How To Turn Down Sex & Get A Relationship

a woman turns down sex

Telling a guy to slow down physically is an art.

It’s an art that can make or break a relationship.

Turning down sex well is crucial because if you like a guy but make him feel unwanted with your rejection, you can destroy a relationship.

Luckily, if you turn him down well, you will not only preserve the chances of you two being together, but you will enhance your chances for a relationship.

By the end of this article, you will know how to turn down sex while also becoming more attractive, and more long-term material.

a woman turns down sexTurning down sex with disgust shames the man, making him feel hurt and unwanted (and might he leave for good)

The First Time You Delay Sex Is Make or Break

The first time he escalates towards sex is a very emotional, intense moment for him.
He is putting all of himself -no, not just his penis, really all of himself- on the line.

When you turn him down the wrong way it’s like telling him “you suck, I don’t want you”.
And when he feels like that, it can easily make or break the relationship.

Now maybe you understand how it’s possible that two people can like each other and still destroy a budding relationship when sex rejection happens in the wrong way.

This article will teach you how to turn down sex in two steps:

  1. First, we analyze how women turn down sex the wrong way;
  2. Second, we’ll show how you can delay sex effectively

Keep this in mind:

  • It’s easy to crush a man’s ego with a rejection

Data at hand, In Brene Brown pinpointed “initiating sex” as one the most vulnerable moments in men’s lives.

That included men in relationships, and it’s all the truer when there is no relationship yet.

  • Things can easily spiral downwards after critical phases

It’s easy that after a rejection thing will turn sour.

And while you might not care for someone you don’t like, you don’t want that to happen with a guy you actually like.

4 Bad Ways Women Reject Sex

Do you want to hear a (not so) funny thing?

I was checking what were the most common search terms for this article. In the top 10 there was this one here:

Her: I rejected him now he rejects me

Now I will show you exactly what those women have done wrong.

Here are four common ways that women sexually reject men the wrong way:

#1. “I Don’t Want You” Rejections

Imagine the following scenario with a new budding relationship:

  • You’re in a private location -for the first time-

You think this could lead to something physical. You’re not sure about it, but you’re excited and a bit nervous.

  • He makes a move

He goes to kiss you.
Deep down you like it that he’s going for it, but it’s a bit too soon. Or you want to play hard to get.

  • You reject him – the wrong way

You pushed him away.
Or you moved away as if he was a rabid dog.
Maybe you didn’t mean it that way, but you communicated that you don’t want him.

  • Now it’s weirdhow to slow him down

Now he is dejected.

Ooops.

And now?

You don’t know what to say. You fumble something, but you mostly hope he can make it good again.

  • Things turn sour

He’s not making things better.

He’s more lost than you are. The discomfort grows larger. You want out of this.

Once you leave you’re glad you’re out of it -now it’s over and after all, he turned out a bit of a weirdo-

The Psychology Of Bad Sex Rejection

Now granted, he might have been an actual, real weirdo.

But… Are you really sure he was?

He wasn’t a weirdo at all until then.
He was a cool guy.
Why is he only a weirdo now?

Psychology is clear on it: we don’t remember whole interactions.
We remember the peaks, what happens last and what’s most emotional.
A bad move from his side and a bad rejection from your side end the interaction on a terrible emotional low
And that’s all it takes for an otherwise great guys to be passed up.

I’ll come out of the woodwork and say it: I have come across as a weirdo after a few failed escalations in the past. And some other woman said I was the best man they’ve ever met.

How is that possible?

The difference was all in the rejection and what happened afterward.
Yes, it takes that little.

Why You Reject Him all Wrong

When you reject him you are not communicating your full range of feelings.

You are not saying “I like you overall, but not yet, you’re moving too soon”.

You are only communicating the negative part, the “I don’t want you, go away”.

And that can be painful, and he can have difficulties in recovering from there.

If you like him but you need more time your rejection should communicate that. Your rejection must deflect the physical escalation while also communicating your positive feelings.

#2. “You Have To Respect Me” Rejection

Some women will try to checkmate men by asking to be respected.

How dare he come off so strongly, or so quickly?
I’m a lady!bitchy woman

This is a woman’s way to tell the man he needs to wait and maybe he’ll get the candy -if he behaves, that is-.

In one go the “respect me” gal is setting herself up as saintly (see Madonna/whore), framing herself as the prize and also taking the lead in the relationship.

It works well with less experienced men as they’ll gobble it up and keep investing in the woman.
It works very poorly with higher quality men who see through it.

You go haughty queen with that move, but only peasants will stick around.

Basically, it works well with the guys you most likely don’t want and works poorly with the men you most likely want.
Guys who’ve been around the block know that the best way to respect a woman is to bond emotionally, have a great physical chemistry and then make her come.
And then bond a bit more after that.

They know the best relationships are based on honest communication and entail great chemistry.

When you tell him to respect you, you are communicating the opposite.
This what he will hear:

  • I’m not that attracted to you
  • We don’t have a great chemistry
  • I don’t respect you that much
  • I’m playing games (see the games women play)

#3. “Not Yet” Delay Tactic

We’re going down the list of minor offenses now.relationship contract

“Not yet” can work if it’s done correctly and can actually further both your physical connection and your chances of a relationship.

When done badly though he can easily perceive it as a power move much similar to the “respect me”, just lighter and less domineering.

The wrong way of stopping him with a “not yet” is by saying it without any emotions and lust.
When you say rationally and unemotionally it feels to him like you’ve got a¬†hidden agenda.
A timeline to respect or something.

It makes him think he’s not hot enough for quick sex and you’re trapping him for a relationship.
The cool guys though are ill at ease with negotiating the details of a relationship with women who are not into them.

#4. Spite Check Questioning Delay Tactic

Spite check among chess players refers to a player who’s going to lose, knows he’s going to lose, but he still prolongs the game anyway.

Some do the equivalent of chess spite check.
Women’s way of slowing down and defuse sexual tension is to talk and ask questions.
“Spite check questions” include:

  • Why?
  • But why?
  • Why do you have X in your room?
  • But why do you want to make love to me?
  • But why do you want to take my pants off?

The goal of these questions is to make him talk and frustrate the sexual mood.
And that’s exactly the problem with spite check questions: they frustrate the mood.

Experienced guys of course know better than to reply to those questions.
But even for them, “spite check questions” ruin the mood.

Spite check questioning ruins the mood and sends a negative message both about you and about him.

About you, it makes you come across as slightly childish, unnecessarily nervous, indecisive, and potentially also frigid.
By frustrating the sexual mood, they communicate that you might not be very much into sex, and not very much into him.
And he might feel like you don’t like him.

Ideally, if you’ve reached that point, you should know whether or not he’s a guy you’re comfortable getting together with.
And you should be at least somewhat attracted to him.

Personally, when I’m on the fence about a woman and she seeks to stall me with spite check conversation, I start getting turned off.
If I like the woman I can find it endearing -up to a certain point-. But that doesn’t mean I don’t pass some judgment based on it -namely, that she’s a bit of a big baby-.
In either case, she never comes across as a high quality woman.

#5. “You’re Not Gonna Get What You Want” Rejection

Some women love to see men horny about them.

And up until here, all great.
The problem starts with some women who, instead of getting themselves in the mood… They prefer teasing him and going on a sexual power trip.

Some will say things such as:

  • “Hmmm you’re so horny, aren’t you” (talking as if they weren’t horny at all)
  • “I like to see men
  • “You can call a hooker when I leave”
  • “You look a bit serious, are you angry you’re not going to get what you want?”

These women like to have power over men.
They prefer having power over men instead of actually enjoying sex and the sexual mood.

This sexual power trip is often a bit delusional. Especially for men who actually have options.
Personally, few things turn me off as quickly as a woman who talks as she were the ultimate dispenser of pleasure in this world.
And sure, I’m particularly sensitive to power dynamics, but this technique is poor even for the most undiscerning man.

Why?

Well, think about it.
The problem with this technique is that it’s sexually confrontational.
This technique says “you want me, I don’t want you… And I am happy to see you suffer”.

Who on earth might want to have a relationship with a woman like that?
It’s not a high quality man, for sure.

How Not to Delay Sex: Example

The messages below come from the worst sex-delaying attempt I have ever experienced.

This was the poster child of doing it all wrong.

example of delaying sex

This is how she behaved during our intimate time:

  1. Before escalation, she looks bored and irritable
  2. When I say I like her and imply she feels the same, she vehemently denies it (first rejection before we even reach sexual escalation)
  3. She was taller and during the escalation she keeps repeating “how small I am” (allow me a clarification: was not talking about my penis ūüôā
  4. To keep her pretense of disinterest she finally dresses to leave while she really wanted to stay
  5. I am fed up with her and don’t play the game of “stay a bit longer” anymore: I gladly walk her out
  6. Once away, she realizes her mistake and since she actually likes me, writes me to negotiate her come back (now she looks needy and desperate)
  7. She walks back in with the same haughty and distant attitude, undresses and lay on the bed
  8. We do it and she shows no passion
  9. Finally, she falls in love after she managed to fully estrange me

Can you see how each step compounded the mistake?

The difference here is that the man knew what he was doing, and that attracted her.
She didn’t know what she was doing and pushed him emotionally away.

Result: he doesn’t want to see her again and she fell in love.

This is an extreme example of course, but many women do at least some of those same mistakes.

Bad Rejections Screen In The Players!

Now you might think:

Wait a second Lucio, it’s a good thing to be harsh so I only get the coolest guys!

Some guys indeed will disregard your rejection, no matter how you slice it.
They’ll take a step back, talk a bit more, chill a bit more, pour one more drink.
And then go for it again.

That’s what I did in the example above, after all.

But if you only end up with those guys, then you’re screening in the players.

Those are the guys who’ve been there a hundred times and know how to make up for the women’s mistakes.
But if you want a serious relationship, then you can’t hold only onto the womanizers.

And Screening Out The Good Guys!

About the guys who are not whores?

Those are the guys who’ll most likely feel deeply hurt by what they interpret as a strong personal fu*k you.

They might recover with a bit of time, but the minutes after a failed move are the heaviest.
And the heaviness of that situation often doesn’t afford him the luxury of time.
It’s often over before you two even had a chance.

And it only gets worst when he’s really into you.
You see, the more he is into you, the more your rejection will destroy him.

It might be this guy was just a bit too touchy.
Or he was just too into you. And he’d otherwise be a great guy. But you’ll never know when you turn him down the wrong way.

Because when you reject too strongly you filter in the players and you filter out the guys really interested in you!

What’s a gal to do then?

The end of this article answers that.

How to Turn Down Sex Properly

Do you like him?

If you do but you need more time -or want to resist a little bit-, you must slow things down while also showing that you like him.

A few techniques to do exactly just that:

#1. The Hug Tackle

how to slow down sexA great technique to delay sex and a win-win for everyone.

As he escalates sexually, you deflect moving towards a cuddly hug instead.

If you also rest his head on his shoulder, he might feel like you’re in need of emotional support.
That will also help to awaken his protector feelings, bringing him emotionally closer to you.

Whether you rest your head on him or not, it’s best done all in silence, no words spoken.

The hug tackle switches from sexual to emotional. It slows down the tempo while at the same time increasing your bonding.

Great technique!

#2. Fire First, Water Soon After

As he kisses you, kiss him back, touch him or pant a bit.

Then all of a sudden, stop and push him back.
Don’t verbalize it, but the feeling you want to convey is this:

You: It’s hot, but I’m a lady and need time, that’s why I must resist.

It’s a bit like she does, but you will do it without giving in:

This works great because you communicate at the same time:

  1. You do like him (which men love) +
  2. Albeit you like him, you also don’t want to be easy (which men love for long-term girlfriends)

That’s the perfect combo.

#3. Reframe From Short-Term Sexual to Long-Term Romance

This might be the best way of delaying sex.

It’s honest, builds him up, and develops an emotional connection.

Once he accepts your new long-term romance frame, he is also moving closer to being your boyfriend (if you want him like that of course).

Look how she executes it to perfection:

https://youtu.be/sNcKSvLgglk

Note:
Unluckily the (slight) nudity in the video leads to YB removal (would really like to see who are the extra-prudes flagging it).

Avoid Being One on One

Many a great connection died on the altar of a failed sexual escalation.

In my experience going to someone’s place and having an escalation that does not lead to sex almost always spells doom for the relationship.

If you like him but you’re also sure and positive you don’t want to get physical I recommend you simply avoid being at your place or to his place.

Responsibility For Dating Failures

This article is to help women (and men) increase their chances of finding the right partner.

It’s not about pointing fingers.

But since men traditionally have the “leading” role in seduction, we could argue most of the “blame” rests on men.

But no man is flawless. And even the amazing ones, they’re not amazing all the times.

I’m pretty sure many a woman missed a relationship with Clooney or Gere because Clooney or Gere botched an escalation and she rejected him badly.
I’m pretty sure some women left these guys in disdain.

This is dating.

And ironically, the more you care and the bigger the feelings, the easier it is to derail.
Sometimes a small pebble at a key intersection can derail a train which was on course to beautiful destinations.

By knowing what the most common issues and pitfalls are, you can give your own contribution to make sure you give your and your favorite men the best possible shot.

This post is designed in a way the woman can help men run things smoothly.

Summary

If we had to summarize this guide on how to turn a man down in two sentences, it would be these:

  1. If you want to turn him down when he escalates physically, make sure you protect his ego: show¬†that you like him, personally and physically. You just need a bit more time and you’ll get there together
  2. If you want to increase the chances of a relationship, reframe from sex to romance and emotional bond: with the techniques described above

Further reading:

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