Dominance and power are some of the most crucial elements that constitutes dating success.
This article will analyze how dominance and power dynamics affect dating success.
It will introduce different styles of dominance, and show you they translate into dating success.
1. Social Dominance
One video is worth a 1.000 words.
Take a look at this scene from Beautiful Girls, the interaction between Mo and the girl:
He looks down, a typical submissive sign and exactly what women should to in reaction to a dominant man.
What do you think would be his chances of seducing her?
Close to zero.
Because, in that scene, she is the dominant one, and he is the submissive one.
And women don’t sleep with men who submit to them.
Women sleep with women who make them submit.
If the power dynamics of that scene were not immediately clear to you, have a look at these articles:
If you’re also physically stronger, more intelligent, and richer, it’s all great. But the most important trait, is that you must be more dominant.
1.2. Social Pressure
Social pressure is an indicator of social dominance.
Usually, the person who puts social pressure on others is the most dominant one. And the one who acts -or cracks- under social pressure is the subordinate one.
And a man who puts a woman under pressure communicates he is socially in charge.
Look at this scene from the movie The Saint:
His ability to raise and release tension at will communicates “I’m in charge here”.
However, men must be careful with social pressure and only use it strategically.
Some women can be overwhelmed or get scared if you are too intense at the wrong time. If you are unsure, start the interaction with more friendliness and less dominance.
1.3. Social Power Showdowns
Same as for leadership, you can have key social power showdowns that can make or break a relationship.
Since social power is more difficult to spot, sometimes the showdown moment can happen in seemingly innocuous exchanges.
Imagine this dialogue:
Her: You’re so into yourself (with a haughty look, turning away as if to refuse him)
Him: Me? I’m so into myself? (turns to her, gets closer to her to her face, raises his voice but smiling: it’s a friendly counterattack) Look at you, with the slim fit biker leather jacket, (reaches out to her scarf) the Italian scarf, the coiffed hair (touches her hair). Yeah, nice try (pats her head, a “babying power move”)
Her: (lowers her eyes, smiles, she’s happy of the compliments… And for being socially out-powered)
This is similar to an exchange happened to me some time ago, and little later we went back to my place.
I cannot re-run the interaction to test it, but I’m fairly confident this was the biggest turning point on the way to bed.
2. Intellectual Dominance
Intellectual dominance is an underrated, yet crucial aspect of overall dominance.
And sounding articulate is important.
But intellectual dominance is not so much about IQ or about “knowing more”, it’s more about frame control, defending your opinion, showing the flaws in her opinion, and changing her mind.
That’s true intellectual dominance.
3. Physical & Sexual Dominance
Physical dominance is a poorly discussed and highly misunderstood topic.
Physical dominance refers to the whole spectrum of body movement and body contact.
It includes being comfortable with one’s own body, being comfortable with touching, taking up more space, etc.
Sexual dominance is a subset of physical dominance, referring to the last stages of seduction, during sexual escalation and before and during sex.
This section will clarify how physical dominance fits into seduction and power dynamics.
3.2. Consensual Resistance to Sex & Dominance
“Consensual resistance to sex” refers to the woman resisting to sex while also enjoying the process and, in spite of the resistance, being willing, or at least open, to sleep with him.
Consensual resistance to sex is very common.
Sexual resistance serves as an important test of his emotional stability (see: shit tests & sexual market value).
Some men can’t control themselves or get angry when a woman slows them down. And women fear these men.
Experienced and emotionally stable men won’t get angry and will keep a good mood throughout the escalation.
That’s why a man who handles her resistances well does not just get sex, but her heart as well (see Social Power for an example).
3.3. Expressions of Male Sexual Dominance
These are some advanced moves that men can use during escalation:
- Hold her face if she refuses to kiss you until you can give at least a pecker (more advanced)
- Put her hands on your hard penis
- Kiss and grope her overcome by lust, then go back to normal
- Jokingly push her in an horizontal position
- Jokingly drag her towards the bed
- Pick her up to carry her to the bed
- Increase physical intensity to overcome resistance and remove one piece of clothing
- On the bed, pin her hands above her head while you kiss her bosom or remove an item of clothing (more advanced)
Men should be at a good level of emotional intelligence before safely engaging in any of the above.
Remember that all expressions of physical dominance must happen in an overall atmosphere of safety.
She must know and feel that it’s safe.
Here is how to do it well:
3.4. How to Escalate Dominantly, Within A Safe & Collaborative Frame
The best way of physically escalating to sex is to mix physical dominance with:
- Verbal banter / fun conversation
- Signals of kindness and caring
And, most of all:
- Collaborative frames
Yes, again, we go back to the basic strategies of power.
Did you read the article on lovers and providers?
Well, by mixing boldness with kindness and collaborative frames, you get the best of both worlds: the power of the lover, and the kindness of the provider.
See here a real-life example of what it means to combine the two:
“Behind the thirst for sex, you’re a gentleman”. And that’s exactly the mix you want to go for: bold and resolute, while still being an overall gentleman.
As I escalate, this is what you can do to make sure she knows it’s all good:
- Take breaks in between bouts of escalation and lighten the mood (tease or tell a short story)
- Take a break when you see it’s getting too uncomfortable for her (that’s why EI is so important)
- Stop for a second and with serious tone say “hey, I want you to know that you are safe here”. Pause, let it sink in.
- Switch from hard escalation to more cuddly-and caring (ie.: kiss on the forehead, hug, light make out)
- Tell her “I like you” or make fun of yourself to take the edge off
- Turn all competition into cooperation (for example, if she says you’re being aggressive, say “nono, I’m very kind, I just want you to be happy”)
- If she says you are making her feel bad, say “if you say that, you make me feel guilty. I want you to feel good” (and change approach, you’re doing it wrong if you’re making her feel bad!)
If your native language is different than hers, speaking your native tongue is also a great way to lighten the mood.
Sometimes women want to do it but are still battling some mental blocks and need the man to take charge.
So you might tell her:
I am going to pin your hands down now and remove your panties (so that it’s not your fault)
If she says she wants to leave, you can say that she should stay because you’re having a good time.
Say that she can leave at any time, but that you would really like her to stay.
If she really wants to leave, needless to say, you let her go and escort her back.
3.5. When Women Take Physical Charge, Don’t Let Them
It’s rarer, but women sometimes also engage in more purely physical strength games.
She might for example playfully wrestle him.
Or she might take charge of the escalation, for example, move him away from being on top and get herself on top.
Some less experienced men think that’s good and she is leading herself to sex.
But that’s rarely the case.
Women mostly lead to sex with men who played coy all along, but rarely with men who go from leading to lead.
Usually, men should not allow her to prove herself stronger or more strong-willed than he is.
So while he must be careful not to make it seem like he is taking it too seriously, he should always avoid letting her physically dominate him.
I don’t know who started that “woman takes my hand thing”, but I can tell you this: he wasn’t any of the following: driven, powerful, or successful with women
Example of Dominance Battle: The Fight Simulation
If the man takes her up on the challenge sometimes the battle can end up mimicking a fight.
This scene between James Bond and Pussy Galore is a light fight simulation, with the prize being her:
I am not a fan of the dynamics of fight simulation.
To begin with, they come from a frame of confrontation instead of collaboration.
And second, from a power dynamics perspective, it’s a relationship of equals instead of one where the man is clearly in charge -and you should aim for being in charge-.
When Women Tease For Your Sexual Domination
Some women love a tease.
And they also use teasing to prod him into a sexual charge.
The tease subcommunicates that the woman’s refusal is only a facade and that the man should really take charge, barrel through and dominate her.
If the man acts on those signals it often ends in lots of moaning and requests of fucking her hard.
Here is a good example from Five Easy Pieces:
She is he teasing him by walking away -thus forcing him to follow-, then smiling at his outburst, and acting coquette.
She puts on perfume, whose main reason for existence is attracting mates, while confronting him with a power gaze.
Also her words, “I’d like you to leave so I can take a bath” are hinting at the sexual.
But note that when women tease men to dominate them, the power rests with the woman.
Or, at least, she feels in power because she orchestrated the whole thing and he only acted on her cues.
For a man to gain power after the sex, he should act distant, and let her come to him and express more interest and emotional investment.
Otherwise, the power dynamics still see him as chasing for sex and her deciding when to provoke him.
4. Predator-Style Dominance
Physical dominance is also conveyed without any touch at all.
The way you talk, walk, deal with the people around, how you expect her to follow you and, of course, the way you look at her.
This picture is not the greatest gaze example in itself as I was drunk by then.
But compared to a company party where everyone tried to look friendly or silly, flashing toothy smiles and big grins, it stood out.
And notice her reaction:
This is similar to the excitement of what’s sometimes referred to as the “psychopath stare”.
Adelyn Byrch, curator of the website “psychopaths and love”, says that the “psychopath stare” is scary with strangers and outside of seduction but, when she is with her lover and in seductive environments, many women find it extremely arousing (but no, psychopaths aren’t more sexually successful than high-quality men).
Another good example of the predatory-prey dynamic in The Goodfellas.
And yet a better one is in the movie “Seduced and Abandoned”, notice his stare and how she cowers in a corner (even though she likes him):
Her later feelings of guilt and shame are also realistic, and this is the risk of dominance without warmth: she can feel ashamed and cut contact with him (more than once I’ve never heard from a woman after dominant escalation and steamy sex).
5. Sexual Dominance
Dominance leads to bed, but can also continue in bed.
Moving her around, changing positions at will and showing an “animalistic” side when having sex are also signs of dominance which can make many women do-eyed.
Just one rule: if you must be dominant, do it with full conviction.
Half-assing it is sure to backfire:
5.2. Sexually Objectifying Women
Many women enjoy being treated as sexual objects… At the right time and by the right man.
Being overcome by a strong sexual urge, turning her around, bending her over a piece of furniture and entering her as soon as she enters your place, for example, can be extremely arousing.
Waking up at night and start fucking her can also be extremely arousing.
Some women will become much more mellow and submissive after you dominantly penetrate them in one of the above ways early in the relationship.
This is a convo after that type of raw sexual aggression:
P.S.: don’t count on women to actually see you again after a wild sexual romp outside of a relationship.
It’s quite common instead, that they will want to forget you.
Emotions are fleeting, and the wilder they swing upwards, the more they’re liable to go the opposite direction.
Case in point: this same lady who “felt unreal” came back to Berlin… And we didn’t even meet.
Dominance and Pathology: A Warning
Dominance is dominance.
Per se, it’s not good or bad.
But dome individuals who seek dominance and power over others can be pathological.
This is important, as I have been asked more than once “how to find and date dominant men“.
Not all dominant men are pathological of course, but almost all dark triad individuals seek power, dominand and control.
Relationships with pathological men often turn toxic, abusive, or both.
Worst even, many psychopaths feel at the most powerful when they can ruin and harm their partners (M.E. Thomas, 2013). That goes beyond being selfish and enters the real of gratuitous harm and sadism.
Yes, we live in a world where evil does exist.
Some psychopaths also seek to use sex, and sexual perversion, as a way to entrap and control their victims (read more in Dating Power Dynamics).
If you see these tendencies in yourself, it’s good if you stop and re-assess. You can’t change psychopathy, but you do can become less of a narcissist.
If you see these tendencies in your partner, cut off contact.
Is Learning Dating Power Dynamics Antisocial?
Sandra Brown, author of “Women Who Love Psychopaths” says that any man looking into seduction advice is by its very nature high in psychopathy traits.
Shocker: I don’t fully disagree.
There is plenty of people who want to learn seduction -including dating coaches- who are high in dark triad traits (see Mystery or even Casanova).
But I also disagree, in large part.
Many individuals learn seduction advice because they are driven men and women, looking to do more, be more, and maximize their potential.
And that’s not psychopathic.
6. Romantic Dominance
Surprised to read this one?
This might be the most bonding, best memory-making type of dominance you can ever have.
Taking her hand to walk on a beautiful bridge, stopping her to admire the view and then passionately kissing her like there was no tomorrow is an example of romantic dominance.
Many women remember the first kiss more than the first sexual encounter.
A well-executed “dominantly romantic move” is sure to make her swoon and leave an everlasting memory.
An example from SATC:
Her: So corny (she’s afraid of the romance)
Him: No. It’s classy (imposing his frame, positive dominance)
The fact he’s mentioning his parents only turbocharges the romance: it alludes at a life together, with family and children.
Romantic dominance requires the man to stay in the leadership role, and leading smoothly in and out of the romance. That makes the difference between memorable or corny.
7. Provider Dominance
High level of providing is also an aspect of dominance.
Some authos mistake “providing” for less sexual, less dominant men (beta males).
This is a wrong approach because its focuses on average and below-average men instead of looking at the whole spectrum.
So let’s look at the whole spectrum and let’s take the two extremes to see the difference:
- Low status provider: breaks his back on low paying jobs to cater to her every whim.
He provides not because he wants, but because he fears she will leave.
After much pursuing, she allows him to be with her. And he keeps breaking his back for the rest of his life, trying to make his queen happy.
Dominant alpha provider: he swats her hand away when she chips in 10 dollars for the tip on a 450 bill while saying with a smile “oh don’t be silly, save those to buy your boyfriend a trinket“.
He drives her home on a Ferrari, where the music starts as they walk in. He prepares two cocktails with top shelf liquors and then proceeds to fuck her.
Afterwards, he stays busy with his own. He can have many women, but he likes her. So they keep in touch.
She starts falling for him, and wants to rope him in for a relationship. He consents. She is overjoyed she is with such a catch. He is also happy they are together.
8. Parental-Figure Dominance
Dominance can also be conveyed with a parental, guiding figure that provides a feeling of protection and safety.
It would be a mistake to think that it’s just women with “father’s issue” who fall for it, or that it only happens with big age gaps.
Many women, and many men as well, are prone to be hooked by a parental figure.
And there is little more dominant than a father figure.
“You Lil’ Girl” Seduction Style
Many women enjoy being treated like “little girls” in the right place and from the right man.
James Bond in this scene has an attitude of “you lil’ girl”:
That slap communicates “now go you silly lil’ girl and let the men speak”
There are important caveats to use this style, as it’s only appropriate at the right time, at the right place, and from the right man.
More details in the course and ebook.
To date successfully, men must be more dominant and socially powerful than women.
There are many ways to convey power and dominance, and this article showed you 8 different ways to become more dominant and successful.
All these eight types of dominance can be used in healthy and mutually beneficial ways -just limit the predator one to sexual environments-.