also easy for her to reach, it’s fair to expect her to come to you.
You lead and pay, she moves -fair enough deal-.
3. Demand basic respect and decency
Decency and basic respect are in part subjective.
But they’re not infinitely subjective, and some basics are more like iron rules.
Some of them might include:
- Always treat each other respectfully
- No yelling
- No aggression or threats
- Always treat those you care about respectfully
- No disrespecting your family and friends
- Stable, level-headed, healthy behavior (99% of the time)
- No addictions or substance abuse tolerated
- No damaging property in fits of anger
But may include simpler expectations like:
- No constant lateness if you demanded punctuality as a sign of respect
- Following through on promises
- No empty talk and reneging
You’ll need to grow a feel for what you want, and what can and cannot tolerate.
Once you know what you won’t tolerate, same as above: you stand steadfast and it’s either she drops it and vows to never again cross that line, or you’ll have to take “important decisions”.
Reverse of Basic Respect & Decency: Example
My friend had broken up with his girlfriend.
Then one morning she showed up at his place still drunk after a night out partying.
She woke him up, he took her in, took good care of her, and took her back.
Sometime later, she hit him.
He felt terrible about it, had his doubts about her… But doubled down on his efforts to make it work.
The same girl complained about my friend meeting me too often, and started so much drama one evening, that he had to cancel our next day’s appointment.
I love my friend, but he was being a pushover.
A good asshole instead would have:
- She wakes him up early morning, he sends her packing
- Alternatively, have sex with her, then tell her he has something to work on
- She hits him, he hits her back and ends it -ending it without hitting back is also an option. But shame her with “what the fuck was that, are you stupid or what, violence is never OK”-
- She complains he meets his friend too often, he still meets his friend.
An eagle way of approaching it would be:
The point is not whether I see him too often or not, the point is that I like meeting my friend and I expect my partner to be happy if I do things that make me happy and do not harm us
If she insists and just can’t be happy if you have good friends, a good asshole may reply: “maybe I am seeing you too often”.
4. Cut off those who make you worse off
There is one caveat to “giving and adding value”:
The further you grow, the fewer people can truly add value to you.
That’s a good thing. And it also means you must not always demand value to include people in your life -or to like them or love them-.
However, there should at least be a willingness to support you and add value OR gratitude for all you do.
No willingness to chip in and no gratitude are huge red flags of someone’s character.
Remember that “adding VS taking value” are all-encompassing terms that include everything, from happiness to wealth, time, energy, and all in between.
It’s something most people are naturally aware of.
And still, as obvious as that should be, too many guys, deep in the throngs of emotional attachment, forget to make that natural assessment and ask:
is this person making me better off, or worse off?
If they make you worse off, only a too nice guy would keep being “nice”.
A “good asshole” would simply part ways, and that’d be best for all.
Read again the mini case-study above: was my friend’s girlfriend making him better off?
Nope, and it showed.
My friend was most often upset with her, and rarely happy.
But, at the time of writing, he’s still too “nice” to end it.
5. Go for what you want
This is the essence of a good asshole.
Going for what you want is most difficult for nice guys when it means:
- Displeasing someone
I’m afraid though that anything worthwhile in life entails competition, as well the displeasure of not always winning those competitions.
The good news, and this might help you shift your mindset, is that:
Competing and winning maximize value creation for everyone.
Drill that into your mind.
The only exceptions are the direct loser(s) of course.
But why should you focus on them?
The net result of competition is still net-positive.
When you refuse to compete because someone might be displeased, you’re making the world worse off.
The lower the competition level, the fewer the options and quality for the buyers.
Worst of all is if you could have won. Because it means that whatever the winner does or gets -including women-, he’s not gonna provide the best product -or partner-.
So, for you being “too nice”, there’s going to be one unworthy winner and two losers.
So go out there, and compete.
(Potentially) Her boyfriend is not your concern
This is a potentially grey area of competition:
What if there is already a contract in place -or an official relationship, which is also a form of contract-?
Well, different situations end up at different points on that grey continuum.
However, I think it’s entirely possible to make a good argument that, in many circumstances, it’s fair for you not to care about her relationship status.
You can read here for more.
After all, if she doesn’t deem it worth preserving and respecting… Why should you?
Assholes don’t just overlap (slightly) with high-quality men.
They also overlap with other archetypes of men who can be equally or even more attractive.
Let’s review some of them:
Eagle With “Asshol-ish Moments”
This isn’t even a “sub-type” of asshole.
But it’s worth reminding that you can be a high-quality, value-adding man, and still have some “moments” that, if taken on their own, might be labeled “asshol-ish”.
Also, some “asshole moments” during a date or an interaction can increase attraction.
“Asshole moments” can provide an attractive edge and stave off the risk you may pass for a low power “too nice guy”.
These “moments” also provide emotional spikes, jolt her out of torpor, and pierce the unseductive veil of political correctness.
Of course the effectiveness of “asshole moments” is target-dependent.
Some women are too risk-averse and very unattracted to asshole, so with them keep “clean”.
These women make for good girlfriends, and you will recognize them for being very feminine, often submissive or unassertive, and generally uncomfortable at anything reeking of “asshol-ish”.
But some interactions may benefit from “asshole moments”.
See Seduction University for examples.
Asshole Sprinkles in Online Dating
The “asshole sprinkling approach” can be useful in online dating.
And especially so if your online dating profile risks looking to “clean”.
I recommend the asshole subtypes of “bad boy”, “daredevil” or “rebel” that best match your personality.
If you like bikes, for example, something like this is good:
If you’re more of a “straight edge” type, then you may opt for this version of that same “motorcycle theme”:
The “pro-social asshole” directs his aggression toward the “real” anti-social folk.
A time ago, walking with an ex-girlfriend, I saw junk-food wrapping in the street right in front of a trash bin.
I thought how stupid people could be, trashing their own cities.
So I walked to it, picked it up, and slammed it in the bin as I commented about the “fucking animals” who can’t even put their trash where it belongs.
My girlfriend, with an emphatic sigh, uttered these verbatim words: “oooh, now I love you even more”.
Circumstantial evidence is not great evidence, but it wasn’t a one-off.
More than once I noticed that anger or an attitude of superiority and/or social climbing on takers is attractive.
And, again, it jibes well with the research we’ve seen in the asshole dating analysis.
So if you dislike someone because of the harm he causes to society, let it rip.
Idealogues and Revolutionaries
Ideologues and revolutionaries can be bad but become “good” for fighting a bigger evil.
Ideologues are more intellectual while revolutionaries are more action-oriented.
As per basic power dynamics, they become more attractive with more power, status, and followers.
Avoid: virtue-signaling, the weak form of pro-social idealogue
Virtue signaling is the risk-free, low-power, and manipulative way to gain some points of “pro-social ass-holishness”.
Virtue signalers seek power by finger-pointing and attacking the supposed -and often made-up- “bad people”.
However, virtue signalers aren’t very attractive because they’re often low power followers.
They can also look phony as they fail to recognize their own dark side, and many people -and women- can see through that fakeness.
The bad boy is one of the best asshole subsets.
He keeps the positive traits of high power, social confidence, and alluring “slight anti-social edge”, but he isn’t necessarily rude, in your face, or irritating.
And he has more latitude for honesty, feelings, and win-win.
If you were to go for bad-boy type on that same “motorbike theme”:
Similar to the bad boy.
The allure of the rebel is in the strength to reject and buck society’s rules of “proper conduct”.
By not (completely) toeing the line, the rebel sub-communicates he reaches at least a minimum threshold of self-confidence.
And, if successful, that he can thrive while “living by his own rules”, which is not something that everyone can say.
Any alternative lifestyle, including artists, are tamer but potentially even more universally attractive versions of rebels (especially if successful, of course).
PRO Tip: rule-breaking, something you may borrow
Rule-breaking can be very effective to seduce women.
See Seduction University for more.
Daredevils are high in fearlessness and are the epitome of unneediness, without the nastiness.
Because their thirst for thrills is so high that cannot be squelched by a run-of-the-mill relationship, they pursue their passion far more than they pursue women -or any individual woman-.
Avoid: Posturing Asshole
Most of all, avoid the “posturing asshole”.
The posturing asshole is the guy who pretends to be an asshole as a hail-mary to some attention and reactions.
No hating on this guy, he’s often just at his very first (mis)steps towards self-development.
But still, you don’t wanna be him.
“Asshole Phase” For Growth?
You don’t wake up one day and start flying.
Before you soar, you may bounce off the ground a few times.
I wouldn’t necessarily call that an “asshole phase”, but more of a “recalibration phase”.
Some authors advise pursuing an asshole phase just to learn assertiveness.
I’m not sure and not convinced it’s a necessary step.
But, in some cases, it may help.
Good Asshole Training
Some ideas to train the “good asshole” within you:
- Tell street solicitors to stop annoying people
- Tell street volunteers you hate whatever cause they’re supporting-WWF? No thanks, you hate animals. Unicef? No thanks, you hate children, etc. etc.-
- Publicly share or say a “truth bomb”, something you believe but that is provocative or even offensive to some
- Enjoy and share dark humor, a seemingly insignificant but important step, since many people out of touch with their dark side are ashamed of even enjoying dark humor
- Tell a friend or acquaintance to stop complaining and start moving his ass: which sometimes is exactly what they need to hear
- Tell a feminist that “all women need a man”: hold that frame for a minute or so, then say you were joking. BUT add that still a good chunk of feminists are angry and toxic and she should stay away from that
- Fire annoying customers and tell them why, ie.: their money isn’t worth the trouble they bring, that no money in the world is worth their poor attitude, or that you simply don’t like them. This website fired several customers, including publicly (she thought, and some readers probably also did, I was an asshole)
- Leave public negative reviews after bad services, which actually… It’s the most pro-social thing you can do
None of these are “bad asshole” but they start pushing that boundary that nice guys fear is too asshole-like.
And that’s a boundary that sometimes you should be able -and comfortable- crossing.
- Avoid the “retard challenge”
To increase social confidence some authors recommend behavior such as “negotiate down the price of a coffee”, “lay down on a busy street” or “yell in public”.
I’m not a big fan of that: acting like an (annoying) retard seems like a long detour to social confidence.
If you wanna follow that principle, then get all eyes on you and stick out in a unique, less retard way. Say, wear a suit at the low-end club, or dress like a biker at the opera.
Sometimes strong and fair boundaries, self-defense, or goal-orientation may be confused by some for asshole behavior.
However, the ability to assert yourself and, when needed, put yourself, your mission, or your goals first are NOT asshole traits.
They only seem asshole-like to meeker, undriven, low-power, or collectivist virtue signalers who have not come to grips with their own dark side.
In truth, they are important qualities for any man going places -as well non-negotiable traits for any leader taking others to any worthwhile place-.
This is an excerpt from Seduction University, where we keep the best and most practical content.