Looking at someone hitting on your girlfriend can be a jarring experience. And how you behave in such a high stress situation will make all the difference between a successful relationship where you’re the leader and a wobbly relationship where she has no respect for you.
We will assume here:
- The man hitting on your girlfriend is not annoying her
- You’re in a social setting
- The two of them are having a pleasurable conversation -just a bit too flirty and upbeat-
1. Do Nothing And Relax
Flirting is a sexually charged way of communicating but it’s not sex per se nor is it in any way a strong indicator of “willingness to switch partner”. People in a relationship flirt and tease as well, and as a matter of fact you’d be well advised to keep flirting with girls even when you’re in a relationship. But you should grant that benefit to your girlfriend as well.
So enjoy the party, talk to other women, meet new people and if you’re doing nothing, be sure not to look at your girlfriend and pick a pose that will have other women look at you instead.
2. Flirt With A Girl
We want and like what’s scarce and in demand. If nobody wants you, she’ll want you less and won’t be ever worried about losing you. That’s not what you want: ideally, you want a relationship where she’s slightly more apprehensive about you than you are about her. It won’t happen if you often go to places where she gets hit and while you don’t, in which case you might need to “artificially” restore that positive balance. So as a man is hitting on her, you go looking for a girl who looks like she might be really enjoying your company.
Chances are your girlfriend will notice and that new pursuer will immediately be worth less in comparison: you’re having sex with your girlfriend and this new guy is only flirting with her.
And with this new girl on your side looking a bit too happy of talking to you she might just be reminded why she’s with you in the first place ;).
Just as a note: jealousy can help seduction, and even relationships in small doses, just don’t let this become a war to who makes who more jealous: that’s a lose-lose game. One of the reasons this is a great strategy actually is the total opposite: it will take your mind off of any jealous feelings by keeping you entertained.
3. Lead A Group
Women love leaders. Pick a group, and breath some new life into it. Have people laugh at your jokes and adding their own jokes as they look for your approval.
As the group grows louder that guy she’ll be drawn more and more to your crowd. Now introduce her as your girlfriend, make the women in the group jealous and she’ll soon be reminded what a great catch she’s got.
4. Bust The Pimp Spank
No women around to talk to? No groups to enter? You’re getting more and more worried? Go there, spank her ass (jokingly but confidently, no wishy washy) and say:
Look at you, how popular you are tonight!
While this says “this is MY girlfriend”, which is always less preferable than her proudly claiming you are HER boyfriend, it is so sexually dominant that it can work wonders if executed well.
The guy she’s talking to will look outgunned and tame by comparison. At that point, you can honestly befriend him like you’d befriend her gay friend.
Just of course don’t do it in more formal environment of if there are around her colleagues, boss and, maybe.. Her (too) easily offended feminist friends 😊.
5. Say Hi To The Guy
Go in and join the two of them. You have two possible options depending on the situation:
- If it’s a mixer party and they were having a conversation join them as if it were her gay friend and have a honestly positive conversation.
- If it’s an intimate setting being too friendly is at risk of looking submissive and green-lighting his advances. You don’t want that, so in this case, a smooth and socially-savvy beat down is in order. Here’s an inspiration for you:
- Cool guys: a cool socially savvy guy will understand the situation and if you look equally cool he will respect you and appreciate you being open. They know that simply means they will just have to keep looking for another girl. Those are the guys with whom you can actually make friend
- Scared ones: less confident, less experienced guys will act like kids caught with their fingers in the cookie jar and will either apologize openly and/or slink away
- Overpowering: some guy will ignore you, keep focused on your GF or will try to challenge you. Now that’s where the fun begins. If they ignore you, act a bit bored as you stare into space and let your GF re-involve you. Re-enter the conversation and take her away slightly after. Challenges, you never address them. Move your head away, stare into space, put a slight smile, as if what he’s trying to do is mildly amusing to you. Add “yeah, sure” in a low slow voice, then pull your girl saying “let’s go” and leave him there.
Bad Strategies When Someone Hits On Your Girlfriend
Bad: Get Aggressive
The very best that can happen when getting aggressive is that you “win” the argument -or fight- clear and straight, and that’s not even very good for you: belligerence and violence is rarely conducive to seduction. Some men go this way believing that an aggressive dominant stance is the best trait they can show to keep attracting his partner. But it’s not: uber-masculine is not that attractive (link to study). But the main reason why this option is bad is another one:
Bad because: You showed your hand, and your hand says the pursuer is a threat and that you’re afraid of losing her. When you see someone as a threat, you immediately raise his value to your level and possibly above. And if you think the new guy is at or above your level, guess what she will think? She will think she might indeed. Getting aggressive also makes it possible the girl will defend the other guy, thus souring your relationship (I’ve seen it happen).
Bad: This is MY Girlfriend
Going to the guy and telling “this is my girlfriend” is another relatively bad common theme.
Bad because: It’s similar to getting aggressive, except just tamer. And relatively easier to sidestep and make you look like a tool. The guy might reply “oh cool man, we were having a nice chat here“, implying he was not interested in any sexual way and now you’re the guy who got overly defensive and jumped the gun.
Similar what happened to this man getting protective around Obama (Obama handles it seemingly well but not great when he says he was ” nice about it” and calls him a fool, thus offending the girl and sounding butthurt himself: you don’t get down to idiot’s level when you’re the president –read more here-)
Bad: Do Nothing ‘Cause You’re Scared
Have you ever had the feeling you were watching over your girlfriend as she talked to some handsome guys and you couldn’t concentrate on the conversation because you were worried? You are ruining your good reputation with that behavior.
Bad because: most people will pick up on that. And it will likely shine through with your girlfriend later on too, as you probably will question her just a little tad too much about that guy.
Bad: Walk In Ignoring The Guy
This is one of the most common I see happening when going out solo. The guy comes over, leans in to talk to the girl with very closed body language which communicates fear and discomfort and completely ignores you. It looks like a worried dog running back to the owner afraid that she might lose interest in him.
Bad because: it pushes the burden on to the girl. The girl now has to juggle the jealous boyfriend and the new acquaintance. What to do? Introducing the boyfriend, excusing herself for talking to someone new? Possibly she’ll have to cut the new guy off because you’re scared and worried? But if you are worried and want to make it clear you are the boyfriend, that’s your task, don’t let your girl do the dirty work for you.
Bad: Make It Obvious She’s Your GF
The idea behind this move is to go in and either grope your girl, make out with her or adopt any obvious couply body language.
There are two exceptions when it would work: your girlfriend is obviously not having a good time and you’re rescuing her or it’s an arousing game you’re playing (see below a game version).
Bad because: going in with a bold move like making out might make you feel like you’re the man, but you’re really just marking territory. Joe Navarro says men are more likely to put their arm around their woman in any situation where other men might approach, underlying the defensive gesture. What’s different between this one and the Pimp Spank is that you are forcing your girlfriend to be mean to someone she was instead having an enthralling conversation with: a spank is a one way move, but a make out is a two way street. It’s much higher effort too and harder coming back from to normal conversation. Also, she might as easily spurn your advances and you’ll look incredibly foolish.
Now that we talked about a few good techniques I wanted to get into what’s even more important: the mindsets and the fundamentals of what will make you a confident leader in the relationship:
Fundamentals: Be Great & Pick a Great Girl
The basic fundamentals are who you are -a man women would not cheat on- and the girl you pick -a girl who doesn’t cheat-.
These two elements will ensure you will NOT have to worry about anything. And both of them are under your control.
Be The Best Man She’s Ever Had
Quick question: do you think she’s likely to switch to someone else if you’re the best man she’s ever been with? Not very likely. That’s why it all starts with you. Who you are, and who you are becoming.
It’s not even that difficult. If the average woman has been with around 8-10 men, then you only need to be in the top 10%. Look around, you can do it.
And what if you were the best man she’s not just been with, but ever met, including her father, brother, and cousins?
How to be that man?
Now you’re getting in the right mindset.
Pick Her Right
Some women are more likely to stay faithful than others, an obvious point which might be worth stressing in a society with some strong politically correct shaming going on.
A few points backed by research:
- Yes, her past behavior matters: women with lower sexual partner count are less like to stray
- Religious girls are more likely to be faithful
- Relationships with a friend are more likely to incur cheating (got my own idea on the why, but won’t discuss here)
- Women in casual relationships are more likely to stray than in “serious” ones
A few points backed by experience:
- Hard core party girls are more likely to stray
- At the risk of getting some flack, it seems to me women in poorer countries tend to stray more
- Women with jobs in highly sexed industries are more likely to sleep around
Mindsets: The Mentality Of Fearless
Fear is the breeding ground of jealousy. To get rid of jealousy, you have to get rid of fear. This whole post is about defending, because the simple question of “how to deal with a man hitting on my girlfriend” is defensive. These are some important mindsets instead for prevention:
You Only Focus On Yourself
You are not interested in controlling her. You know “these hoes ain’t loyal” is the anthem and outcry of the weak men, the men who’d wish and believe they are owed loyalty, which is nothing but another form of entitlement mindset.
But you, you aren’t even thinking in terms of “owning” her or her loyalty. You understand that there’s one only simple rule of a great relationship: she will be the happiest girl with you… As long as you keep being a great man.
Loyalty is then only one of the consequences of you being a great man. Your task is not to control her, not to “defend” her and not to spy on her or spoil her. Your only task is being a great man. And keep being a great man.
Then, the only thing you’ll need to worry about is that she might be getting too into you.
Ultimate Power Is Making Her Want It
You understand that forcing her to stay faithful is seemingly strong, but actually weak (43rd Law of Power). You shake your head at men curfewing their women and you know that ultimate power is her willing to be faithful. Her willing come home early to stay with you.
And If she’s not offering her exclusivity trying to get the same from you, you’re not yet where you need to be.
You’re The Giver
You are confident you bring a lot of value in her life. Not in any confrontational or any you’re “better” way. You are glad of giving her a lot and you’re happy if she’s happy.
But it also means you’re confident you’ll move on if she disrespects you.
Similarly, if you can’t provide what she needs you’ll be sorry to see her go but you will let her go if that’s better for her. And you’ll be happy for her.
She Strays, She Goes.
While you’re very open and libertine, you also have very high standards and set defined boundaries. You don’t tell her what she can’t do, you only tell her what you expect. And if you expect her not to sleep around and she does, it will be the end of your relationship. And you’re at peace with that.
Core Concept: Be Less Jealous Than Her
Dealing effectively with someone hitting on your girlfriend is all based on a simple concept: you show less jealousy than she does.
It’s because jealousy is a proxy for fear, and fear belongs to the one who feels he has more to lose. If you’re the more fearful party, you sub-communicate that she is higher value than you are. That she can get better. And since women want men who are better than themselves you never want her to have those doubts.
Ironically, being less jealous is relative. If she’s nuts jealous, you could be very jealous. And if she’s very jealous, you could be jealous. As a matter of fact, showing no jealousy at all can be a sign of non caring, while showing some jealousy can be a strong sign of appreciation and get the two of you even closer.
One note on power balances: if you go often to parties and clubs with your girlfriend you can often end up in situations where she’s being hit on while you will need to force a similar situation on your side. You won’t always be able to do it. Be too often in such a situation and it might skew the power dynamics on her side, which you don’t want. Solution: don’t go clubbing with your girlfriend too often. At least if you care about keeping the power balance on your side.
Men Hitting On Your Girlfriend: Summary
A final word of caution: don’t get into a wrong mindset with this article: this is not to paint relationships as power struggles. Quite the opposite. Relationships should be intimate partnerships, teams for life and the chance of giving without holding back. I would advocate you do not accept any relationship where you don’t make both of your lives better.
However, this is not to say that relationships don’t have social dynamics like any other social interaction. They do. And some dynamics are more conducive to the two of you being great and happy together. Namely, you’ll be a happier couple when the man sits in the driving seat.
This post covers a few mindsets and optimal behaviors to help you become that leader your relationship needs.