The 5 Basic Power Levers to Win At Dating

pie chart of the domains of dating power dynamics

In this article, you’re going to learn the fundamental of dating power dynamics.

Dating power dynamics are crucial for men because women want men who are “more” than they are.
And the “more” he is, the more attracted she is.
Women at best settle for men whom they feel are at their own same level.

Luckily, this article will teach how to date effectively, like a high-value, high-power man.

Let’s start:

Intro

First, familiarize yourself with other basic principles of dating power dynamics:

Each entry below is about dating power dynamics.

Imagine one of them on a continuum in which you either give away power (lose power), or receive power (gain power).

The left side of the continuums -chasing, investing, showing interest, qualifying, warmth- are low power.
And the right side -being chased, receiving investment, aloofness, screening, power- are high power.

Let’s dive in:

1. Chasing VS (Being Chased)

chart of chasing vs being chased in dating

Generally speaking:

You don’t want to chase, and while you want women to chase you, it’s usually better to give something back.

This is not out of ethics, but because many women will self-reject if they give and get nothing back -plus, chasing without getting anything is win-lose and many high-value women don’t stay in win-lose for too long-.

Generally speaking:

  • You maximize relationships closer to the middle
  • You maximize dating being chased, and giving back by rewarding her and/or moving things forward

Dating Strategy

  • Avoid chasing far more than she does, because that’s disempowering and unattractive (negative balance of power)
  • Ideally, make her chase more than you do(positive balance of power)
  • But strive for a certain balance and focus on escalating rather than making her chase as much as possible, or she will self-reject and move on

Signs of Chasing

Signs of chasing are:

  1. Approaching
  2. Talking more
  3. Making an effort to keep the conversation going
  4. Writing longer texts
  5. Writing more often
  6. Professing one’s interest
  7. Complimenting
  8. Proposing to meet

These are all part of standard dating.
And someone must take the first step and invite out for dating to even exist. So some chasing is normal and OK. But it’s when chasing becomes too much or too imbalanced that dating becomes ineffective and she loses interest.

In large part, dating effectively is about walking that line of moving things forward without chasing.
If you move things forward whenever she’s investing and contributing, you’re automatically balanced, and you’re golden.

Good Game = Moving Forward, Without Chasing

As most people know, it’s men who most often court.

So it’s OK for men to take first-steps such as approaching, texting first, inviting her out etc. etc.
Game is all about is moving things forward, without giving too much power away.
All of Seduction University is dedicated to moving things forward, without chasing.

So let’s focus on a less known dynamic: when women chase.

Because it’s men who usually chase, when women chase it’s often a big deal for them.
Generally speaking, it’s a good thing.
However, you must also give something back or move forward if you’re interested, because otherwise many women will stop chasing and investing.

Let’s see an example:

Real-Life Example: Over-Chased & No Action = You Lose Her

Being chased generally means being in the power position.

So the more you get chased, the more power you have.
However… remember the basic laws of dating: dating power is use or lose.
So if you don’t move forward or give back to increase the bond, you will eventually lose her.

This is an example of a woman chasing:

text example of chasing power dynamics

Signs of chasing:

  1. Writes 3 texts in a row
  2. Writes at 3 different times before she even got an answer
  3. Compliments me
  4. Provides unrequested information about herself (seeks to start a dialogue)

Being chased is obviously great news.
BUT you cannot sit on this and do nothing.
Because remember: chasing is a sign of interest.
And since women don’t chase too often, when a woman chases she sub-communicates “I’m really interested”. If the man does not give back, the woman will eventually write him off –self-reject-.
Because, for her, it doesn’t matter how high-value a man is unless that man is available to her.

We talk about becoming high-quality here because it’s crucial to effective dating.
But as you become high quality and more women chase, you also need to make sure you make that value available.

This is why we say that “balanced dating is effective dating”: being chased hard without giving anything feels like the apex of power, but it often ends up nowhere that involves sex or intimacy.

Case in point, guess what happened with the lady in the message above?
She kept writing and I forgot to reply for a couple of days. And… She self-rejected, and blocked me:

text example of self-rejection (or auto-rejection)

That happened because I accrued too much power vis-a-vis her.
But because she chased and I gave nothing, my power wasn’t value-giving, it was value-taking.
And that likely made her feel bad about herself: bad for even having given that much to me, only be given a cold shoulder.

In our “straight line seduction chart”, this interaction would look like this:

overpowering in straight line seduction chart
I started off lower power because I approached her. But that quickly turned out over-powering both in person and, even more, when she invested and chased that much via text and I didn’t move forward and/or invest as much back.

So as a general rule, if you’re being chased you want to turn it a bit more into “mutual chasing”.
Not going overboard, still maintain that power, but you want to avoid her chasing and you giving nothing and doing nothing.
If she says you’re attractive, you say “we both are”, or “thanks, you also seem cool, let’s find a time for some food or drinks one of these days”.

Same goes if you have a lot of value or power compared to her.
You want to pull her up to your level lest she’ll think you are “too much” for her, and she will self-reject.

2. Investing (VS Getting Investment)

Investing means:

To expend effort to meet, stay in touch, or give value to make someone’s life better off.

There is overlap among all the power levers, so investing is also part of chasing.
When you invest a lot while getting little back, you’re chasing.
And when she invests a lot while you give back little, she’s chasing.

And the same rule applies:

Dating Strategy

  1. Avoid investing far more than she does, because that’s disempowering and unattractive (negative balance of power)
  2. Ideally, make her invest slightly more than you do(positive balance of power)
  3. … But strive for a certain balance and once you start getting investment, use it to escalate things forward

Let’s seen an example:

Real-Life Example: Green Lights Are Right & Obligation

This is a golden rule of dating:

Whenever you’re getting investment, it’s a green light to escalate.

There are many levels of escalations, so it’s not only necessarily physical escalation.
But you want to move things forward in a way that the two of you grow closer.

Women only invest in men they’re interested in, so a woman investing is a big green light.
And remember: green lights are both an opportunity to move, and an obligation to move!

As per social exchange, you can even think of it in financial terms: high-value women who invest want to see a return on their investment. If you don’t remunerate their investment they’ll eventually take their assets to a better asset manager.

To clarify what “investment” looks like and you to act on it, here’s an example:

She was warm and investing in person.
Plus, more of the same in texting.
This is a green light.

Because she’s investing, you have all the power you need now, no need for games.
So after her picture, I’m thinking “great, this is a hot lead, strike while it’s hot and move forward”.
So I ask something I can reward her on, I find a commonality to make it smooth, and I propose to meet. And, as expected, she agrees.
If there was no commonality, I might have simply said “Cool! Let’s find a time to meet next week, what do you say”. And because she was investing, it would have likely worked as well.
Had I “slept on it” like in the previous example, this would have quickly fizzled out.

If you’re in person “escalating on investment” might mean you move her somewhere else to sit, to another location, or to your place.
And if you prefer setting up dates, you propose to meet again and exchange contacts.

3. Showing Interest (VS Getting Interest)

continuum of showing VS hiding interest

Interest means:

To have or show romantic or sexual interest towards someone

We’re more concerned with showing here, of course.
And, again, the same basic strategies apply:

Dating Strategy

  1. Avoid showing far mor interest than she does, because that’s disempowering and loses attraction (negative balance of power)
  2. Seek to get slightly more interest than you show, because that’s empowering and attractive (positive balance of power)
  3. … But strive for a certain balance and once you get engouh “indicators of interest”, focus on escalating

Plus:

  • If you’re a beginner, do show some sexual or romantic interest: beginners are less able to create a “man-to-woman” vibe with their nonverbals, so they better make their interest more explicit or they risk the friend zone

Conditional Interest

When showing interest, showing it as conditional is superior.

Conditional interest means that you’re interested in her IF some conditions are met or if she says or does something you like.

Conditional interest sub-communicates that you have standards.
And standards are a sign of options, and high-value.

Some examples of conditional interest:

  • She’s attractive, but you also want to make sure she’s smart
  • She’s happy and bubbly, but you want to make sure she’s GF material (or sexually open, whatever it is you prefer)
  • She’s attractive, but you also want to make sure she’s not relying on looks alone and she has her life together

A condition we also recommend here is:

  • I must like her, but she also must like me: A surprisingly large number of men don’t realize that if she’s not giving back, they’re better off with some other woman

Conditional interest can be employed with screening and qualifying.

Screening is how you communicate your conditional interest, and rewarding is how you make sure that she knows you have standards, and that she passed them (more on it in Seduction University).

Let’s review now a real-life example.

Real-Life Example: When To Be Unavailable

This is how availability power dynamics work:

The more available you are, the more it means she’s a high priority for you (high interest).
The less available you are, the more she’s a lower priority for you (low interest).

Our advice is to avoid being too available early on, even when she’s investing.
She invests because she sees you as high(er) value.
But too high availability can quickly take you from power-up in, to power-down and chasing.
It’s because most women don’t make a man they’ve just met a top priority.
So, as per golden balance, you want to do the same. Making a woman you’ve just met a top priority signals lower value -and that’s an attraction killer.

See an example with the same woman from above:

dating power dynamics text example

See: even with an interested woman, you still have to take care of basic power dynamics.

Had I said “OK, let me know”, I’d have subordinated myself to her schedule and been too disempowered -and killed any attraction-.
Yes, I took a small risk, but it was a case of “risk or die”. You can still be strategic about risks though. I picked Thursday because she said “once a week”. And since we met on Thursday, Wednesday/Thursday/Friday was around the time she’d be back.

Again: balanced dating is most effective.
IF she is making herself fully available for you, there is no need for games.
If this woman was being fully available, I wouldn’t have needed to provide such a strong “either-or”.

4. Qualifying Yourself (VS Screening)

Generally speaking:

When you qualify you’re proving yourself and chasing.
And when you screen you have power and control.

Dating Strategy

  1. Avoid proving yourself to her, it’s disempowering and loses attraction (negative balance of power)
  2. Screen her and make her prove to you, because that’s empowering and attractive (positive balance of power)
  3. … But reward her when she passes your screens or qualifies herslef and, as usual, focus on escalating

Real-Life Example: Qualifying Power Dynamics

This is a perfect exchange to show the dynamics of screening and qualifying.
Starting from the very first message (in her profile she says she loves cats):

dating power dynamics online dating example

Let’s analyze the dynamics here:

She starts with a screen and challenging question.
If I say “no” I badly miss her screen and the interaction might die before even starting. I don’t want that.
But I also don’t want to over-qualify -that would disempower me too heavily and kill any attraction-. So rather than saying “yes” I imply that I like cats.
Plus, I also “take my qualification away” saying that I don’t want a cat in my flat -a slight risk, but well worth it to maintain both self-respect, respect and attraction-.

In my answer I also indirectly display high value: I got a mission and no time for cats.
Notice the Machiavellian-strategic approach: I frame it as also a question of ethics -something I believe in: cats weren’t born to stay in flats-.
Now it’s not “I don’t like cats in my flat”, it’s me being both busy, and caring for animals’ well-being.

But still, even with good strategies, I’m still explaining myself and writing a lot more, which is a lot of investment.
I’m still down in power.

I need to do is to turn it back on her and make her invest as well, which I do right away.

And then she starts qualifying.

However, this is a perfect example to again prove the validity of the golden balance construct.
While you don’t want to over-qualify, it’s fishy when someone does it to you. A balance is not only effective dating, but it’s often also healthy dating.

Look what she does:

flipping dating power dynamics example

There are some important red flags of over-qualification -why does she need to say so early that people look up to her?-.
And equally worrying: such a long message! Why all that effort and investment?

Why would a woman, in online dating, a place where they usually have a lot of power, invest and qualify THIS much?
It’s possible of course a woman found you exquisitely unique -some exceptions always apply-. But I started wondering about her -and turns out, I was right: it was a red flag-.

The same happens to women when men over-invest, but times ten.

So, generally speaking, when a woman screens you you want to qualify just enough not to break rapport, AND turn it around smoothly -see Seduction University for “smoothly”-.

Hoops: The Extreme Version of “Screening”

Hoops are extreme versions of screening.

And “jumping through hoops” is the extreme version of qualifying.

When you jump through hoops you lose massive amount of power -and attraction-.
One single jump through a hoop might be enough to turn you into a simp.

We have an example in one of the dating articles for women on what NOT to do:

dating power move example

“Impress me”, LOL :).
I hadn’t started TPM back then, but you don’t even need TPM with such obvious (nasty) power moves.

P.S.:
For the record, my answer wasn’t effective if I wanted to date her.
But after that power move, I wasn’t into dating her anymore.

5. Power & Warmth (VS Power OR Warmth)

The pick-up literature calls this dichotomy “value – comfort”.

Here at TPM we apply a similar, science-based concept to all socialization.
And we call it “power and warmth“.

It works like this:

  • Power = she sees you as “more than her” -smarter, stronger, more dominant, more emotionally grounded, etc. etc., and she is attracted -but might still not follow you!-
  • Warmth = she trusts you, feels comfortable, feels similar, feels appreciated -she is also ready and willing to be seduced, alone, and intimate with you-

Too much warmth without any power at all and you’re a doormat.
Women aren’t exactly attracted to doormats.

Too much power without warmth though and she might resist her own attraction. High-power women can feel like being intimate is disempowering, like a personal loss.
More feminine women are “wary” about you, don’t like you, or don’t see a future with you.
And since many women are risk-averse, many will not go home with you -or will not come out to meet you-.

Example:

power and warmth in dating example

Look how much she’s investing.
But she was “scared” to meet me. Ultimately, her fears got the best of her and she didn’t come out.
You might underestimate the importance of warmth because they think like men. And they don’t get enough warnings. Women won’t tell you “I’m worried”, they simply won’t come out or won’t reply.

The other issue with high-power and low-warmth is that high-power with low-warmth leads to confrontational dating.
High power with low warmth more easily translates into over-powering dominance.
Women righteously perceive it as being win-lose and many, especially the more strong-willed ones, will push back against it.

There are real-life examples in Seduction University.

High power with low warmth is still better than low power.
But it would be harder for you to date any risk-averse women. And you don’t necessarily want to end up with a string of risk-takers. Especially not if you’re looking for girlfriend material. Because there is an overlap between risk-takers and “easy”, “cheating“, “sleep around women” :).

But the two together, and she’s attracted to you, and feels good with you.
She generally just likes you -a lot-.

Calibrating Power & Warmth

Generally speaking, be warmer:

  • In cold approaches
  • If you’re intimidating
  • In places where women are more risk-averse
  • Calibrate: be warmer if she seems scared, shy, or uncomofortable

Be higher power if:

  • You come across as a nice guy
  • You’re targeting party girls
  • You’re targeting very high power, confident, or successful women
  • Calibrate: be higher power if she’s leading, touching you, being “nice” but not compliant

Kind VS Rude

Rudeness is one way to demonstrate both disinterest and power.

The game of rudeness is:

I’m rude because I’m not interested in you, and because I’m powerful enough that I can allow myself to have you as an emeny

The reason why some men are attracted to the “asshole strategy” is because of the power it entails -and the power trip-.

There are times and places for rude.
For example, with rude women. However, generally speaking, you can do better than rude & asshole.

The “asshole game” also easily ends up in the “disempowering red zone” of our straight-line seduction model.

SUMMARY

This post showed you the basics of dating power dynamics.

Generally speaking, women LOVE higher-power men who make them chase, invest, and follow their lead.

That’s why we advice for a positive balance of power.

However, as we’ve seen, you don’t want to overdo it because:

  1. It’s more effective to use power, then to hoard it: think of dating power as fuel. You can hoard fuel, but unless you use it, it weighs you down. Plus, it’s a fire hazard. Use it to race forward, instead.
  2. High level of power imbalance turn win-lose: let that imbalance grow even larger, and it turns toxic. And at that point, only broken women stay (and the highest quality ones bail)

The best mindset and approach is to:

  1. Become a high-value man woment want to invest in
  2. Date high power
  3. Use that power for win-win, and move the interaction forward

You know you’re at the elite level when your way to repay her investment is to move forwards towards intimacy.

This is a preview from Seduction University, where you will find concrete techniques + full system to succeed

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