Are you wondering how to make him realize your worth?
You have come to the right place.
Before we start, let me warn you: this article is heavy on mind games, and it’s highly manipulative.
As a general rule, I don’t recommend you engage in heavy manipulation and nasty dating power moves.
But if so far you have been too naive, it can help you understand power dynamics a little bit better, and defend yourself better.
- Two Ways to Make Him Value More
- #1. Let Him Come To You
- #2. Disqualify His Crown Jewel
- #3. Triangulation: Show Other Men DO See Your True Worth
- #4. Tell Him That He Scraped By: You Were The Chooser
- #5. Tell Him He Was a Such Dork (But You Loved Him Anyway)
- #6. Talk About Your Wonderful Exes
- #7. Build Them Up For Unmanly Traits: He’s A Cuddle Monster
- #8. Undermine His Achievements
- #9. Pinch His Baby Fat
- #10. Ashton Kutcher Is The Hottest (Not You)
- #11. Break Up With Him
- Please Note:
Two Ways to Make Him Value More
From a general perspective, there are two ways to make him value you more:
- Increase your (perceived) value
- Decrease his value
Often, they overlap.
But the second is nasty and rooted in manipulation and games, while the first can be rooted in true self-development.
#1. Let Him Come To You
Oh there you are, I hadn’t seen you!
Kara King in The Power of the Pussy says the natural order of things is that men make the move, women make the choosing.
That dynamic starts from the smallest detail: who’s looking at whom.
Predators peer at their preys.
Don’t be the predator, let him look at you first.
On for the first date, do what most smart women do: pretend you can’t find him and let him come to you while you look around, walk or check your phone.
Once a woman I was waiting for at the entrance of an underground station walked a few meters past me like she was catwalking.
Then she stopped 10 meters ahead, looked around and pretended to stop there waiting.
98% of the guys would have fallen for it, admired her catwalking skills and thought how lucky they were to go out with her.
Consider doing the same.
#2. Disqualify His Crown Jewel
No, I don’t mean his penis as crown jewel -unless that’s his most obvious quality, in which case, yes, the penis-.
The crown jewel is the main quality that makes him attractive, the main trait that stands out or the main posession that he’s most proud of.
The idea is that you take his best quality and trivialize it while at the same time implying he needs more.
So imagine he’s a very wealthy man and that’s his most glaring quality. So you’d tell him something like:
You: I hope you’re not one of those guys who thinks money makes him special
It does a few great things for you:
- Denies his “advantage”
- Tells him he needs to come up with something else (qualifying and complying to you)
- Sets yourself as the judge
- Communicates you need more
- Communicates you look beyond superficial stuff
All in one, nice.
Now, the most astute guys will not jump through your hoops. And yet, even those, they can’t help but to start valuing you more.
Here’s an example of a girl executing this game with me:
This worked especially well because a few of my pictures tend to be “poser” pictures, so she made me slightly insecure and gave her more power and control. I cared more for her opinion, wanted more for her to “accept me” in spite of my pictures, which also made me value her more.
#3. Triangulation: Show Other Men DO See Your True Worth
You know this one.
Cialdini and countless studies leave little room for doubters: people want what other people also want.
And the dating marketplace, is no exception.
It might be a bit abused and everyone knows it, so use it with caution.
Best is if you get him to see it first hand.
And that’s why the best places to use this technique are night venues where people naturally approach each other.
Don’t always stand close to him hand in hand, but take some distance.
Is he going to get drinks? Stand outside the queue and look languishingly at some guy.
When they come to approach you, make polite conversation.
And when he will come back with the drinks and see you talking to another man… You can rest assured he will get into a more defensive mindset.
And yes, he will also value you more.
You can’t lose if you do it well: no matter how handsome he is, if you dress sexy a woman will always get more approaches.
#4. Tell Him That He Scraped By: You Were The Chooser
…. He can count his lucky stars!
This is the main idea:
Communicate that you were assessing him hard before you gave him a chance.
One more mistake there, on blunder here… And he would have gotten the chop.
No need to do it confrontationally.
The positive message you want to convey is that you liked him and cheered for him, but you have very high standards and he had a few moments.
He was under heavy scrutiny. That’s the message.
Look at this Tinder date example. She was too childish and I was close to walking.
But the fact that she displayed such high standards, that was a huge point for her.
Rejecting someone raises your value.
Almost rejecting him raises your value, lowers his… And still makes him happy that he made the cut.
Win, win, and win again!
To communicate high standards, here’s a couple examples:
You: There was that guy with the pony tail hair you were talking to… If he was your friend I’d never have given you my number
If you’re already in a more advanced stage you can look at some situation in your dating past and say:
You:When I asked you to help me and you weren’t sure… I’m glad you came through or we wouldn’t be here now
Now on to the next.
#5. Tell Him He Was a Such Dork (But You Loved Him Anyway)
If the relationship progresses you will eventually get to talk about the first time you meet, and what you thought about each other.
Never say you thought he was a catch, cool or, God forbid, that you were scheming to meet him.
That makes him the prize of the relationship.
Say you thought he was a bit of a dork instead.
If he was cool, say you weren’t sure about him because he looked so try-hard.
He won you over time instead. You’re super happy with him, but it’s not like he swept you off your feet… But hey, he’s great.
That’s the message.
#6. Talk About Your Wonderful Exes
There is a tendency for couples to match up around the same overall value.
Thus, having great exes, is a great way to make him realize your worth.
Communicating you had great exes does a few good things:
- Signals you’re a high value woman
- Implies you can get equally amazing men
And, as well, if he doesn’t have strong inner confidence:
- Keeps him insecure
Some men play this on women anyway.
From a message of an ex fling of mine, talking about his new boyfriend:
Man using the male version of “my studdy ex” game
The opposite is also true.
If you make him feel like he is something special compared to your exes he will feel like you are punching about your weight with him.
Even in the best-case scenario, he might feel like the main rooster in your life, and might let himself go.
Where else would you go, he will think.
He will acquire an attitude and potentially even treat you more poorly.
Do like Summer instead, that’s a nice roster of exes she parades:
I hope you too, you had a “Puma” of a boyfriend ;).
#7. Build Them Up For Unmanly Traits: He’s A Cuddle Monster
Some men need to feel superior.
And, unluckily, for the most abusive of them, that means pushing you down.
These guys are egotists.
Meaning they have high self-esteem and big big egos, but also very fragile egos.
You don’t want to enter into a race to who’s lower down, but at the same time you don’t want them to feel too good, or they will never come to respect you and recognize your value.
Build them up.
But NOT for personal qualities which do not help the relationship.
If he’s intelligent and worldy, don’t look at him doe-eyed while he explain things.
That will only make him feel like you’re not smart enough.
If he is a gym type, ripped guy, never show yourself too thirsty or too into his abs, muscles or, God forbid, package.
Instead, treat him more like a big cuddly bear.
When you negate his mostly mannish qualities and slot him for good in the big teddy bear you effectively defang him.
And in a very sneaky way, too: he’d never even suspect anything.
#8. Undermine His Achievements
This is nasty.
But the guys who are least likely to recognize your worth often do so because they are too into themselves.
Blinded by what they believe are their own huge achievements, they fail to even take your value into account.
To help them value you more, you need to help them down from their own self-constructed high horse.
You can do it without starting a war by indirectly point out flaws he might be self conscious about.
Years ago when I was dumb and inexperienced a girl told me we could go somewhere… If I’d go pick her up.
… And I felt inadequate for not having a car.
You can use the same concept when you need to shorten the distance between you and him.
Ask for things he can’t provide, compare him with people he can’t stack up with, and talk of an underwhelming past.
All things that will cool down “Mr. too hot to handle”.
The first step, like my former GF’s crush says, is to never show you’re impressed, which lowers your market value:
It doesn’t matter how ripped / rich / smart he is. You can always take him down a peg or two by unearthing some shortcomings:
You: Oh that’s a cool Olympic size swimming pool. Is it warmed up for winter swimming?
You: Oh, professor and author, nice. Maybe you know X guy in your field who wrote Y best-seller. I really like him
The secret here is to make your comments seem nonchalant, natural and off-hand.
#9. Pinch His Baby Fat
Here is when I fully realized the insidious power that this mind game has on people:
My ex girlfriend was fit and I loved her legs.
I thought it was fun to grab her well defined calves and comment “chub chub” as a joke. We both laughed about it.
Then one day she told me to stop or that would make her insecure. She was too embarrassed to tell me earlier.
There was nothing which could have realistically made her insecure.
But that made me think how even the most innocent looking gesture can have far reaching consequences.
You can use the same principle to deflate him. Stereotypes are often the easiest to sheath with a joking semblance:
- Scrawny book warm? Tell him if you should also carry his luggage too
- Gym rat checking the grocery bill? Stroke his head and joke you’ll call an accountant to support
- Dark-skinned BF gets haughty? He might need some vitamin D shots
#10. Ashton Kutcher Is The Hottest (Not You)
Someone else is on Mount Olympus. He can come back to earth
I like understanding people, and that includes their tastes.
A conversation I like to have early with women is who they think are the hottest men (and women) around.
I remember asking an ex girlfriend of mine who she thought were the hottest guy on Hollywood. We were left with two people, so we get to finally crown the N.1.
Me: So who’s the hottest then, X or Kutcher?
She: Well, is there really anyone hotter than Ashton Kutcher?
As you notice, I can’t remember who was the second. But I do somehow remember she was so into Kutcher :).
Basically, she had me admit I wasn’t N.1.
You cannot do this with his friends, but with actors and celebs it’s fine (and if it’s not fine you should re-evaluate him).
#11. Break Up With Him
Super high risk, super high reward.
But some men only realize that they need you when they don’t have you anymore.
And plenty marriages followed a break up, when the woman gained more power and when the man realized he truly wanted her.
Albeit this might seem like a huge power move, if you are not getting your needs met, I actually recommend that you break up.
It’s a very strong way of putting the ball in his court.
However, there is a skill in how you use this move.
You need to make him understand that you like him, but that until he is unable to give you what you need, you simply can’t stay.
Something like this:
You: I love you, and I always will. And at the same time, I also love and respect myself. If you cannot do the same, then you are forcing me to move on. If in the future you will change your mind, please let me know. Goodbye my love.
Mic drop, exit.
If he liked you, he will realize your worth when you’re not there.
And if he comes back, chances are that he will treat you much better.
Bonus: You Like Him Because He Recognizes How Great You Are
This is an interesting gambit.
Dale Carnegie says that to promote the behavior you want to see, you need to tell people they already have that behavior.
So if he fails to recognize your true worth, maybe you want to suggest him that he is already is seeing your true worth.
For example, you can tell him that the reason why you like him so much is because both of you appreciate your true worth.
That he recognizes you that you are an accomplished woman, a pious girl, a respectful lady… Or whatever it is that you feel sets you apart.
If you need to use these dark psychology techniques too often, you need to consider you might be dating a poor partner or that you are a poor partner.
These techniques to make him value more are best served for:
- Knowledge sake
- Friends / colleagues you can’t avoid
- Short term flings
- Sparingly with boyfriends who self aggrandize
A swallow doesn’t make summer so even great men can have a moment of weakness or can unconsciously try to make you feel inferior.
In those cases, it’s good to know how to even the odds and let them have a taste of their own medicine.
But if you often have to play these games, then you need to reconsider that guy.
If it happens more than very rarely, you’re in a combative relationship or possibly even in an abusive relationship.
If your man is busier putting you down than building you up. That’s the definition of a toxic relationship.
And you should probably not look for ways to “balancing it” because it will only take you into you a downward spiral and will make you a worse human being.
That’s why increasing your value or decreasing his value are actually two faces of the same coin.
It’s because they both focus on who’s better in a sort of competition-fueled race.
The healthy relationship is different. The healthy relationship is about adding value to each other. He builds you up and you build him up.
That’s the kind of relationship you deserve.
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2 thoughts on “10 Mindf*ck Ways To Make Him Value You More”
These are all tricks that I hear about all the time–and the author is right, they totally work. I just feel bad using them because I watch men attempt to mind f*** me all the time, and I hate it. I’m a different type of chick, so when I see through it, I lose every bit of motivation for them and run. Manipulators and liars are expected bedfellows. And I feel terrible actively trying to take someone down a notch (unless they really deserve it and I don’t value them). EVERYONE can’t be garbage, so I’ll just wait for a healthy person who doesn’t feel the need to put me in “my” place so he can feel better in his day-to-day. Thanks, but I get enough of that from society. Not trying to get it at home, too.
If I’m missing something (some wisdom), please reply and let me know. In other words, am I unrealistic for expecting a person to NOT abuse me emotionally? Am I unrealistic for not doing it to others?
Hey Robin, no, you’re not missing anything, you’re absolutely right.
This article is for information, “protection” and “short flings” because in the long run this is not the relationship you want to be in.
There are of course power dynamics within intimate relationships as well -as per any relationship among human beings-, but any game aimed at pushing the partner down does not belong to a healthy relationship.
Healthy relationships are about caring and mutual support and the best individuals of this world, both female and male, don’t tear others down build them up.
Like you said, society is competitive enough that you don’t need more sneaky in-fighting at home. To echo your feelings Amir Levine, author of Attached, says that a strong and healthy relationship at home provides the solid emotional foundations that allow people to go out more confidently into the world.
These relationships might not be the norm, but they are possible and do exist. If I had point just one thing in your message would be to swap the “wait” with “look” and “learn how to spot”.
The more you look and the better you get at recognizing individuals’ personalities, the smoother the process.
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