There are thousands of articles on how to cold approach a girl.
Some are good, some are great, and some are terrible.
This article will take a different approach.
It will mix personal experience with whatever is available from studies and data.
The goal is that by the end of it, you will know what truly works when it comes to effectively approaching a woman.
The Science of An Approach
This section will review the scientific research on what makes a good approach:
Before the Approach
There is a famous study called Getting That Female Glance: Patterns and consequences of male nonverbal behavior in courtship contexts.
The study observed forty men on fourteen evenings in three different bars and recorded their approaches and success rate.
The men who were the most successful presented a higher incidence of the following behavior prior to the approach:
- Intra-sexual touching
Onlookers tend to perceive nonreciprocal touch as the sign of a dominance-submission pattern or a major status differential.
What does that mean to you?
- If someone is talking to you putting their elbow on your shoulder, touching you a bit too much or “playfully shoving you”, make them stop or do the same right back to neutralize the effect.
- Since touchers are perceived as having more status and more social power than do those being touched, you can consider touching the people around you a bit more.
Note: just make sure not to overdo it.
- Open body positioning
Open body is a sign of non-fear and comfort, and both are major signs of status and confidence.
- Open body language
- Space maximization movements
In many species, humans included, the most dominant member commands the largest space. You can check a few picture examples here.
However, don’t overdo it: it’s easy to go from comfortable to immature and tacky.
- Type 1 is sweeping around the room
- Type 2 is more towards a target
Eye contact is the most frequently used courtship-initiation tactic. The first type of glancing is to “scout the room and the surrounding”.
The second is eye contact proper.
Social power was communicated through the use of frequent and expressive hand gestures. You might want to add some gesticulation to your interactions.
Touching the beard or growth area, a display of manliness.
The Basics: Your Fundamentals
These are some of the most important basics that science has proven to increase the chances of your approach (and subsequent interaction) going well:
- Cure appearances & dress well
One research has shown that the biggest turn off for women were men in a disheveled appearance.
Which means: dress well.
Too many men are swayed by the belief that women prefer men with deeper voices.
Well, that’s true, people usually prefer leaders with deeper voice, but the biggest mistake you can make is trying to force your voice lower: it’s unnatural, sounds weird and it’s try-hard.
Focus instead of getting your voice right.
Proper posture is a strong indicator of health, vitality and even status.
How to Approach Her
10 steps for a successful approach:
#1. Pick a Girl You’re Interested
A targeted approach is usually better than talking to anyone.
Talking to a lot of people is great to oil your social muscles, but when you want to approach a girl romantically, it’s best you have that clear in your mind.
Picking one girl will give you a bit more of a sexual edge.
Note: on the other hand, if you’re too nervous, it’s OK to approach with a friends-first mentality as that will make you more relaxed.
#2. Let Her See You (Being Cool)
This study confirms something that I always liked to do and that always helped me get me results that cannot be matched by “random approaches”.
So, what’s the secret?
By far the best, best thing you can do to make your approach a welcome success is to have her be attracted to you before you even approach.
Don’t worry too much about what that “attracted” means: anything is better than her not seeing you at all.
As a matter of fact, even her simply seeing you, just seeing you, is much better than appearing in front of her as a total stranger.
To have her notie you, you can use the behavior we discussed earlier.
- Stand cooly watching at the sunset while you sip your drink
- Walk past without looking at her with a confident smile
- Talk animatedly with a friend as if you couldn’t care at all about the world around
Most of all, do you own thing without looking at her: let her look at you first.
#3. Glance at Her
There is a caveat here, so bare with me for a second.
The thing with locking eye contact and making it obvious you’re looking at her is that you give your game away.
If she likes you and you’re an exciting presence you can spark a certain “wolf preying on a lamb dynamic”. And don’t listen to the PC police, if she’s into you, that can be very exciting.
She’ll be wondering when you’re going to make your move, and she’ll be worried if she’ll be cool enough for you (that’s ideal, then once you’re there build her up to show that yes, you think she’s at your level).
Or don’t look at her at all.
Anything less than confident and at the top of your game though, your safest bet is not to look at her.
Indeed, giving your game away if she doesn’t perceive you as awesome (yet) would mean slotting yourself into the chasing position.
Note: however, it’s still best if she has seen you before. Studies show females report discomfort in being approached by a male whom she hasn’t seen or not yet made eye contact with (Renninger & Bradbury).
#4. Walk Up to Her
Here are a few different ways you’ll begin your approach nonverbally:
With Eye Contact: Smile and Walk Directly
If you’re locking eye contact, you can start walking towards her.
However, here’s an important tip: SMILE. If you start walking towards her without smiling it can seem confrontational.
You want her to be excited, to fear that she might not be up to your level… But you do not want her to fear you.
Without Eye Contact: Go to Her Side
You don’t want to open from behind -God forbid- and to stand right in front of her and startle her.
The best approach when she hasn’t seen you yet is from the side (Body Language of Love).
Playing The Game: Pretend You’re There by Chance
Here is an advanced move for you.
What if you haven’t done any eye contact and if you don’t want to signal any interest?
A great move in that case is to pretend you ended up near her “by chance”.
This is how most women will do it with guys they like and this is how you want to do it too.
A few ideas:
- Walk past and pretend you’ve just noticed her
- Go to the bar while she’s there but pretend you’re only there to get your drink. Then drop a casual “how’s your night going”
- Go to the bathroom 5-6 minutes after she’s gone and greet her as she walks out
#5. Say Hi
Before you say hi, you can face two different alternatives:
Smile And Just Say “Hi” If You’ve Been Exchanging Glances
Now if you have been looking at each, an interesting thing sometimes happens.
It’s a little game I call “you know that I know that you know”.
And it basically that both of you know there is some chemistry and some mutual liking going on.
When you approach the girl after you have been looking at each other, you are walking an easy, downhill path.
At this point, put on an a sexy smile and you can also not say anything. Just say “hi”.
This is what your smile and nonverbal will communicate:
You know why I’m here, and I know you like me too. And it’s quite exciting
More on what you say later.
Let Her Look at You First If You Haven’t Locked Eye Contact
Who’s looking at who is a sign of who is pursuing who.
If you were looking at her first, it means you noticed her first while she didn’t.
And it subtly but importantly slots you as the party with the lowest value of the two.
Instead, you will slightly nudge her to make her look at you first.
You can do it by placing your hand slightly on her arm, for example. Or you can start talking to her while look ahead or past her (instead of looking at her like most guys do).
Then when she turns, very quickly, you return your gaze to meet her eyes.
Most of all, you want to avoid the all too uncommon “startling effect”, such that she turns to face you and sees you staring at her.
That’s very predatory, and not in the good way.
Just imagine turning around and seeing someone interested in you before you even realize what’s going on:
#6. Say This
Plenty of ink has been poured on what to say to women since The Game, which was all about what to say.
Of course, by now most people know that what you say is less important than how you say it.
However, top performers know that everything is important, including what to say.
If she saw you being cool and and/or if you had strong eye contact and she returned interest, then I recommend you keep on that good vibe and start strong.
I like starting with a compliment.
If she thinks you’re cool upon approach, you help raise her at your level with a compliment and it communicates you’re only interested in women you find attractive because of X.
Here are some nice way of starting an approach with a compliment:
You have the most amazing style of this whole place. That dress is… Fabulous.
Start with an even bigger bang:
You: I have to say… You have the sexiest legs I’ve seen in a while
(pause, she laughs)
My name is Lucio, hi
Starting strong is best and my favorite way. Look Gosling do it:
However, if you were going more under the radar:
How’s your night going
Or if the vibe was just great, go up there and smile without saying nothing (or just say “hey”).
That communicates that you know she’s into you and will start the conversation with a collaboratively sexual undertone.
On this article a few more ideas of how to start a conversation.
#7. Start With Light Banter
I found that the best way to start an approach is with some humor and some light laughing. It does a few good things:
- Provides a valve to release tension
- Show you’re a socially savvy guy, which increases attraction
- If you make her smile, she’s already following your lead
- Provides good vibes
- Dispel doubts and fears
The last one is important.
The first moment you approach a girl indeed her brain is in full alert. And she is wondering if you are:
- As cool as you seemed
- Going to stick to her like glue (socially dangerous)
- Weird and causing troubles
She is hoping you’re awesome, but she is also worried you’re lame and she will have to reject you. Or worse, that you might be a threat.
Avoid Overly Serious
A failure to make the interaction light and fun in the beginning and starting off too serious is a common mistake.
Many a great couple never got together, sacrificed on the altar of a too serious beginning: don’t fall for that!
How to Make Light Banter
Flirting is great light banter.
Here are a few lines you can use:
You: And what brought you here. Looking for some boys to have fun?
Her: And how’s your night going
You: Give me a beer, and I’m always good
(but make sure she knows you’re joking, nobody likes an alcoholic)
Positivity is also a great to show you’re a well-adjusted and likely high-value man:
You: What’s not to love about tonight. An awesome, vibrant city, a light summer breeze, a beautiful sunset… Life is beautiful
And some more ideas here for you:
#8. Get Some Investment
Having women do something for you subconsciously tells them that they must like you.
The earlier you can get her to do something for you and the more significant it is, the faster your approach will move to seduction.
For example, you can:
- Ask her to move a little bit
- Tell her to move with you
- Pick the most comfortable position for yourself (she invests more in the interaction if she’s in the most uncomfortable position)
- Tell her to stop talking for a second (you need to have a good reason for this though)
- Ask her to show you something (pics of her art on the phone, her bracelet etc.)
- Make her talk about herself -ideally, trying to prove to you she’s good enough for you-
Also, research shows that a light touch increases compliance.
Before you ask her to move with you, or before you ask her to trade contact information, lightly touch her on the arm.
#9. Get to Know Her
After the initial banter you want to go a bit deeper.
The idea is that you want to show her that you are only interested in high value women and you will only show deeper interest after she has proven to you that she is one.
Here are a few keys in getting to know her well:
- Talk about personal topics
- Talk about emotional topics (no work, weather etc.)
- Keep it uplifting
- Make it light again for a second when it’s too serious for too long, then go back
- Bring the conversation always back to her
How Long Should You Talk?
If you are thinking of sticking with her for the night and try to take her home, just keep going.
Move her along, isolate her and when you see she’s listening and following your lead, tell her you two should go.
But if you just want to swap contacts, it’s important you don’t make the interaction too long or too awesome. If you do it and then don’t stick around, she might feel you’re not serious, not ballsy enough or not interested.
Max 7 minutes if you want to swap contacts. And do this if she says no the first time.
Approaching a girl successfully starts before the actual approach.
Here are the steps of the ideal approach in summary:
- Let her see you first being cool and high value
- Lock eye contact a few times to let her fantasize about your incoming approach
- Go say hi (best from the side)
- Banter and joke in the beginning
- Get to know her a bid deeper
- Stick with her if you want to pull or propose you two should meet
- Summerhayes, D. L., & Suchner, R. W. (1978). Power implications of touch in male female relationships. Sex Roles, 4, 493–503.
- Alcock, J. (1993). Animal behavior, (5th ed.). Sunderland, MA7 Sinauer.
- Burgoon, J. K. (1991). Relational message interpretations of touch, conversation, distance, and posture. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 15, 233–259.
- Weerth, C. D., & Kalma, A. (1995). Gender differences in awareness of courtship initiation tactics. Sex Roles, 32, 717–735.
- Leil Lowndes, Undercover Sex Signals
- Dittmann, A. T. (1972). Interpersonal messages of emotion. New York7 Springer.
- PK Jonason, NP Li, EA Teicher (2010). Who is James Bond? The Dark Triad as an agentic social style