Red Flags (2015) teaches readers how to recognize Frenemies, Underminers, and Toxic People with Wendy Patrick’s simple approach by looking at just four major signal clusters.

Exec Summary

• Look at the 4 FLAGs:
  • Focus: What they focus on
  • Life: How they live
  • Associations: Who they associate with
  • Goals: What their goals are
• Morals and values are important when it comes to picking great people in your life
• Takers come disguised as givers, so be careful. Especially about your needs and emotional needs

We agree with all of that here at TPM.

FULL SUMMARY

About the Author:
Wendy L. Patrick is a Deputy District Attorney and team leader in the Sex Crimes and Stalking Division of the San Diego County District Attorney’s Office. She also writes for Psychology Today and holds a Ph.D. in Theology.

Focus on FLAGs to Read People

• Focus: what gets their attention? They focus on themselves, or others?
• Lifestyle: how do they spend their time?
• Associations: who do they get along with?
• Goals: what are their priorities? Are they selfish or selfless?

More details from my notes:

• Focus: Focus of attention reveals thoughts, feelings, intentions, and interests. 
  • Self-focused VS other-focused. notice the use of “I” VS “we” (social orientation)
  • On a date: does he focus on your body, your brain, or the ball game?
  • In conversation: personal questions, puffery, or politics?
  • At a social event: the host or the bar?
  • In general: pleasure, family, or career?
• Lifestyle: Personal spaces and after-work are more telling than work. Unusual activities are telling.
  • Leisure time activities: healthy or hedonistic?
  • Workspace: messy or meticulous?
  • Scrapbooking or Facebooking: sentimental or social?
  • Spending habits: splurging or penny-pinching? Is money the main focus and end goal, or a facilitator for other pursuits?
• Associations: shallowness or warmth? Beware “for show” associations” VS for pleasure. For associations and voluntary activities, but how people use them -for CV, or to add value?-
  • Peer group: coworkers, childhood friends, or cyber friends?
  • Quality time spent with: (real) family or fraternity brothers?
  • Relationship history: one-night-stands or serial monogamist?
  • Social orientation: isolationist or community builder?
  • Away from home: exclusive golf club, cigar club, or community service club?
• Goals: Even more than behavior, looks at the drive behind. If they run marathons, is it for adrenaline rush, challenge of beating personal times, or bragging?
  • Selfish or selfless?
  • Short-term or long-term? Future orientation is associated with stronger moral concerns present orientation (Nordhall, 2013)
  • Fame, fortune, or fun?
  • Improve the world or conquer the world?
  • Reach the peak of the mountain, or of the corporate ladder?
  • Finish the race or win first place?

Great stuff.

On focus, an alumnus in our forum noted that the first words of her friend walking in were about the beauty and value of the house.
Then, wondering if she was worthy of it. That reflects a very value-accounting approach to relationships.

And here’s a case study for our alumni.

Rules for Reading People

1. Use first impressions: perceive as much as you can when you are most objective.
2. Be wary of under-exposure: avoidance and secrets are suspicious
3. Observe behavior over time.
4. Use a wide-angle lens: observe behavior in context, and in different settings.
5. Solicit multiple exposures: introduce new partners to your family and friends.
6. Trust but verify. Seek corroboration on and offline.

Detecting Dark Triads

The Dark Triad is made up of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy (…) often distinguished from other character flaws by its ability to present a very attractive façade. 

Dark triads also have very specific goals:

Psychopaths and Machiavellians pursue tangible goals such as wealth, status, or sex.31 Narcissists pursue admiration, respect, and status, rather than tangible resources.32

Sometimes you can spot dark triad because their emotional reactions are “off”.
And sometimes even opposite of what you would normally expect:

research shows that Dark Triad individuals can actually experience positive affect when confronted with sad emotions in others, and psychopaths can experience positive affect when confronted with fearful and angry expressions.66 Conversely, both psychopaths and Machiavellianists have been shown to feel negative affect toward expressions of happiness.67 

Look for sensation-seeking without considering the costs:

Thus, while sensation seekers may pursue a wide array of conduct ranging from skydiving to trying a new restaurant, such behavior is only impulsive when it is performed without regard to potential costs.17 Both impulsivity and sensation seeking are linked with Dark Triad personality.18 
(…)
status-driven risk taking, also linked to Dark Triad personality, is risk taking that is motivated by social and financial gain

One Red Flag Can Tell You Everything

Says the author:

dishonest lifestyle is not likely to be confined only to certain areas. The next time someone takes you to lunch to propose doing business together and intentionally fails to tell the server about an expensive item accidentally omitted from the bill, consider whether they would hesitate to cheat you out of future business profits just as easily. 

That even inspired this video to test people:

Lucio: agree in advance with the server or owner to hand a smaller bill. And see if they correct the mistake

Dark Triad Are More Likely to Become Leaders

Says the author:

Power in the form of leadership potential is linked with all three Dark Triad personality traits: narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism.

About narcissists:

Narcissists have characteristics that under certain circumstances make them desirable as leaders—even when people are aware of their narcissistic features. This is because in situations of uncertainty, the narcissist’s confidence, dominance, strength, and toughness can generate psychological comfort and a sense of security.

Psychopaths:

Psychopaths can make good leaders as well (…) psychopathic traits such as heightened physical and social fearlessness can predispose them to effective leadership in areas such as the military or in politics.41 In the corporate world, some businesspeople with high psychopathy scores hold positions of senior management.

The author also mentions Hitler and Stalin and says the absence of morality can also help psychopaths become leaders.

On Machiavellians and their leadership potential:

They are power-oriented (…) yet judged positively and desired as leaders.
With their talent for strategic, long-range planning and expertise in impression management, they are often well suited for leadership (…).
(…) show stronger leadership and ability to form alliances (…) they are also prone to exploitation, and their concern for others is limited to their own self-interest. 

Do they use prestige or dominance?

Within relationships, people using a dominance strategy are more likely to be narcissistic, Machiavellian, and aggressive, whereas those using prestige are more likely to be agreeable, socially accepted, and high in self-esteem. Prestigious people also tend to possess valuable skills such as* altruism, academic achievement, and other intellectual and social abilities. (Cheng et at., 2013)

*To be accurate, “altruism” isn’t a skill, but the point is still valid.

Learn to recognize poor and dark triad leaders

Says the author:

This is important to recognize, because charismatic leaders have the ability to influence people to behave in ways that contradict their moral values.

We couldn’t agree more.
Also see our articles:

• Great leadership is great manipulation

And:

Lucio: Trump manipulated his followers to act on his behalf and then left them out to dry

Why Bad People Can Look Attractive

People tend to confuse signals of character with signals that have little to do with it.

Bad people can look good because they high-value men traits, because they make us feel good, or because they provide some value to us.

The traits are:

• Attractive: it’s not necessarily an issue to use beauty to one’s advantage. It’s about how they do it. Facilitation of success, manipulation and cutting corners?
  Also, look at morality. Is beauty used a “casting couch” shortcut?
  • Focus: how much attention goes to appearance?
  • Lifestyle: using beauty only, or brains and other skills?
  • Associations: do they surround themselves with fans, family or longtime friends?
  • Goals: use it only to benefit themselves or to help others? 
• Powerful
  • Focus: Self-service or serving others?
  • Lifestyle: Ruler or role model?
  • Associations: Peers or protégés?
  • Goals: Empowerment or exploitation?
• Credible, which the author seems to equate to “status”
  • Focus: Financial shareholders or community stakeholders?
  • Lifestyle: Lavish perks or corporate philanthropy?
  • Associations: Elitist segregation or engaged cooperation?
  • Goals: World peace or political re-election? 
• Attentive
  • Focus: 
  • Lifestyle: frequent networker, or just you?
  • Associations: a history of intense, but short relationships?
  • Goals: Do you have something the person needs?
• Affirming
  • Focus: the less they need from you, the more likely their affirmation is authentic.
  • Lifestyle: a selfless lifestyle lends credibility
  • Associations: 
  • Goals:  does their affirmation facilitate their success, or yours?
• Similar
  • Focus: interests are better indicators than appearance.
  • Lifestyle: Similar lifestyles predict relational success more than profession or income
  • Associations:
  • Goals:
• Familiar: beware of familiarity, it often only make you trust someone more, while you have no real added information to judge them
  • Focus:
  • Lifestyle:
  • Associations:
  • Goals:
• Exciting, where the author describes thrill-seeking personalities
  • Focus: Well-adjusted adrenaline junkies also focus on work, family, and safety.
  • Lifestyle: do they live for sensation seeking?
  • Associations: antisocial risk takers prefer solo sensation seeking.
  • Goals: Long-term goals distinguish well-rounded thrill seekers from those chasing endorphin fixes 
• Forbidden
  • Focus: Is focus on the thrill of sneaking around? do they spend time with you in public?
  • Lifestyle: is a clandestine lifestyle part of the attraction? If your relationship became legitimate, would you still be interested?
  • Associations: Would you fit in with your partner’s peer group and vice versa? Would you be with your partner in public?
  • Goals: is a normal committed relationship in the cards? When? 
• Dangerous the author here shares her experience and expertise with various law enforcers
  • Focus: Protecting or intimidating?
  • Lifestyle:
  • Associations:
  • Goals: Solving crime or seeking status? 

Know Your (Emotional) Needs

The author says that the theory of social exchange holds that we’re attracted to those who make us feel good.

And she’s perfectly right.

That is all the more true when they tap into emotional needs: 

Everyone has emotional needs and desires they depend on others to fulfill (…)
People are often oblivious about their own emotional needs
(…) Practiced manipulators, on the other hand, know what you need before you do. 
(…) When you are aware of your own emotional needs, you are better able to spot manipulators before you become emotionally addicted.

Also read our emotional manipulation.

Including the ones that are harder to admit

For example, “needing a partner” and not having been successful finding one:

The perception that a person is running out of time to find a partner can cause attentive suitors to look very good—a perception that stems from desperation rather than desirability. Clever con artists looking for women with resources to exploit are able to spot this desperation faster than a drug-sniffing dog can find cocaine. 

Or relishing admiration while having nobody that looks up to you:

While Brittany is impatient with most of the senior center clients, she begins to treat Harold like a king. Her newfound interest in his military service makes Harold feel a renewed sense of significance, after many years spent feeling invisible. (…)
One day she suggests to (…) visit his house to see his collection of medals and military photos
(…)
Harold’s house is burglarized one day (…)

I bet you can guess who was the culprit.

And learn to spot other people’s emotional needs

And if you learn to that authentically, all the more power to you:

When you can detect and authentically fulfill the emotional needs and desires of other people, you become the narcotic. Genuinely enhancing the lives of others in this fashion will improve the satisfaction of all your relationships. You will strengthen your marriage, empower your children with the self-esteem they need to flourish, and build stronger friendships and relationships in every aspect of your life. 

Remember: They Always Come When You’re Neediest

Some of the most heartbreaking cases of emotional exploitation involve people who are lonely or have lost a loved one, who believe they have met a like-minded partner who understands what they are going through, 

Some takers purposefully frequent groups of needy men and women:

Affinity groups, whether mobilized around politics, religion, or other shared beliefs, also appeal to psychopaths because of the shared trust among group members—which facilitates the ability to perpetrate fraud.52 Religious affinity groups are particularly vulnerable to the wiles of psychopathic fraudsters due to their acceptance of members from all walks of life and their belief in forgiveness. 

Many People Are Too Naive & Trusting

much to my dismay, the witness who bonds the most with the jury is the defendant.
He begins crying during his testimony as he describes his difficult childhood. I am expecting the jury to recognize his performance (…) look over to see several of the jurors crying with him

Be Wary of Identity Claims, Look at “Behavioral Residue”

Identity claims are the signs people want you to see.

Slogans they repeat, pictures they use in their shared environments, books they place on their bookshelves, etc.

Behavioral residue instead includes everything about them, that was not specifically intended for “PR efforts”.

Be Careful of Fake Signals: Status & Similarity

Says the author in a brilliant analysis we also share on Power University:

Status is sometimes just a perception.
(…)One example involves arrogant people.
Displays of pride lead some people to believe that a person with a high self-view also has high status (Horberg et al., 2013).
This is true when (…) a person reacts to a positive event with pride instead of gratitude—causing people to believe the person is more likely a company boss than an employee.34 

And on similarity:

Our attraction to similar others is not based on actual similarity, but on perceived similarity.29 And sadly, similarity can be faked. 

Higher Value = Bigger Target

This is something we often said here on TPM:

Powerful, influential, wealthy people are potential victims in the eyes of someone like Helen, who seeks to exploit their resources for personal gain. 

See an example:

Dark narcissist: (leeches onto celebrities and social climbs on them)

Looks For Flags of Power-Hunger & Narcissism

On power:

watch for a focus on environmental control, including both situations and people

And look at the depth of their associations:

Look for superficial associations, because regardless of how strong psychopaths come on, they don’t bond
(…)
narcissists use associations to fuel their self-esteem. They date supermodels, hang out with high-status friends (…)
Narcissists like to show off and impress other people. They use relationship partners as trophies in order to make themselves look good. 

Women: Beware of Mistaking Strength For Abusive

This part should be mandatory in women’s dating education:

Some of these men make wonderful husbands who defend and protect their family.
Others end up with their actions summarized in a domestic violence police report on my desk.
What makes the difference?
The desire of some women to be cared for and protected leads them to place undue emphasis on the value of dangerous qualities, while downplaying darker personality traits.

The example that follows is enlightening.
I can’t paste it all here to respect the author, so I invite you to get the full book.
But I will definitely mention it in the next upgrade of Seduction University.

Important twist now.
While some women hate those abusers and know they made a mistake, some are OK with it:

I have observed this dynamic for years (…)
Intimate relationships present a mix of love and aggression (…)
relational aggression does not always result in relational dissatisfaction. (…) a significant percentage of recipients of aggression interpret it as evidence of the perpetrator’s love.

In a way, abusers who say that women are OK with abuse… May not be always wrong -emphasis on “always!-.

The signs of how bad looks good in relationships

Golden list and signs:

• Possessive looks protective
• Controlling looks comforting
• Aggressive looks assertive
• Violent looks passionate
• Rude looks direct
• Condescending looks confident
• Paranoid looks careful

Also read our article on paranoid jealousy.

MORE WISDOM

Narcissists are most attractive

Of the three Dark Triad personality traits, narcissists are perceived as most attractive (Rauthmann and Kolar, 2013)
(…) due to their flashy appearance, superficial charm, and self-assuredness. This is particularly true with narcissists who have an entitlement mentality, are manipulative, and seek to exploit others (Back et al., 2010)

You may cut corners if others like you

Something we said often here.

No, reputation is not necessarily the cornerstone of your power, as a popular book on laws of power says:

(….) a study of the desirability of job applicants who embellished their resumes found that misstating employment dates (…) to cover a period of unemployment had little effect on the way favored applicants were evaluated in terms of ability, trustworthiness, and likability, but negatively impacted the view of less-favored applicants.47 

Lucio: you don’t strictly need reputation when you’re powerful

Making people feel good and loved is a superpower

The author shares several examples of people falling for scammers, abusers and takers who made them feel good and loved.

But this one was the most shocking:

With older children, (…) some admit on the witness stand that the offender was the only person in their lives who paid them any attention—a factor that outweighed (…) the sexual abuse. “Do you still love him today?” I ask. Almost always, the answer is a tearful “Yes.” The mothers of the victims sometimes still love the defendant too, because (…) he was an attentive, caring husband. Even when they know that he molested their own children? Yes. 

Be like those who focus on what you want, not your rivals

Some people focus on rivals.
Others, on what they want.

Albeit this example is more on the negative, we recommend focusing on your goals:

People with an unrestricted sociosexual orientation (seeking sex without emotional commitment) in search of strangers to have sex with focus their attention on physically attractive members of the opposite sex. People worried about competition, on the other hand, focus on attractive same-sex rivals. 

Giving attention works particularly well with narcissists

Continually seeking admiration, narcissists prefer romantic partners who admire them rather than partners who offer intimacy and caring, because admiration increases the narcissist’s self-esteem. 

Be careful with fame: you can become narcissistic

This is true for stars themselves of course:

but one of the risks of being famous, whether on a large scale or small scale, is having “star power” go to your head.
The result?
Celebrity narcissism.
Acquired situational narcissism describes the phenomenon where people in positions of high power, such as celebrities, acquire narcissistic traits by virtue of their position.84 Studies show that celebrities have more narcissistic traits than the general public,85 and female celebrities exhibit more narcissistc traits than their male counterparts.86 

And, even more worrying, for fans:

The general public can be influenced by celebrity narcissism, glamorizing self-indulgent behavior as the new normal, and something to be emulated. For example, one study found that people who watched narcissistic behavior on reality television programs exhibit more narcissistic behavior themselves than people who watched drama.

Too nice guys are not appealing

Not that this is news, but it’s a worthy reminder:

Another explanation is that women are attracted to “bad boys” who are prone to risk taking and exude hard-headedness and confidence.
And confidence is sexy. As are men who behave in ways that demand respect. No one wants a man who is a welcome mat. Guys who are “too nice” are not appealing. 

QUOTES

On the power of charisma to overcome looks:

Portly, short, and losing his hair, one of the men I prosecuted had more girlfriends than you could count. Several of his girlfriends showed up to watch the trial. More of a harem, really. 
Sure, he was overweight. But he camouflaged problem areas with trendy clothing more effectively than a professional model on the runway. Yes, he was short. But he carried himself like John Travolta with a swagger to match. 

On the power of dominance and social power:

As he pranced around the courtroom like a peacock, it was amazing to see how, sure enough, he garnered respect just through his dominant actions and behaviors.
Everyone treated him with deference.
The explanation?
Very simple. Dominance is desirable.
Dominant men are attractive to women.
(…) Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam in A Billion Wicked Thoughts have a chapter entitled “Ladies Prefer Alphas.” 

On people falling for compliments and attention:

Rolling up with his cart, which contains a number of expensive grocery items carefully selected for show, he tells Shelly that she is beautiful, asking if she is a native, or an exotic import, like the fruit she is buying. I can see you rolling your eyes. Give me a break, huh? Except that Shelly, who has never been called beautiful in her life, bought it hook, line, and sinker. 

One being careful around compliments:

“What do you want?” we sometimes joke when someone gives us a big compliment. Actually, that is a very good question. 

On the power of affirmation:

Wow, Ms. Patrick, you really destroyed that witness. You are such a great advocate. I sure hope you go easy on me.” Who do you suppose that compliment came from? Would you believe, the defendant? (…) Although their ulterior motives are crystal clear, much to my dismay, the compliments strike a chord. Even though I know they are insincere. Welcome to the alluring world of affirmation. 

On the charisma of the dark triad (albeit the author doesn’t mention the huge role of Depp’s inherent attractiveness):

Seeking the Scoundrel Why do women swoon over Johnny Depp’s character Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean? Because some women are fascinated with intelligent, ruthless manipulators. Especially when they are handsome and charismatic. 

CONS

Few shades of grey with “us good VS them bad” approach

For example:

Detecting criminals is more challenging than many people think, because…

It may be difficult because some criminals may be normal people.

Sometimes I’d have been more precise with some power-related construct

For example:

When presented with negative feedback, a self-absorbed individual is more likely to respond with “My bad” rather than “I’m sorry.” 

This is GREAT observation.
However, that has more to do with power-hunger than self-absorption.
We call it here “power hoarding”. See some examples in our gaslighting drill-down.

Just a few times I’d have been more careful to reaching certain conclusions

Says the author:

Some drunk drivers are sporting thousand-dollar suits in their mug shots—proving that there is no correlation between a polished appearance and safe driving. 

Patrick displayed great critical thinking skills and wisdom, and this wasn’t representative of her great thinking skills.
Namely, that doesn’t “prove” what she says it proves.
If anything, it only proves there is no 1:1 correlation. But that doesn’t say much.

Sometimes conflates sexual preferences for psychopathy?

The author has strong morals and ethics.

That’s good.
But, as for everything, you can go too far.
And that may lead to some takes that, at times, can feel moralistic.

In Dangerous Liaisons: How to Recognize and Escape from Psychopathic Seduction, Claudia Moscovici describes the progression of psychopathic seduction as illustrated in the movie 9 ½ Weeks, starring Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger, where romantic attention and gifts that make the woman feel special and desirable lure her into a relationship of domination and control.

I’m not sure that’s a sign of psychopathy.

Also, the author talks about a woman’s love story with a racing car driver.
When they had an accident, she talks about “exercising bad judgment”.
I don’t think it was bad judgment. Accidents simply happen. And with the guy, she enjoyed the fun and excitement. Not necessarily bad judgment.

PROS

This is a fantastic book.
Just some of the pros:

Well-sourced WITH great experience

Wendy L. Patrick is a fantastic example of what great content you can produce when you have experience, science, and great critical thinking.

This is also the approach we strive for here at TPM.
See TPM’s epistemological approach.

Great critical thinking

For example:

So if looks can be deceiving and talk is cheap, do actions speak louder than words? Not always. Outward manifestations of good behavior do not necessarily reflect motives.
(…) The only way to tell for sure is to observe the person’s willingness to engage in helping behavior when no one is watching.

When I see this type of thinking I know I can always trust the author more.

REVIEW

Red Flags: How to Spot Frenemies, Underminers, and Toxic People is such a great book.

Kudos to the author, fantastic job.

Red Flags is thorough at all levels of the epistemology chain.
Wendy Patrick sourced, analyzed, and connected all the dots in the data to develop a fantastic framework.
Then, she presents it in a very simple fashion, with lots of real-life examples. And all very practical.

Big thumbs up, highly recommended.

And thanks to Bel in our community for recommending it.

And to end our favorite quote, which also sums up TPM’s credo:

While the world is filled with loyal friends, adoring partners, and compassionate strangers, it also contains enough shrewd manipulators to keep people like me in business for an entire career. Life is easier and much more rewarding when you can tell the good from the bad. 

Wendy L Patrick

Check the best books to read or get this book on Amazon.