Is An Apology Without Change Manipulation?

That “an apology without change is manipulation” has become a popular trope.

And, in some cases, it’s true.

But not always.

We can speak to that authoritatively because we specialize in the dynamics of manipulation.
And many consider us the world’s greatest experts on manipulation and exploitation:

Shoutout to @AbleDParyon for the mention, great guy!

So in this article you will learn how and when an apology without change is manipulation (and when it’s not).

Intro

An apology is an important step for mending and improving relationships.

However, it’s only one step.
And there need to be more steps in order to “make things good again”.

The full circle of effective and honest apologies includes:

1. Owning the mistake and/or harm caused. It means accepting the blame and/or harm caused. Or, at least, accepting one’s own fair share of the blame
2. Statement of apology. This is the actual “apology”. It serves to re-empower us and “make us whole again”.
   But it’s the easiest to provide, so it may carry little weight without all the other steps
3. Remorse for the wrongdoing. An important sign of good character. Generally speaking, the bigger the harm, the more honest remorse is important
4. Making amends. The apology, the display of remorse, and the promise to change are all part of making amends. But amends also include more pragmatic and tangible reparations
5. Communication, clarification, & future plans. This is a two-way street where the apologizer listens and works with the victim to fix things. It can include a roadmap for change on both sides
6. Changing behavior. This is the last step that prevents the harm and/or issue from happening again. In some cases, only partial change may be possible. And future pain may not be fully avoidable. But if it’s clear to both and both are OK with it, it’s still a successful resolution

Those are the components of an honest and effective apology.
Not all steps are always necessary, of course. But, generally speaking, the more steps you remove, the more likely it is you’re dealing with aggression or manipulation.

Now let’s see how manipulative apologies look like:

Types of Manipulative Apologies

There are many types of manipulative apologies.

Many are part of the gaslighting behavior cluster of behavior.
So check that seminal article to understand the psychology of manipulators.

Some more manipulative apologies include:

1. Over-apologizing

The more you get words of apologies, the less you get in concrete reparations and changes

Over-apologizing always smells fishy, fake, and even weak.

Indeed, the over-apology gives a lot of power away.
But it’s not for your benefit.

With over-apologies the manipulator gives lots of power away to entice you to end everything at he apology level.
But as we’ve seen, the statement of apology is only one part of the apology full circle.
So the manipulator robs you of concrete restitutions, real talk and planning, and actual change.
The manipulator also often seeks an immediate “getting back to normal” that only advantages him.

If you fall for it, the manipulator may even gain your trust.
Over-apologies lead us to believe that the apologizer must be such a good person. After all, who would go that far, and give so much power away? Sneaky manipulators, that’s who.

How to Recognize Manipulative Over-Apologies

Of course, a man may pour his heart out and really mean it.

Also, there is some degree of subjectivity.
Some people are emotionally neutral, while some others tend to “dramatize” things a bit too much.
So you need to look at the individual, the previous history, and the circumstances.

However, generally speaking, you always want to note whatever feels “too much” because it’s a red flag.
At best, it’s a red flag of very poor social skills and/or an overly submissive personality.
At worst, it’s manipulation.

Similar to over-apologizing:

1.2. Over self-blaming

“You’re right. I’m the worst girlfriend. I can’t do anything right!”

The over-self-blame apology is a pity-based manipulation.

It works like this:

1. They go into an emotional meltdown of self-blame
2. You feel bad for them
3. You feel bad for calling out their poor behavior and demanding change
4. You drop your fair demands for reparations/changes

If you fall for it bad, you may even start defending them.

Something like:

(she yells at him and treats him like her property. He explains why it’s not cool)
Manipulator: I’m such a bad person. Your mother would hate me
Mark: Ah come on, it’s just that sometimes you misbehave. But deep down you’re a good person

Don’t be Mark.
Mark is a sucker :).

2. Fake Apologies

There are endless types of fake apologies.

Some examples with the corresponding sub-communication:

• I’m sorry you took it that way = there’s nothing to be sorry about, you took it the wrong way (the mistake is on you)
• I apologize because you’re the administrator = there is nothing to own and no wrongdoing. I’m just saying it because you have the power to demand it (and you’re bullying me into it)
• I’m sorry about the misunderstanding = there is no ill-intent, harm, or anything to fix. It was only a misunderstanding

All these are power moves.
And some power moves are even more disempowering:

2.2. Covert Attack Apologies

Some examples:

• I’m sorry I humiliated you in front of everyone = this apology offers no power protection for a dynamic that needs power protection. Put it that way, it only thread-expands on your low status
• I’m sorry you felt hurt only because me and Chad had a good conversation = she reframes flirting as talking (manipulative) and frames him as weak
• OK, is it really important to you? OK, then fine, I’m sorry = frames his poor behavior as inconsequential and you as “needing” an apology. It denies the harm, and also babies you

The attitude is that you don’t really deserve an apology and that you’re being a thin-skinned baby (that she has contempt for)

2.3. Covert Threats Apology

The most aggressive manipulators embed threats in their apologies.

There are many ways of embedding a threat.

But as an example, I’ll share what an ex-girlfriend used to say:

Manipulator: (I’m so bad) Maybe you should look for someone else

This is a mix of over-apologizing, plus a threat.
Not a good combo.

Some other forms include:

• I’m sorry, this is a place of telling it how it is. If people can’t take it, it may not be the place for them (masked threat of firing at work)
• My apologies for replying late, but I’m busy. My ex couldn’t accept that and it destroyed the relationship (masked breakup threat)

3. “Please Please Please Don’t Leave Me” Apology

This “apology” is a guilt-trip to keep you in the relationship.

You’ll see this when you decided enough is enough.
And just once you look forward to moving on… They meltdown to make you feel bad.

Next up, they may be threatening criminal behavior or suicide unless you stay.

Example:

Him: I’ll kill my parents, I’ll steal money, just whatever you want… (cries)

Research suggests guilt tripping can work, but easily backfires when it’s too much or too obvious as it reeks of manipulation (Singh, Crisafulli, & Quamina, 2020).

The begging guilt tripping is a case of over-doing it, and a red flag of possible borderline personality disorder.

4. Premature Closure Apology

The premature apology seeks to skip the “communicate and solve” phase.

The manipulator wants to skip communication and reparations because he wants the easy way out.

So he always goes back to the apology phase trying to end it there.
And if you seek more communication, he may say:

Manipulator: I already apologized, what else do you want

A more aggressive variant is:

4.2. The Angry Premature Close

More dominant and aggressive manipulators say “sorry” but may as well be cursing you instead.

Something like:

Manipulator (with an angry tone, gesticulating as if to say “so what”): OK, sorry (looks at you angry to make you submit and drop your demands)

Attention here:

If you accept this “apology” the frame is not that he’s being aggressive.
The frame becomes that you are annoying.

The sub-communication becomes: “OK, you annoyed me so much, that you got what you wanted, even though you didn’t deserve it”.

Similar is also:

5. “I Got No Time For This” Apology

This manipulative apology frames the victim as lower value than the manipulator.

It works like this:

1. Frames your demand as “not important”, acting like any clarification or apology is “wasted time”.
   Some ways to do it:
   • Acts annoyed
   • Checks the time / phone
   • Says he has other appointments
   • Gives you strict timelines -“I only have 1 minute for this, go ahead”-
   • Says he must “get to work”
2. You’re framed as lower value for caring for inconsequential things. This is the natural consequence of the power dynamics at play. If you’re over-worried about small stuff, it means you have nothing important in your life. You have no goal, and no demands on your time. And you care more about the relationship than he does. And that’s inherently lower value
3. He’s framed as higher value for having more important things to take care of. This is also the natural consequence of the unspoken power dynamics at play. Not having time for your “small stuff” means he has to take care of “more important stuff”. And that means that he’s higher value

That attitude in itself frames you as lower value

Now attention:

Because the dynamics -or “subcommunication- are unspoken, it doesn’t mean they have no impact.
As a matter of fact, it means they have an even bigger impact.

Meaning:

If you leave the underlying dynamics unaddressed you tactly agree that you’re lower value than he is.

And once you’re lower value, simple social exchange dynamics rob you of any right.
This is because lower-value people should be grateful that higher-value people even are with them. So it’s unfair for lower-value people to demand any change.

6. Shifting The Blame Apology (Sorry, BUT…)

This manipulative apology shifts the blame from the manipulator, onto you.

There are many ways of doing it, and a typical format is the “sorry BUT”.

With the “sorry BUT” apology:

• The manipulator accepts part of the blame. Potentially a small part.
• Blames you for the rest of it

An example could be:

Manipulative father: I’m sorry that I beat you when you were a kid and now you think I’m a bad father. On the other hand, we have to look at what made me do it. Contrary to your sister who is nice and well-behaved, you… (proceed to find a reason why you “deserved” the beating)

Other examples include:

• OK I’m sorry, but God you’re difficult
• Fine, I did make a mistake, but when you push a man to his limits…

7. Saying It Without Meaning It Apology

The manipulator “says it”, but it’s obvious from his tone and demeanor he doesn’t mean it.

Example:

Him: (flat and emotionally distant tone) I’m really sorry

This is very gaslighting.
The effect is:

1. I don’t really mean it because you don’t deserve it
2. But I’m giving it to you anyway (so I’m good)
3. So you can’t complain (and if you do, you’re bad)

And if you call it out, the manipulator will establish this frame:

• Deny that he’s pulling any power move
• Say that you should be grateful he’s apologizing (=”I’m good”)
• But you’re not grateful and cannot be satisfied (=”you’re bad)

8. Escalation of Abuse Apology

This manipulative apology is part of the escalation of abuse.

It works with the “2 steps forward, 1 step back” format.

The apology itself is a smaller step back in that escalation.
But it serves to:

• Pacify the victim in the present
• Prevent reparations and future changes
• Secure and solidify the “gains” in the target’s acceptance of abuse

Because the sub-communication is that if abuse can be undone with a simple apology, then abuse is “kinda of OK”.
Or that abuse is appropriate for the victim.

This is the progression:

1. Episode of abuse
2. Victim reacts
3. Abuser apologies
4. Victim accepts without demanding reparations and changes
5. Nothing changes
6. Abuse repeats (and potentially gets worse)
7. …
8. Abuse becomes the “new normal”

At that point, an apology may not even be needed since it’s “just how things are”.

In these dynamics, the apology is the “step back”.
But it’s part of an increase and “normalization” of abuse.

This is one of the reasons why you always must travel the full-circle of an effective apology.

The Motives Of Apologizing Without Change

So, why do manipulators apologize without change?

The simple answer is that manipulators apologize without changing because it’s good for them, of course.

Change, instead, is costly and inconvenient.

Change means dropping habits the manipulator enjoys, and adopting ones that he doesn’t.
And it may mean treating you well and embracing a win-win relationship. But he prefers win-lose because that’s better for him.

But, some may ask:

How about the costs for the relationship, for his reputation, for the future… ?

And now here’s what you need to hear:

Chances are that the manipulator never cared much about you.
Inveterate manipulators tend to be selfish, callous, and with a very, very shallow emotional life. So even a small inconvenience to him isn’t worth the effort -not even if it meant the world to you and the relationship-.

Don’t expect them to do what’s good for you or “for the relationship”.
They only do what’s good for them.

The only exceptions are extremely power-hungry manipulators.
Those are so power-hungry that they avoid anything that may cost them power -even if it costs them heavily in everything else-.

In more schematic forms, manipulators apologize without change:

• Because it’s good for them
• Because they don’t care about you or the relationship
• To keep you in the (poor) relationship. Most people stay in poor relationships because of the costs and fears of breaking up. Apologies may be just what the manipulator needs to avoid making it “as bad as it takes to break up”
• To assuage you with empty promises so you drop your demands for reparations or change
• As a strategy of “habituation to abuse”. As per the “1 step back, 2 steps forward” model. If you accept their apologies without change, then you will eventually come to accept poor behavior as the “new normal”

Apologies Power Dynamics: When Change Isn’t Owed

This needs to be said:

You are not always owed a change of behavior.

Many other online resources start from the false premise that anyone deserves a change in behavior.
But many sources lack a deeper understanding of both power dynamics, and social exchange dynamics.

And from a power dynamics point of view, demanding an apology is an exercise of power.

Sometimes that exercise of power is fair.
And it may be exactly what you need to do.
However, you must make sure that is the case.
The same goes for demanding change. That’s an even bigger exercise of power.

And from a social dynamics point of view, apologies and changes don’t stand in a vacuum.
Apologies and behavioral changes are part of the give and take of any relationship.
And you cannot look at apologies alone without also considering the overall give and take.

Put it in the most blatant way possible:

if one is not giving enough, then they may not deserve any apology or change.

Let’s dig deeper:

Make Sure You EARN That Change – THEN Demand It

First, you must make sure that you’ve done your part to deserve a change.

Because it’s potentially manipulative and aggressive to expect a change no matter what.

And, it’s a sign of entitlement mentality to believe that you’re always owed a change.

At an extreme, one may even harm you with their behavior, and still that doesn’t necessarily mean they owe you any change.

Entitlement also doesn’t work -especially not with higher-quality people-.
So to avoid that pitfall, ask yourself:

• Are you owed a change? Not every hurtful behavior begets an apology. And not every apology begets a change
• Did you earn that change with the value you provide back in the relationship? Someone who is only taking from others can’t expect to have all his demands met
• Do you have the power to enforce the change? If not, it may still be “fair” to ask for a change. But you never want to be in the position of hoping others give tiy what’s “fair”.
  Two approaches to increase your power and leverage:
  • Pull, with the value you provide, or with even more value you can provide
  • Push, with the threat or removing that value, or the ability to exact costs
• Do you have the courage to walk away if the change doesn’t come? Because if you stay in spite of endless manipulation, then you are the enabler

That’s how you stop manipulative apologies. Give them a deadline, and walk towards better alternatives when change doesn’t follow

Remember this saying:

Fool me once with empty promises of change, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

When Apologies Without Change Are NOT Manipulative

Finally, let’s dispel another myth:

Not all apologies without change are manipulative.

Some cases when apologies without change aren’t manipulative:

• The apologizer is the only giver. Then… They may have a right not to change since they’re already giving much more in other ways
• You’re taking far more. Same as above. As a general rule, the more you’re already taking, the less you have a moral right to ask for even more
• The apologizer has the right to keep doing whatever he was doing
  For example:
  • Moral right because he never promised anything. For example, take a man who never committed. Even if he may hurt her by sleeping around, he doesn’t owe her a change
  • Legal rights to do “normal activities”. For example, if a man starts his motorbike at 8am and wakes you up, it’s not his fault if you live on the ground floor and have a light sleep. He doesn’t owe you to walk to office
• The apologizer has other priorities. Shall we be 100% honest? Sometimes you just don’t matter enough for people to change. Or, maybe, you matter, but something else matters even more to them.
  Example: If a driven man puts his mission above his relationship, his partner may have to compromise instead of demanding
• The apologizer is truly sorry, but still doesn’t want to change. Someone may truly be sorry that they hurt you. But they may still believe it’s their right to do whatever they’ve done, and to keep doing so.
  This is actually a mature, high-power, and high-quality way of approaching many life situations
• There’s an honest will to change, but an inability to do so. Some people may truly mean their apology. And even truly mean their will to change. But they may be unable to do so.
  An alcoholic who promises to quit drinking but doesn’t change may not be a manipulator, but an addict

How to Tell If An Apology Without Change Is Manipulative

So, how can you tell a manipulative apology from one that is not?

Here are the red flags:

• It’s a pattern of apologies without improvement. A red flag that the manipulator doesn’t care about your well-being
• Apologies come with a host of power moves. See above and our other articles
• There are promises of change, but no effort to change
• The apologizer is just generally a low-quality person. If you spot a lot of red flags in general, then, well… Don’t be surprised if the ahole behaves like an ahole.
  Also see “low-quality men” and “low quality women“.

With a bit of power-awareness, you should be able to tell an honest apology from a manipulative one.

And if you’re not sure, book a call with us for guidance.

Conclusions

An honest apology may need a behavior change that addresses the issue for good.

So if behavioral change never follows the apologies, you may be dealing with a manipulator.

This article helps you tell which apologies are manipulative, and which aren’t.