Men show love with Professing (introducing you as official), Protecting and Providing
Men need your support, loyalty and sex
Set your requirements, demands and needs early on
Summary
About the Author: Steve Harvey is an American comedian, television host and public personality.
PART ONE: The Mind-Set of a Man
In the introduction, Steve Harvey says men are simple and they all think in a similar way. He says that “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” is a playbook of sorts.
1. What Drives Men
Steve Harvey says men are simple. No matter where he’s currently at, there are three things that shape his identity and self-esteem:
Who he is (his title)
What he does (how he gets the title)
The reward he gets (how much he makes)
A man must achieve a minimum in those three areas to feel like he is fulfilling his duties as a man. Before he figures out how to achieve his minimum goals in those areas he will be too busy to focus on you (and on family & relationships).
I also recommend you read a more scientific text on how good men think:
Women profess their love many times a day and will probably expect their men to do the same. But men love in three ways instead, which the author dubs the “3 Ps”:
1. Profess
He will tell everyone you are his woman and he will introduce you with an official title. Conversely, if he doesn’t take you out and you haven’t seen his family and friends, you’re not there to stay.
2. Provide
The more a man can provide, the more he feels like a man. If he can’t provide, he doesn’t feel like a man.
That’s one of the reasons, Steve says, that poor men run away from their father’s duties: to escape their feelings of inadequacy.
Providing is not only monetary, but it’s also about helping to fix things, moving stuff, or solving problems. And that’s why you need to make him feel like he’s providing for you (later chapter).
3. Protecting
When a man loves you, he will defend you and stand up for you.
He will defend you physically, from people who are disrespecting you and by doing things he deems too dangerous for you.
3. The Three Things Every Man Needs
Steve Harvey says a man needs three things:
Love
Loyal Support
Sex
Love means to make him feel like he’s special, like he’s a king.
Loyal support means that you will stand by his side no matter what happens. Sex, well, Steve says men can only go a month without it. And if you start rationing out sex, he’ll be looking for it elsewhere.
When a woman doesn’t provide for these three things, the relationship is doomed.
4. Talking Differences
Steve Harvey says men are about purpose-driven talk and solutions.
Men rarely open up like women do, but they like fixing stuff for you.
For more on gender difference (generalizations) read:
The key, says Harvey, is that it’s you who decides if you’re disposable or if you’re a keeper. By being a high quality woman, by setting the bar high and by demanding and requiring proper behavior, you communicate that you’re a keeper.
And here’s how to recognize if he’s looking for something serious or for quick fun:
However, Harvey warns the readers this does not mean you get on a man’s face telling him what he must and must not do. You need some tact and some good presentation for your requirements (indeed high initial demands are a sign of low quality).
10. The Five Key Question Every
Steve proposes you find out 5 things about him early on:
Long Term Plans: and how they fit into who he is, what he does, how much he makes
Short Terms Actions: is he acting on his plans?
Relationships: with his mother and God. How he feels about family and children
What He Thinks About You: you want details and examples (or he’s not thinking long term)
How He Feels About You: you want to see deep feeling (missing you, feels great with you, loves you..)
One and two tells you if he’s ready for something long term. Number 3 tells you if he wants something long term. Questions 4 and 5 come after you have been knowing him for a while.
These questions by themselves will also cause him to start seeing you in a different, and better light.
11. The Ninety Days Rule
The ninety day rule relates to sex, and you can imagine what it means.
From the sequel book ‘Straight Talk, No Chaser’, the best takeaways are:
Assess Men’s Psychology Based on Age
20’s prioritize money over relationships: He is just beginning to get his bearings on life as an adult and just finding out about the three cornerstones of manhood. Steve says that men have a “financial clock” similar to a woman’s “biological clock”, and it starts in earnest in his 20’s
30’s: Getting Tired of Chasing Skirts: He is achieving some of his life goals and getting tired of chasing skirts. He starts grappling with the idea that he will not always be young and fit and starts seriously thinking about children’s timelines. If he looks unhappy and still working hard, he might not be ready to commit yet. Check his behavior: If he has a lot of time for extra-work activities, then he also has time for a family.
40s: If He’s Single, It’s For A Reason: Feels good about his life and is in his prime, especially if he’s a husband and a dad. But if he’s single, he’s single for a reason. He might be afraid of commitment, happy with the single life, or giving up on the idea of a family. If he’s recently divorced, it’s likely he’ll be chasing skirts again for a while, and it might take him a few years to be ready for serious relationships again.
50’s: Consolidating Legacies: Are looking to solidify their legacies and are a lot more open to having a woman around and growing old with her.
No Nagging
Harvey stresses how so many women do it wrong when they want their men to do something.
They use passive aggressiveness, silent treatment, or, worst of all, full-blown verbal aggression.
He says though that it’s a question of priorities, and your man’s priorities aren’t necessarily the same as yours and you should understand that. Of course, he’ll do the dishes… But not right after eating maybe.
He says you should be more diplomatic and pick your battles and use more of the:
The Relationship Art of The Deal
The art of the deal is a sort of tit for tat. You help him in what matters to him and he helps you in what matters for him.
Harvey advises that you start the conversation with an appreciation and ask him what you could do more for him. Once you agree on something you can do for him, then you ask him what he can do for you.
TPM Takeaways
Let Him Lead & Feel Important (don’t overplay ‘independence’)
He will feel more like a man and he will like you more. Many men need to feel they provide and protect their women.
Men want women who make them feel important. Men want women who want men. They don’t want independent women or women who seek power in their relationship.
Women advise other women to be strong and independent. But while that’s good advice for empowerment, that’s a covert manipulation to handicap the competition in dating, and it’s not effective.
Clearly state your goals early on
I liked and agree with the concept that a woman should make clear, early but in a tactful way, what her final goals are (marriage or kids). And she should have a timeline.
That goes against what some other authors advise. But not putting your needs and demands early is, in my opinion, too big of a risk.
CONS
I think that Harvey is a much better person to learn from than most other female authors who write for other women.
But still, there are a few cons here:
Dogmatic: men are not all the same
Steve Harvey purports to speak for all men.
For example, he writes:
I cannot tell you the fulfillment we have in knowing that we’ve secured your time (…) it’s all the affirmation we need
But that’s not how I feel, for one. And I’m not alone.
Why? Because “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” is:
Tailored Towards Providers Men
This book is tailored towards men who want (and need) to provide for their women.
Not all men are like that. Some men want women who are more equals and who can work for themselves.
To prove that sleeping with him before 90 days is a bad idea, Harvey asks where are all the men you’ve slept with before 90 days.
But that’s an inductive fallacy and doesn’t prove anything. Most sexual relationships don’t last forever, whether you slept with him after 900 days or 900 seconds. Plus, women who are reading this book are likely looking for a man, which of course leads to almost all the readers answering positively -ie.: a trap question-.
Review
“Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” shares valuable dating insights for women and several of his approaches are effective and well-calibrated.
Lucio Buffalmano is a social scientist and behavioral researcher specializing in interpersonal power dynamics and men’s empowerment.
He holds a master’s degree in communication and sociology and is a member of the American Psychological Association (APA). His method is based on the Three Pillars Approach, cross-referencing the full empirical research literature with real-world expertise and critical analysis.
His life's work develops men's confidence and competence for lasting success with The Power Moves and the advanced training program Power University.
i love this book steve really help us ladies