Submissive women: are they really more successful when it comes to dating?
This article will answer this question.
We will begin by defining what’s a feminine woman and what’s a “strong” woman.
- Recognizing Strong & Submissive Women
- What Dating Advice Says
- The Truth of Strong VS Submissive
- What Should You Do
Strong Women Traits
By strong women, I am referring to the more independent, career focused type of woman who does not prioritize her relationship (or her man).
I will be using interchangeably “strong woman” or “independent woman”.
Strong women tend to be:
- Goal-driven (as compared to relationships-driven)
Note: Of course, strong women can be feminine as well, but it’s more difficult to be feminine as a strong, independent woman. And few women manage to pull it off effectively.
Strong women are comfortable with:
- Traveling and going out alone
- Challenging people on their opinions and decisions
Submissive Women Traits
By submissive woman, I am referring to the more traditional type of woman. She might have a job and even do financially well, but she prioritizes her family and her relationships. In the relationship she tends to defer more to her man, be less opinionated and, overall, be more submissive.
I will be using interchangeably the word “submissive woman” or “feminine woman”.
Submissive women tend to:
- Take traditional roles at home
- Prioritize relationship and harmony over own goals
Note: of course, submissive women can be unfeminine as well, but on average it’s easier for submissive women to be more feminine.
Submissive women prefer:
- Going out with their men (or at most with friends)
- Handing over responsibilities to their men
Note on submissiveness: submissive has come to take a very negative undertone . In this article I am using this word free of any negative connotation.
Submissive & Strong: It’s a Continuum
Of course the two categories are a simplification.
Most women are submissive or strong depending on the situation and, most of all, the man they are with.
And everyone sits on a continuum, not on polar opposites. The majority of women cluster around the middle so they are either “slightly strong” or “slightly more submissive”.
However, the two categories are still helpful to understand the differences
And many women will lean a bit more on the strong side or on the feminine side.
Recognizing Strong & Submissive Women
Do you know the Bruce Lee quote, “be like water my friend?”.
Women, on average, are very good at being like water and adapting to their environment.
Well, human beings on average are very good at adapting to the prevailing social customs. However, women even more so.
What does that mean to us?
It means that most women in the west will say, and maybe even actually believe, that they are independent.
And most women in cultures that prize (or force) women to be traditional, will say they are good, traditional housewives.
This means that you have to look at how they behave, not to what they say.
As a matter of fact, many women who flaunt their independence might as well as try to cover up their lack of confidence and independence (this is a known phenomenon in psychology called reaction formation).
What Dating Advice Says
Now here comes the interesting part.
The women’s dating literature is heavily split among those who recommend you be an independent woman and those who recommend you to be more submissive -albeit without using that word of course!-.
Both camps are maskedly scornful of each other.
The proponents of the strong woman says that the submissive woman one gets played and abandoned.
While the proponents of the more traditional role for women say the strong type is “lonely”.
For example Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, the most popular dating book for women, encourage women to be more submissive. And it has a chapter called:
Strong, Independent -And Lonely– Women
And Why Men Love Bitches, encouraging women to take charge of their life (and relationship), has the subtitle of:
From Doormat to Dreamgirl
Where doormat is the girl who is “too nice” (and submissive).
Only a few of the best dating resources espouse an happy middle.
Women Recommend Independence, Men Submissiveness
Now here is the other twist: it’s mostly men who advise to be more submissive. And it’s mostly women who advice to be more independent.
What’s up there?
In my opinion part of the reason is because women who write dating books have been burned themselves and have a grudge against men.
This is the same for men who write dating resources and have a gripe against women.
And this is one of the reasons why I recommend you don’t take relationship advice from dating authors.
The second reason, is a bit more perverse:
Why Most Women Give You Bad Advice
Women (same same as men) derive innate pleasure be being more liked and pursued by men.
More than just pure pleasure, it’s an innate drive underpinned by both survival and reproduction needs.
One way to be more liked and pursued do is to increase their appeal.
The other one is, guess what? To lower the appeal of other women.
Suggesting other women to be stronger and more independent is a way to make other women less competitive and appealing.
And by decreasing the appeal of other women, they automatically increase theirs.
Yep, you thought you should watch out for games men play. Turns out, you should probably watch out more for games women play on other women
Just ask yourself this: have you ever heard a woman telling another woman to be more feminine? Exactly, me neither.
Albeit, as we shall see, being more feminine is obviously the most competitive position to adopt in the dating marketplace.
Why Most Men Don’t Give Great Advice Either
When men complain of women being too feminist and aggressive they are actually complaining that women are too independent for them.
They take issue with not being able to control their women, but instead of looking in the mirror, they go for the good old finger pointing.
And of course, men also have an obvious interest in making their dating options larger and more palatable.
By making women overall more submissive, they increase their own dating options (and, possibly, dating pleasure).
Therefore, I would recommend you always keep that in mind when dating comes from women -with the unconscious agenda of making you less appealing- or from men -with the unconscious agenda of making dating easier for themselves-.
The Truth of Strong VS Submissive
I don’t think it’s easy or even fair to pick a “winner” between strong women and submissive women.
But if we strictly define “winner” as “having more options”, than it’s clear that submissive women have more options.
This is because women prefer relationships with men who are more dominant, and men prefer relationships with women who are more submissive (especially for long term).
You can see this in the picture below.
The submissive woman (playing violin in red) can date almost any man (everyone to her right).
The strong woman is at the opposite end of the spectrum though. The pool of men she’s interested -and who are interested in her!- is much, much smaller (only a few of the most dominant men).
Feminine Has Higher Sex Appeal
On average, women want mannish men. And men want feminine women.
No biggies here.
However, purely speaking about sex appeal, broadest pull by far is that of the feminine woman who can breath sexual energy into her demeanor.
Indeed all three top seducing strategies that we reviewed, all use a hint of submissivness.
And Marilyn Monroe combined submissiveness with a high erotic charge.
Extremes are Unattractive
It’s worth noting that whenever a woman goes too far in each direction, either too masculine or too feminine, it’s usually unattractive.
In my opinion, one of the reasons Hillary Clinton lost is because, in an effort to look more dominant, she ended up forgetting to be a woman in too many instances.
And women who overplay the submissive part too much end up being annoying to men as well:
But Both Types Can Be High Quality
Strong woman or submissive woman are traits that have absolutely nothing to do with a woman’s overall quality.
You can have both high quality submissive women and low quality ones. And the same is true for independent women.
Men’s Relationship Preferences
More feminine women do have a bigger dating pool: that’s barely a matter of opinions.
However, there is also a big element of preference here.
While very submissive men have little options, more dominant men who can choose might show a preference for women who are closer to him on the dominance scale (and that’s not rare).
These are the men who see their romantic partner as a partner for a life, a partner with whom they like to explore, talk and “spar” ideas and opinions. These guys prefer a stronger woman who is closer to them in the independence scale.
A woman who defers too much is a too meek for them.
As an example of a successful strong woman, take for example Amal Clooney.
What Should You Do
Does this make sense to you so far?
We covered quite a few topics and this was not the simplest of all articles.
Let’s focus now on the practical applications of this information.
How can you use this information to become an even higher quality gal?
I would say there are three major lessons learned here:
1. Stay Away From Stereotypes
First of all, drop all the stereotypes.
Most women railing against “too nice girls” and most men railing against “feminists” are screaming at stereotypes that rarely exist in the real world.
The vast, vast majority of independent women are no family destroying, man-hating lesbians.
And the vast, vast majority of traditional women are no pushovers who let men take advantage of them (on the contrary, often men are more than happy to provide for them).
2. Tweak Your Style, Don’t Change it
The dating advice is not good when it comes to independence VS submissiveness because it’s often made of sweeping generalizations with little tailoring (ie.: be 100% independent OR be 100% submissive).
But what you should do depends a lot on where you’re standing right now (and what kind of men you like).
Best of all in my opinion is to embrace your natural disposition and tweak it if needed.
For example if you are too submissive and you are dating a man who is very dominant, goal driven and not very relationship-centric. then you are at higher risk of both getting hurt and boring him.
If that’s the case you will benefit from learning how to read relationship dynamics and to know when you are giving too much with too little in return.
If you are too on the strong woman side, you can gain from becoming more feminine and more accommodating.
This is especially true at the far end of the strong spectrum where the attitude is that “I’m not gonna be nobody’s woman“.
That attitude shrinks the dating pool to a puddle with not a single frog to kiss (and it doesn’t even help with getting along with other women).
3. Don’t Bash
Submissive women don’t particularly love or get along with very strong women. But they don’t mind too much because they are not as competitive and they are more focused on their men.
It’s from the strong women camp that the flak gets more intense.
Independent women indeed resent more feminine women quite a bit. And they also resent men who prefer feminine women.
All that flak is mostly out of self-protection. But it’s an attitude that adds no value whatsoever to either you or the world.
It only poisons you and it looks spiteful.
That means, no calling men who prefer submissive women “weak” and no calling more submissive women “pushovers”.
This was a bit of a complex topic.
Was it clear in enough?
- Submissive women have more dating options (most men go for more submissive)
- But some men prefer women closer to their dominance level (but not all)
- Strong/submissive has nothing to do with overall woman’s quality
- Discard most general dating advice of “being more independent” or “more submissive”