Are you looking for ways to make him chase you?
You have come to the right place.
This is a no-holds-barred, no-BS guide on psychological triggers and science-proven ways to make men chase you.
- How to Make Him Chase You
- #1. Deny Him First
- #2. Make Him Jump Through Your Hoops
- #3. Disappear: The Vacuum Effect
- #4. Use Push-Pull
- #5. Enforce Your Boundaries
- #6. Cry… And A Knight Will Show Up
- #7. Show Your Naughty Side
- #8. Pretend to Disappear (False Takeaway)
- #9. Stay Mysterious
- #10. Be (Somewhat) Difficult to Get
- #11. Tell Him You Don’t Want a Relationship
- #12. Look Inexperienced, Madonna-Like
- #13. Jolt His Life, Make Crazy Memories Together
- #14. Make Him Compete With Other Men (AKA: Triangulation)
- #15. Reach Out Less Than He Does
- #16. Threaten the Break Up (AKA: Games of Chicken)
- #17. And If You Broke Up, Make Him See You Happy
- Warning: Don’t Make Him Chase You
- Bad Advice on Making Him Chase You
How to Make Him Chase You
These techniques are designed to make men chase.
Many of them also work on women, though.
So sometimes you will see examples of men using these techniques on women. It’s all good: the dynamics are the same.
So let’s start:
#1. Deny Him First
People want what they can’t have.
And women have been unconsciously knowing and using this physiological trigger long before Cialdini codified it in his seminal book Influence.
Indeed, when you deny him, you shake him from the foundation of his ego. Many men at that point will want to prove you wrong and show you how good he actually is.
And the chase begins…
Aurora in “Terms of Endearment” uses this technique with her body language:
She denies him without even uttering a single word the moment she starts walking away.
Risks of This Technique
Quite simply, he might not pursue you again.
Some men are proud and have a big ego, and not only they might stop chasing you, but they might actually actively dislike you.
Men who dislike you still keep chasing you, but more from a position of “I’ll bang her just to show her than disappear”.
Some other high-quality men are just too busy to chase, and they prefer focusing on women who are into them -and women who play fewer games-.
Also, this technique works best when men outnumber women in quality and/or quantity. But that is not the case in the West these days.
#2. Make Him Jump Through Your Hoops
Denying him is risky and he might just disappear.
So to improve on that technique, you show him there is a “light at the end of the tunnel”.
But he must deserve that light.
When you prod him, you tell him what he must do better.
And you imply that he needs to step up his game.
You: Oh that doesn’t work with me mister
You: You must be doing better than that
Or more direct:
You: I like you, but I prefer gentler man. Can you be a bit more gentle please
Have you noticed what these all have in common?
You kinda deny what he’s doing right now, but you also show he’s in with a chance.
Indeed, the secret to making him chase you while jumping through your hoops is to show him that, if he plays it well, he can (eventually) get you.
This is less risky than outright denying him, which in my opinion makes for a better alternative.
Ryan Gosling has a dominant version of this technique.
You want to have the same effect of having him chase you and prove himself to you. But you want to be more gentle:
Risks of This Technique
Since you setting yourself up as the prize and telling him how to get you, this technique shows a lot of confidence and resolve.
But that’s a double-edged sword.
Some men will be intrigued that you’re laying the gaming cards right on the table.
But some others might be annoyed that you’re taking the driver’s seat. These men are usually socially smart enough to see the game, but not socially smart enough to turn the tables. They might just leave the table instead.
And the most driven and socially smart men?
If they want to play, they will turn the table on you. If they’re more looking for a serious and collaborative relationship, they might take this game as a sign that you don’t like them too much and/or you’re not a collaborative partner.
#3. Disappear: The Vacuum Effect
Another sneaky way of making him chase you is to disappear right when he expected you to be there.
For example: take two days to reply to his text after a great date.
Or if you’re talking a lot already, go radio silent for a whole day.
You can make it as early as after a first date if it was really good (example below).
But usually, it’s safer a bit later in the interaction.
He might see through the game playing and simply refuse to play. Or he might misread your momentary withdrawal for lack of interest.
#4. Use Push-Pull
The idea is similar to the vacuum but at a faster pace.
You compliment him and be all affectionate, and then you’re distant and indifferent all in the same evening.
Or you criticize him and drive his morale down, and then build him back up saying he’s “still” the best you ever had.
Danger: socially smarter men might see through it and dump your game-playing a*s for engaging in it. And if you do it too much some more rational men might see it as a sign of instability.
4.1. Sexual Push-Pull
The push-pull is extremely exciting also when it’s sexual in nature.
A good example of push and pull is a woman who wants to resist (push), but who is too excited to resist (pull).
This is a good example of sexual push and pull:
#5. Enforce Your Boundaries
Yes, enforcing your boundaries makes me chase.
It’s micro-chasing, but it’s the type of chasing that makes men want a relationship.
Whenever he mistreats you, babies you, belittles you or teases a bit too hard, draw your line in the sand.
He will feel compelled to apologize and win you back. And he will realize that you are a high-quality woman who does not accept bad behavior -or bad relationships-. And that’s wife-material, right there.
Karen in “The Goodfellas” draws her line in the sand with much power and emotion.
Depending on your character, this might be too powerful and emotional, but it’s a good example to understand the dynamics.
Not accepting bad behavior communicates you expect to be treated well and fairly. And guess what good and serious men will want to do? To treat you well and fairly.
#6. Cry… And A Knight Will Show Up
Yes, the old damsel in distress.
Don’t roll your eyes, this is about what works, and the damsel in Distress is an old classic because it works (Smith, 2017).
It awakens the “protector” instincts and you will gain femininity points.
Crying also works in relationships. Men are susceptible to women getting upset as they feel like they are responsible to appease them (John Gottman).
If he cares about you, crying will really work magic. But if he doesn’t, you only become a bigger burden. As a rule of thumb, best if you don’t do it too early and without a good reason.
6.1. Show Signs of Exploitability To Awaken His Protector’s Instincts
In “scientific dating strategies” we reviewed the “exploitability signals”.
Exploitability signals attract both male vultures looking for easy prey, and “good men” looking to protect and invest.
With a little tweak, you can get the best of both worlds: raw sexual attraction, and men falling head over heels to provide.
Here is a great example:
She mixes exploitability signals with “selectively hard to get” signals, asking to only date men who will still be around.
#7. Show Your Naughty Side
Why showing your naughty version makes him chase?
Well, you should know this one.
There is an old saying where I come from.
And my area is not very well known for its finesse, so pardon the French:
A hair of pussy pulls more than a cart of oxen
I suppose back when the saying started women weren’t shaving much :).
The figurative meaning is that the sexual pull of a woman is the strongest pull one can exert.
And there is a lot of truth there.
Research from evolutionary psychologist David Buss also proves that one of the best and most reliable techniques to make men chase is to hint that you are primed for sex (Buss, 2016).
The best way to do it is not with direct sexual invites but through teasing.
Here is a good example:
The girl in the above text often flirts with that style. And I used to think about her more than I would otherwise think of her because I associate her with sex.
And of course, you can keep using this technique after you’ve had sex already.
The below is not your typical flirting text.
But I wanted to show it to you as an example of how many women have the wrong mindset when it comes to chasing, honesty and sexuality:
Did you think that it was “too much” and she made it too obvious she was into me?
If so, you might still be stuck with the mindset of “don’t show your cards and pretend you’re not that into him”.
But her raw sexual honesty made me so much more excited about seeing her, made me quite horny, and also drew me closer to her.
In the short run, it did give me more power -and if you don’t want to do that, you could take the “fantasy” bit off-.
But in the long run, it increased her power.
Even today, as I was looking for this old text, I got horny and would have gladly chased her if she wasn’t in a solid, happy relationship :).
On the other hand, men have little fantasies of women who hide their sexual drives and attraction.
Risks of This Technique
As a rule of thumb: sexual hints that make men chase in the short term make women poorer candidates for the long term (ie.: men will chase for sex, not for relationships).
That’s why I only recommend being sexually more direct if you’ve already had sex with him -like the second text example-.
Otherwise, keep it at a teasing level -like the first text message-.
#8. Pretend to Disappear (False Takeaway)
This is a very good, neat technique to make him chase you.
The early pick-up artist used to call it a “false takeaway” (Neil Strauss, 2011), and it consists of you physically walking away, or emotionally withdrawing.
This is best used when he has done something wrong, and it’s a good alternative to the “enforcing your boundaries” that we saw above. This one is more suited for less assertive women, and for women who prefer a more submissive and feminine style.
Whenever he does something wrong, withdraws. Or move away.
You can supercharge this power move if you leave before sex and while you were getting physically and emotionally closer, maybe at this place, right when he thought he was about to get it.
Some of the women I want the most are the ones that left or interrupted our relationship right before physical escalation, or in the middle of emotional intimacy, right when I was getting to like them.
This is an example from the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun”:
Notice that not only she chases him, but that he has a strong emotional impact on her
Risks of This Technique
If you use it when there is no real reason, you will look emotionally manipulative.
And while it works best with men who are high in power and who want to possess you and control the relationship, it can also backfire the most with those men.
Some of them will become obsessed, and turn into stalkers. You will not want to see them again when they started behaving like that, but they will, and they can become a threat.
#9. Stay Mysterious
Have you ever noticed how much people hate knowing the end of a movie?
Review websites go to great lengths to plaster “spoiler alerts” because people get really angry when they know what’s going to happen.
And they lose interest in watching the movie altogether.
That’s why you don’t want to be a movie with a known ending.
Never tell him that you are going to have sex after a certain number of dates, or days.
Never say that you are going to do it when you go back to his, or you ruin the anticipation and his feeling of conquest.
Even about your life, don’t be an open book, but keep some mysteries.
Be a developing story
#10. Be (Somewhat) Difficult to Get
The common advice here is often wrong.
It’s not the woman who is hardest to reach who makes men chase the most.
The woman that men chase the hardest is the woman who is mildly available (Walster et. al., 1973).
You must use some judgment here and tread carefully.
If you are too unreachable, he might end up with more available women. And if you initiate contact too frequently, he might lose interest.
#11. Tell Him You Don’t Want a Relationship
Warning: this is risky.
That being said when you say you don’t want a relationship, some men will think there must be something wrong with them.
They will think they are not good enough to make you want to be in a relationship.
They will chase even harder.
The obvious risk here is that some other men who want a relationship will just take your word for it and look for better alternatives.
The movie 500 Days of Summer is a good example of a man who chases her even harder the moment she says she doesn’t want a relationship.
“not needing a man” has become such a popular crying battle and such a common aspiration for some women that some guys have grown tired of these antics.
#12. Look Inexperienced, Madonna-Like
Men want to have sex with the whore, but want to marry the Madonna (Madonna-whore complex).
So while earlier we said you can make him chase sex by acting very sexual, you can also make him chase a relationship by acting.
Here are a few ways to do it:
- Say you only do “serious dating”
- Seem uninterested in sex and men
- Never have sex on the first two dates
- Keep your partner count low, and reveal it strategically
- Don’t do any sexual crazy stunts the first few times you have sex
Danger: some men prefer experienced women as they see the virgin-like woman as puerile. However, these men are a minority.
#13. Jolt His Life, Make Crazy Memories Together
Many of us secretly crave more excitement in our lives.
If you can live some micro-adventures with him, chances are that he will want more of you in his life.
I will never forget the woman who took my hand and started running to make it on time and reach a shop that was almost closing. And I’m sure some women will never forget our whirlwind romances together.
Even just being lively and silly will make some want to chase you because you a breath of fresh air in their lives.
This works particularly well with men who are older, more sedentary, more boring, or who secretly miss some spontaneity in their life.
It doesn’t have to be anything crazy.
Running under the rain while holding hands and slightly intoxicated is enough.
Or running through a museum like in the movie The Dreamers:
Risks of This Technique
This might not work with some of the most rational men out there.
Well, let’s be precise, with some of the most rationally looking men it will work even better because they are secretly craving for some release.
But a few of the most soulless, boring ones might not see any attractiveness in the wilder and “crazier” side of life.
But maybe you don’t want those guys? 🙂
#14. Make Him Compete With Other Men (AKA: Triangulation)
This is what Greene calls “triangulation” in The Art of Seduction.
It’s quite obvious, isn’t it: put him in a race and he’ll race harder to win.
Also, you will look more in demand -scarcity principle-, which further drives him forward.
However, be careful with triangulation. It’s very easy to do this wrong in any setting other than in real life.
The best is having a man flirt with you in person while you do not flirt back (nearly as much as him).
Danger: do it too much, too early, and you look like a floozy. Or like a game player.
This is an example of doing it wrong:
She probably realized later that it was not the best strategy and tried to get some points back.
And it was a very good move to get some points back indeed, but overall still a net loss.
#15. Reach Out Less Than He Does
You knew this one.
This is the #1 advice any publication provides.
It’s not wrong though, but it can easily backfire if you do it too much.
The secret is to give, but not so much that you become bored.
Otherwise, another very, very mind-fu*king strategy is to give a lot, build him up for the whole initial phase, and then withdraw.
That’s the sociopath way though, and it’s more something you need to guard against than something you should actively do.
A technique I prefer instead, which is also far healthier, is to build up the relationship together. You give something, and expect him to do the same. Then you keep on building one step each until you have a great relationship.
#16. Threaten the Break Up (AKA: Games of Chicken)
Warning: only use sparingly, and if there is a good reason.
The correct way of deploying this technique is with this frame:
If he is not giving you what you want, like for example exclusivity, or an official status, you make it clear that you are not getting your needs met. Since you like him, you hope he will turn around.
But if he doesn’t, you will have to move on.
It’s an attitude that he either chips in and moves things along, or you will look for some other high-quality man who will fulfill your expectations.
You can convey it with your attitude.
But if the attitude is not enough, then don’t be afraid of being direct with your request:
You: Mark, I have a great time with you, and I really like you. At the same time, I don’t do sex outside of committed relationships and I am looking for something more serious and, potentially, long term.
I would like to know where do you stand on this.
#17. And If You Broke Up, Make Him See You Happy
If you break up, make sure that he sees you:
- And with another man being “friendly”
This, together with not contacting, is basically the core advice of the best-seller “Ignore The Guy, Get The Guy“.
Just don’t make it too obvious.
Make it seem like you’re just living your life. And that guy around you, don’t make it too obvious either.
He might be a new lover. Or your ex might still make it on time… If he only chases you hard…
Warning: Don’t Make Him Chase You
All the above techniques on making him chase do work and are based on solid psychology.
BUT they only work under certain conditions and mostly with certain types of men.
I have said it on this website more than once.
Data (DateOnomics) and game theory show that in the Western world with more high quality women than men techniques designed to make you scarce and make him chase are often more likely to damage you than help you.
You should be aware of the risks and limitations before embarking on any game designed to make him chase you.
You can read more here:
- Do men really enjoy the chase?
- Should you make him wait for sex?
- How to make him invest more in you
- The science of dating
- Common mistakes women do
And here is a good example of how dropping all the games and showing your beautiful self, interest, and attraction included, can work better than any “scarcity-based” games:
You can read the whole forum entry here.
Bad Advice on Making Him Chase You
There is a lot of “feel-good advice” out there for women.
- The high-quality woman that men chase endlessly knows her real attraction isn’t physical.
That’s Mark Rosenfeld, writing for The Thought Catalogue.
And that’s also a lie flying in the face of plenty of scientific evidence: physical attraction is an important driver of attraction.
- Focus on your life and career and be confident
You should be focusing on your life and career and be confident, but don’t expect that it will bring you more and better options.
Women who follow this advice without learning human nature are at higher risk of staying single (and sometimes bitter).
Indeed, research shows that men say they want women who are smarter and more successful than they are. But they don’t really pursue those women.
Read more about dating for successful women.
However, you can still have a great career and still be a pursued feminine woman.
Not easy, but possible.
Read more here:
Overall, I recommend you focus less on making men chase, and more on moving the relationship forward together.
However, there are times when knowing the dynamics and techniques of making people chase can work in your favor and still be part of a healthy relationship.
This article has given you a few techniques you can still put in your dating arsenal and use when the right occasion presents.
And of course, hopefully, it has helped you to better understand men, psychology, and people in general.