Women try to get men’s commitment in many ways.
A few women are honest and direct about it.
While some other deploy nasty dating games to make him invest, as well as manipulative relationship games to make him stick around.
This post will focus on some of the most popular games and techniques women use to make men commit.
In honor of Eric Berne, founder of transactional analysis and author of Games People Play, I will use a similar nomenclature for women’s commitment games.
Below are three of them broken down in detail.
Further down is a list combining all the dating games women use for commitment.
1. We Are More Than Just Sex, Aren’t We?
You will see the WAMTJSAW when the man and the woman have been having sex for a while -or for just a few times- but there is still no official status or the |conversation” hasn’t taken place yet.
Her aim is to prove, with facts, that the two of them are more than just sex.
She can’t make him wait for sex now that the relationship is already sexual, and making him invest and making him chase become much more difficult in this relationship phase.
However, she can do withdraw sex. At least temporarily.
Indeed, if she can get to spend time with him without having sex, then he implies, with action, that he wants more of her than just a vagina.
Enter the game “We Are More Just Than Sex, Aren’t We?”.
See one example here:
Answering to The WAMTJSAW Game
Once you understand the dating power dynamics you also understand where she is coming from.
And you have no point in getting angry or worked up.
As a man striving to be a high-quality man and as a budding master socialite, your answer must take into account both what you want, and what she wants and needs. That’s what leaders do: they take an “us” approach.
Action-wise, you have three options here:
- Refusing to meet without sex
- Meeting with reserve
- Letting her have it
Refusing to meet is like a slap in the face which says that you indeed only see her as a piece of meat and that you don’t want a relationship.
But even if you don’t want a relationship, I would discourage you from going down that road. It doesn’t mean you have to meet, but you should at least have the courtesy of clarifying your position and explaining to her that you don’t want more than sex.
At that point, she is free to decide.
Number three is your tacit consent to a relationship and, basically, you let her win the game.
I personally don’t recommend this one either because it lets her win with a rather underhanded tactic. It sends the message that games are a good way for her to getting what she wants.
Even if you want a relationship, there are better.
I recommend instead two different options:
- Meeting with reserve
- Meeting and escalating to sex anyway
This is an example of meeting with reserve, from the same previous conversation:
You must be watchful here of how you walk this tight rope: you want to deflect but without sounding like you don’t want her around without sex -yes I know there are different ways of having sex dears reader, but I have my preferences :)-.
I like this approach, positioning it as if having her around without having sex would be too hard for you.
Also, I was going to have a conversation with her about this, but in person. I didn’t like the way she set the whole meeting up and then only mentioned sex as if it was an afterthought. Sex is not an afterthought between two people on a budding relationship, meeting only a couple of days a week and with strong chemistry.
Finally, don’t forget the last option: making her come at your place and escalating to sex anyway -as long as the “issue” was not a real and serious issue, of course-.
Just make sure you treat her well afterward and it’s still a win-win.
2. Move Your Ass You Son of A Bitch
MYAYSOB is a rather nasty game.
It consists of parading other options and leveraging jealousy to compel him into action.
Here is one example:
Her message in this case communicated
“move your ass to get serious you SOB cause there’s men who are willing to wine and dine me… And I might pick one of ’em“.
After I prodded her, she probably felt like she had made her point clear enough and that going forward would have created too big of a rift.
She probably also didn’t want to risk overplaying her hand and come across as nasty.
And that’s why she presented me with a candy.
This whole game, including the last candy, certainly didn’t gain her any points.
Dealing With MYAYSOB
One of the reasons why it’s great getting good at reading social dynamics is because we can become discerning about the people we accept in our lives.
If you see nasty games before the relationship, what do you think is going to happen during the relationship?
These are the same type of women who will threaten to break up, to “go out and party” (implied “meeting someone”) or worst of all… Divorce you and take all you’ve got :).
High-quality alpha females tend to be more direct with their requests. High quality but submissive women might not be as direct, but they have one thing in common: they avoid the nastiest games.
The women you need to protect the most against are the ones who are smart and assertive enough, possibly also attractive and hot… But who don’t have morals and ethical qualms.
Like in this example.
I recommend you test women who play these types of games. Ask them questions, don’t offer them a relationship for as long as you can and see what they come up with.
Then, if you want to give it a try at reforming them, you can tell them something like this:
You: why are you telling me that. Why are you telling me of your date
Then, it’s time to bust your PIMP hand and show that you don’t take that attitude lightly. You do want to push her on the defensive here:
You: that was totally unnecessary, why do you feel the need to say that
Then you want to shame them a bit:
You: Frankly, I think it’s rather nasty of you to parade others dates you are having. I am very disappointed in you
Then, if you think they are worthy it, you can introduce how you see healthy relationships and see if she can fit your standards.
3. I Give You Mine You Give Me Yours
IGYMYGMY… That really worked out well as an acronym didn’t it.
I don’t have a text or a video to show you, so you’re in for a story-treat:
A girl I was seeing worked as a real estate agent, showing flats around.
One day she was showing a flat to a guy. Now you would never guess, but this guy was a surfer and underwear model.
You can imagine my excitement as she recounted the story :).
Well, you would never guess what happened, but The hunk asked her this:
Hunk: Would I offend any guy inviting you out for dinner?
At that point I wondered if I would have ever heard that story, had she said yes :).
But well, since she actually told me the story, she turned him down.
See the message here?
First of all, she is communicating that yes, there is someone who might get offended -me-. And people who get offended are emotionally invested. Thus, if I confirmed, I would have also implied that we are probably moving into “serious territory”.
And second, what is she doing?
She is giving me her commitment.
But since most relationships entail an exchange, she is indirectly also asking me for commitment back.
It’s a much, much nicer and gentler version of MYAYSOB.
It’s basically saying:
Her implied message: “I’m giving you my exclusivity in spite of great options out there. What are you gonna do, Lux? Are you going to give me yours too, or what?”
Dealing With IGYMYGMY
As per usual, your reply will depend on whether or not you’re OK with a committed relationship.
If you are interested in a relationship, I would avoid telling her “you did well”. And I would also avoid “thank you”.
Better instead to make a mental note that she is offering you exclusivity and she likes you. And to jump straight into the “conversation”, explaining where you stand and your possible future together.
Then let her work a little bit to reel you in.
If you are not interested in a relationship I would avoid doing what many guys would do here, such as telling her “why didn’t you say yes“.
That’s brutal and really uncalled for.
You need to go into the hard conversation here and explain you’re not looking for a relationship. Next, you know what you gotta do: put that nice fish back into the sea.
Here is how it went between us:
Me: “OK” (very nonchalantly)
A long pause ensued. She looks down. Then she finally blurted:
Her: “aren’t you glad I said no?”
You can imagine how it went from there.
Between us, I just checked her Instagram. Damn she looked awesome in that Christmas party dress (if it weren’t for some idiot beside her :).
More Commitment Games
Different women have different ways of pushing men into commitment.
Some of them are the following:
- Waiting game
The waiting game, unless she is dealing with a super relationship type of guy, is a rather bad strategy to get commitment.
- Play like a man and feign disinterest
This is the strategy that one very popular dating book for women recommends.
I think that a risk/rewards analysis makes it a retarded strategy -I explain why in the women’s dating literature review Pussy Power-.
- Dropping hints
Dropping hints is another typical technique. It can take many forms, ranging from “my girlfriend just got engaged” to “it’s San Valentine in one week”.
Hints are very simple, but not too bad: most men will get what women mean and she avoids any nastiness.
- Shaming (“you’re the only one who can’t commit, look at your friends!”)
Not a very good option.
It puts her hard in the chasing position, it leads to a lot of fight and if he gives in it will rarely be the start of a great relationship.
- High-pressure games (threats, jealousy, ultimatums)
IGYMYGMY we saw earlier is an example of the larger category of “high-pressure games”, which also includes threats and ultimatums.
I recommend women not to use high-pressure tactics and men to women’s high-pressure games as a warning sign of worse to come.
Why Women Play Commitment Games
Women play commitment games because, often, they need to.
Some women ask directly, and that’s good, but not all women are as assertive or as vulnerability-resistant-. It’s only normal that some women will resort to some less direct games.
That’s not a bad thing, and it’s actually a quality many men seek and appreciate.
Most relationships follow a known and relatively predictable pattern of power.
And after sex and prior to official commitment, it’s one of those rare phases where he has more power than her.
At that point, unless he volunteers the commitment, it’s her who needs commitment the most. And all the games we have seen here are trying to achieve the same goal: make him commit.
Spending more time together says “we are more than just sex”. Parading other suitors says “hurry up to commit”.
And “I am giving you commitment” says “will you do the same?”.
Men Must Get Ready for Commitment Games
After sex happened a few times with a woman and before commitment men usually are in a “rest” phase.
They got the sex they wanted, and now they feel like it’s done and dusted. And they can take it easy. If they were dining and wining her, now they might try to meet more often at home.
If they were making her a lot of gits, now they might slow down with their giving. And if they went the lover way and never invested much in her. They might be lulled into believing it will always stay like that.
But it rarely “stays like that” and it’s only the calm before the storm.
Women are more pragmatic and work more on a biological clock: not all, but most women will eventually try to tie him down and, later on, will work to domesticate him once in the relationship.
Are Commitment Games Bad?
As already saw, they can simply be the signs of less assertive personalities and that’s a feminine quality that many men seek and appreciate.
They can be nasty, of course, and we saw one such example.
But some other commitment games are actually a very good sign.
The IGYMYGMY is an example of high-class game.
It’s a very nice and gentle game to nudge the relationship towards commitment.
And it’s exactly what I advocate women do in this previous article on escalating mutual commitment. It gives first, and the giving prompts more giving in return in what becomes a virtuous cycle.
If done well, it also leverages what Cialdini calls The Law of Reciprocity, which is a nice bonus to increase compliance in the receiver.
When sex has happened a few times and exclusive commitment hasn’t happened yet, most women will get antsy.
They want to progress things into a more serious and commitment relationship, and while some will ask directly for it, many others will resort to games.
Games are not necessarily nasty, but they can be.
And men should watch out for what kind of games she will use: they are most likely a great predictor of how she will behave in the relationship.
Recommendation for Men & Women
Women should ask directly for commitment or use gentler games.
Men should only accept direct requests or kinder games. Nasty games and coercive tactics are a bad omen. He should consider her not girlfriend material or, at the very least, put her under heavier scrutiny.