Cold approaches as intimidating for most men.
Luckily, if you do it well, it’s easy and with a high chance of going great.
This guide mixes personal experience with studies and data.
By the end of it, you will know exactly what truly works best to approach women.
1. Pre-Approach: Look High-Power
A great approach starts before even saying hi.
It starts with “who you are” -and how she sees you behaving-.
The men who were the most successful did more of this:
Do more intra-sexual touching
Onlookers perceive nonreciprocal touch as a sign of a dominance-submission pattern.
That means that you’re high-status in the group.
Adopt open body language
Open body language signals confidence and comfort.
Take up more space
In many species, humans included, the most dominant member commands the largest space. You can check a few picture examples here.
However, don’t overdo it: it’s easy to go from comfortable to immature and tacky.
Glance around more
There are two types of “glancing” in the study:
- Type 1 is sweeping around the room
- Type 2 is more toward a target
Don’t overdo any of them as too much of the first means “scanning for threats” while too much of the latter can turn into “weird”.
The main point here: don’t look down or “collapse” into your drink.
Social power was communicated through the use of frequent and expressive hand gestures. You might want to add some gesticulation to your interactions.
Touch yourself more
No, not private touching.
But touching the beard or growth area is a display of manliness.
2. Let Her See You (Being Cool)
Alright, so now you’re cool and high-power.
Well, she has to see you being cool, or it doesn’t count.
This study confirms what’s helped me get me results that cannot be matched by “random approaches”.
So, what’s the secret?
By far the best, the best thing you can do to make your approach a welcome success is to have her be attracted to you before you even approach.
Don’t worry too much about what that “attracted” means: anything is better than her not seeing you at all.
As a matter of fact, even her simply seeing you, just seeing you, is much better than appearing in front of her as a total stranger.
To have her notice you, you can use the behavior we discussed earlier.
- Stand cooly watching the sunset while you sip your drink
- Walk past without looking at her with a confident smile
- Talk animatedly with a friend as if you couldn’t care at all about the world around
Most of all, do your own thing without looking at her: let her look at you first.
A great way of being noticed, of course, is to stand out.
Here is an example of how it’s helped me:
Her: and I thought you are their manager or director
That’s what she said after I approached her.
The girl thought I was the manager of the show.
Now imagine what a difference it does if a guy goes to say hi to a girl as a random stranger she didn’t notice, or as a guy she thought was the head honcho of the night.
Huge difference, no?
Day and night, I’d say.
An easy and reliable way to “be cool” is taking care of the basics and how you move and behave (see “Power University”), plus having cool groups of friends in which you have high status.
3. Glance at Her
There is a caveat here, so bear with me for a second.
The issue with locking eye contact for long is that making it obvious you’re looking at her gives your game away.
And it can give your power away, too.
There’s an exception for more advanced folks.
If she likes you and you’re an exciting presence you can spark a certain “wolf preying on a lamb dynamic”. And don’t listen to the PC police, if she’s into you, that can be very exciting.
She’ll be wondering when you’re going to make your move, and she’ll be worried if she’ll be cool enough for you (that’s ideal, then once you’re there build her up to show that yes, you think she’s at your level).
Or don’t look at her at all.
Anything less than confident and at the top of your game though, your safest bet is not to look at her.
Indeed, giving your game away if she doesn’t perceive you as awesome (yet) would mean slotting yourself into the chasing position.
Note: however, it’s still best if she has seen you before. Studies show females report discomfort in being approached by a male whom she hasn’t seen or not yet made eye contact with (Renninger & Bradbury).
4. Walk Up to Her
Here are a few different ways you’ll begin your approach nonverbally:
With Eye Contact: Smile and Walk Directly
If you’re looking eye contact, you can start walking towards her.
However, here’s an important tip: SMILE. If you start walking towards her without smiling it can seem confrontational.
You want her to be excited, to fear that she might not be up to your level… But you do not want her to fear you.
Without Eye Contact: Go to Her Side
You don’t want to open from behind -God forbid- and to stand right in front of her and startle her.
The best approach when she hasn’t seen you yet is from the side.
Playing The Game: Pretend You’re There by Chance
Here is an advanced move for you.
What if you haven’t done any eye contact and if you don’t want to signal any interest?
A great move, in that case, is to pretend you ended up near her “by chance”.
This is how most women will do it with guys they like and this is how you want to do it too.
A few ideas:
- Walk past and pretend you’ve just noticed her
- Go to the bar while she’s there but pretend you’re only there to get your drink. Then drop a casual “how’s your night going”
- Go to the bathroom 5-6 minutes after she’s gone and greet her as she walks out
5. Say “Hey, Hi”
You can face two different alternatives:
Smile And Just Say “Hi” If You’ve Been Exchanging Glances
If you have been looking at each other, an interesting thing sometimes happens.
It’s a little game I call “you know that I know that you know”.
The frame is that both of you know there is some chemistry and some mutual liking going on.
When you approach the girl after you have been looking at each other, you are walking an easy, downhill path.
At this point, put on a sexy smile and just say “hi”.
This is what your smile and nonverbal will communicate:
You know why I’m here, and I know you like me too. And it’s quite exciting
More on what you say later.
Let Her Look at You First If You Haven’t Locked Eye Contact
Who’s looking at who is a sign of who is pursuing who.
If you were looking at her first, it means you noticed her first while she didn’t.
And it subtly but importantly slots you as the party with the lowest value of the two.
Instead, you will slightly nudge her to make her look at you first.
You can do it by placing your hand lightly on her arm, for example. Or you can start talking to her while looking ahead or past her (instead of looking at her like most guys do).
Then when she turns, very quickly, you return your gaze to meet her eyes.
Most of all, you want to avoid the all too uncommon “startling effect”, such that she turns to face you and sees you staring at her.
That’s very predatory, and not in a good way.
Just imagine turning around and seeing someone interested in you before you even realize what’s going on:
6. Start Talking (& Lead)
Plenty of ink has been poured on what to say to women since The Game.
What you say depends on the situation, of course.
If she saw you being cool and/or if you had strong eye contact and she returned interest, then I recommend you keep on that good vibe and retain as much power as possible by not telling her you like her.
BUT, you can compliment her on something unique about her if anything truly caught your attention.
If she thinks you’re cool upon approach, you help raise her to your level with a compliment and it communicates you’re only interested in women you find attractive because of X.
Here are some good ways of starting an approach with a compliment:
I love women with a good style and that dress is… Fabulous.
Start with an even bigger bang:
You: I have to say… You have the sexiest legs I’ve seen in a while
(pause, she laughs)
My name is Lucio, hi
Starting strong is the best and my favorite way.
Look Gosling does it:
Him: I find you attractive, do you find me attractive?
I generally don’t recommend that so early though, it’s too high risk.
His opening though was perfect.
Something simpler though for when you don’t have a Hollywood script to support you:
How’s your night going
Or if the vibe was just great, go up there and smile without saying anything (or just say “hey”).
That communicates that you know she’s into you and will start the conversation with a collaboratively sexual undertone.
In this article a few more ideas of how to start a conversation.
Mindset: Carry the Conversation
The mindset here is that it’s up to you to make it a good interaction.
If they’re happy to have you and talk a lot, you can sit back a bit.
If they don’t talk much, you must do the work.
7. Start With Light Banter
I found that the best way to start an approach is with some humor and some light laughing.
It does a few good things:
- Provides a valve to release tension
- Show you’re a socially savvy guy, which increases attraction
- If you make her smile, she’s already following your lead
- Provides good vibes
- Dispel doubts and fears
The last one is important.
The first moment you approach a girl indeed her brain is on full alert. And she is wondering if you are:
- As cool as you seemed
- Going to stick to her like glue (socially dangerous)
- Weird and causing troubles
She is hoping you’re awesome, but she is also worried you’re lame and she will have to reject you. Or worse, that you might be a threat.
Avoid Overly Serious
A failure to make the interaction light and fun in the beginning and starting off too seriously is a common mistake.
Many a great couple never got together, sacrificed on the altar of a too serious beginning: don’t fall for that!
How to Make Light Banter
Flirting is great light banter.
Here are a few lines you can use:
You: And what brought you here. Looking for some boys to have fun?
Her: And how’s your night going
You: Give me a beer, and I’m always good
(but make sure she knows you’re joking, nobody likes an alcoholic)
Positivity is also great to show you’re a well-adjusted and likely high-value man:
You: What’s not to love about tonight. An awesome, vibrant city, a light summer breeze, a beautiful sunset… Life is beautiful
And some more ideas here for you:
8. Make Her Invest
Having women do something for you subconsciously tells them that they must like you.
The earlier you can get her to do something for you and the more significant it is, the faster your approach will move to seduction.
For example, you can:
- Ask her to move a little bit
- Tell her to move with you
- Pick the most comfortable position for yourself (she invests more in the interaction if she’s in the most uncomfortable position)
- Tell her to stop talking for a second (you need to have a good reason for this though)
- Ask her to show you something (pics of her art on the phone, her bracelet, etc.)
- Make her talk about herself -ideally, trying to prove to you she’s good enough for you-
Also, research shows that a light touch increases compliance.
Before you ask her to move with you, or before you ask her to trade contact information, lightly touch her on the arm.
9. Get to Know Her
After the initial banter, you want to go a bit deeper.
The idea is that you want to show her that you are only interested in high-value women and you will only show deeper interest after she has proven to you that she is one.
Here are a few keys to getting to know her well:
- Talk about personal topics
- Talk about emotional topics (no work, weather, etc.)
- Keep it uplifting
- Make it light again for a second when it’s too serious for too long, then go back
- Bring the conversation always back to her
How Long Should You Talk?
If there is sexual chemistry, keep it up and seek to move her to a sex location ASAP.
If things are going well, but not that well, just keep going.
Move her with you. For example, tell her you two should sit, or go out for some air. If she’s following your lead, great. Ramp up intimacy, and then tell her you two should go somewhere alone.
But if you just want to swap contacts, it’s important you don’t make the interaction too long or too awesome. If you do it and then don’t stick around, she might feel you’re not serious, not ballsy enough, or not interested.
Max 7 minutes if you want to swap contacts.
And do this if she says no the first time.
10. Lead & Show Higher Power
Finally, women lust for men who are “better than they are“.
Especially when it comes to power, status, and dominance.
This whole website is dedicated to power.
But an easy way of doing it is to honestly disagree with something she says and control the frame.
Approaching a girl successfully starts before the actual approach.
Here are the steps of the ideal approach in summary:
- Let her see you being cool and high value
- Lock eye contact a few times to make her think about you and let her fantasize about your approach (or to come her come to you, big bonus)
- Say hi (make it look natural, or go from the side)
- If there’s a lot of sexual tension, keep it up and seek to quickly move to a sex location
- If not, banter and joke, in the beginning, to put her at ease and display your social skills
- Generally, keep it light, but get to know her better, AND let her know you as well
- Make her invest in you and the interaction
- Ask questions, and let her explain
- Task her
- Move her
- Display leadership and higher power (frame control, openly disagree when you disagree, challenge her, strategically self-promote yourself, etc.)
- Stick with her if you want to pull later, or propose you two should meet another day