Soulmate Sequence is a dating book for men. Richard la Ruina, the author, teaches readers how to socialize more effectively, including how to expand one’s network of friends, develop stronger relationships, persuade people, and meet “the one”.
About the Author: Richard La Ruina started teaching seduction right after it went mainstream in the US following Neil Strauss’ book “The Game“. La Ruina’s company, “PUA Training”, went on to dominate the UK market.
The man who wrote “Soulmate Sequence”, though, is in a new stage of life, says Richard himself. Not anymore going out every night meeting new women and honing techniques, but more focused on his relationship as a married man.
Empathy and Unwavering Integrity Are The Foundations
Says La Ruina:
Most magnetic people draw their power to influence others by genuinely operating from a place of empathy and unwavering integrity
Think of Who You Like, Then Go to The Places Where They Hang Out
Think of the kind of girls you like.
Then, go to the places where they are most likely to hang out.
Don’t just talk to women though, meet anyone. That’s how you build a social circle that will also naturally introduce to more potential partners.
Don’t Be Afraid of the Friend-Zone
Richard La Ruina says that not only you shouldn’t be afraid of the friend zone, but you should actively put more people -and women- in the friend zone.
The wider your network expands, the more options you will have to meet someone who eventually is going to be more of your friend.
The advantages of making friend with a beautiful woman who’s not open to dating:
- You can meet their friends and enlarge your circle (slow game)
- The more you spend time together, the more likely it is that some feelings will start developing
- Maybe they’re taken now, or closed off to new relationships, but that might change later -and you will only know if you stay in touch-
- Going slow sometimes is safer than going from stranger to lover (I agree, also read “lovers VS providers“)
This is advice I agree with.
Being afraid of the friend zone is defensive and it’s what scared men with a thin skin do.
To Influence People, Avoid Competitive Frames
“Soulmate Sequence” goes much wider than dating and relationships, also including being a better persuader and influencer.
Here are some of the bits I liked most:
- Tell people how to act, not how not to act
- Instead of saying “you’re so unlucky”, say “you’re not the luckiest person on earth”
- Instead of saying “when are you going back to work”, ask “how many more days of holiday do you have”
- Instead of “you’ve lost the match because”, say “you haven’t succeeded this time, but here what we can do better”
And make sure that you don’t use those negative forms in your own life and in your own self-talk.
Learn more in:
And read here how I turned a competitive frame into a collaborative relationship.
To Converse Properly, Ask A Question, Then Add Your Comment
The best way of killing a conversation is by asking lots of questions in a row.
Instead, you want to use this format:
- Ask a question (listen, step into their shoes, imagine what it feels like)
- Comment on what they said (use a statement first, based on what they said made you feel or think of)
- Then ask one more question to probe deeper (keep the focus on them)
- Add one more comment (and reward them, if they invested a lot)
- Let them keep going on the subject they love
You: what do you do
Her: fashion designer
You: cool, I can imagine it must be interesting creating new clothes and helping shape the new trends. Do you like it?
Her: yeah, I love it
You: awesome, it’s great when you do something you love. What do you love most about it
You also want to avoid the most common conversational mistakes:
- Not listening
- Preparing your next question in advance
- Don’t go off a tangent about how what they said only relates to you and never ask a question back
To Never Run Out of Things to Say, Be In The Moment
Awkward silences can derail your conversations.
This is what happens when you run out of things to say:
- Dive too deeply into the details (when you ask where do they work, and for long, you get too specific and have less in common about those details)
- Ask lots of questions that only elicit short responses (and it feels like an interview without connection)
Richard La Ruina recommends you use more statements, and then end your statements with an open-ended question.
You: what do you in your free time
Her: I do yoga
You: cool, I think it’s great when people make physical activities that are not just about moving, but also involve your mind. Why do you do it, to stay in shape?
Her: actually, no, it helps you stay in shape, but I just love how it makes me feel
You: oh really, it sounds like something that is really adding a lot in your life. It makes me want to try. Tell me more
Says La Ruina:
Connecting with another human means you go deeper, and know more about their life than the bare facts you can check on their online profile. Bare facts don’t build any basis for true connection.
When, how much, and “how long” only litter the talk with extra, unimportant details.
Instead, think emotions. That’s the basis for true connection.
Think of yourself as an explorer, exploring the uncharted territory of this person’s character.
How to Help People Self-Express
Do you know the feeling you get when someone lets you talk about your deepest passions and feelings?
That’s what you want to have people experience with you.
This is what La Ruina recommends to reach that hook point:
- The best way of getting into a good subject is to:
- Stick around popular topics such as work, passions, hobbies, travels, etc. until you see the other person’s eyes light up
- Answer their question and ask them back about the same topic, since people ask about what they like and want to talk about
- Now it’s time to delve deeper: use statements and add more questions to accelerate their self-expression
- They will likely ask you questions, but make sure you stay on the topic they want to express about
How to Approach Women
- Always leave women feeling better than you found them: that gives you a huge advantage in decreasing your anxiety, because you know that if worse comes to worst, you made her feel good
- Do not have big goals about the interaction: you’re just having a conversation
- Remind yourself of the pain of a missed opportunity
- Always have something great to say: this will be your fallback plan so that you know that you can just walk towards her and, at worst, use that one
Sexualize the Conversation
If you’re interested in dating and relationships, then it’s a good idea to sexualize the conversation.
Some tips La Ruina shares:
- Say someone in the room is truly gorgeous
- Talk about attractive celebrities
- You can preface sexual topics by saying “a friend of mine says…”
Also read here an example:
Women: Strategically Drop Games & Use Disarming Honesty
I often talked about the dangers of over-gaming for women.
And I’m glad Richard La Ruina is one of the few to confirm why strategically dropping games can embolden men to chase more.
She apologized and said she couldn’t get the message until then, and she was so happy to hear from me.
I was amazed: a beautiful girl, who wasn’t playing games.
She was happy to hear from me, and she said so: refreshing and very positive.
Most of all:
- Avoid nasty games: these games drive good men away
Start Relationships With Relationship-Worthy Tests, Not With A Bang
Most people try to frontload their value, present their best selves, and have the best possible in the beginning of the relationship.
Much better instead is to experiment with the typical environments you will be sharing during relationships: long trips together, and spending time in less stimulating environments with less distractions.
How to Network: Give First
To expand your social circle:
- Present yourself as a giver, not a taker
- Offer to buy them a drink, even if their drink is full
- If you’re asking for something or want to talk to them, invite them out for lunch, or tell them you can pick them up at the airport
You can’t connect with everyone, but by giving first, you can connect with people who are “one level up” above you.
I couldn’t agree more.
To Change Someone’s Mind: Never Set Up “Me VS You” Frames
If you want to change someone’s mind, avoid making a “my point VS your point” battle, or you will encounter resistance and push backs.
- Ask them to elaborate their point
- Ask questions (but not “why”, as if to say “are you crazy”)
- Keep your tone neutral
- Validate their position and reflect it back to them (ie: I also thought that way for a long time)
- Then say “I’ve read a lot on the subject and… ” or “today my position is that.. “. Make your point in a friendly way
- If they disagree, give them space to talk
- Say that “yeah, sure, I understand that… ” and then re-link to your opinion
What’s Richard La Ruina is recommending here is what I call “frame negotiation”.
- Frame control examples and techniques
- The basic strategies for power (for collaborative frames)
- Smart collaboration strategy: on why collaboration trumps defection
Another great technique to change people’s minds is to make them curious about your point of view.
Talking about how an action, a product, or an opinion is working great for you, which will lead them to ask questions. As Greene says in “The 48 Laws of Power“: make people come to you.
- Find an actor or role model you like, and mimic him
- You want to ask important questions early, like if they want kids, but without sounding like you’re coming on too strong. You can do it by mentioning a quick story about kids, then asking if they like kids
- If they ask you, respond directly. Say you’ll be ready soon for kids, but not with anyone, it has to be the right person
- When you share something impressive, say it with a flat neutral tonality, without looking for positive reactions. That way, you communicate that it’s just one of the many cool things about you and that there is much more like that
- If you’re not exclusive, don’t be afraid of saying you’re going on dates. Say that you’re single and want to maximize your chances of meeting that special one
- If someone shares something cool about them that you don’t have, don’t diminish or defend yourself for not having the same. Just compliment them
- The rule of thumb is that the higher your status, the less you should smile
- High quality men do lots of activities, so never live a life where you answer the question “what did you do” with “nothing much”
- In dating, don’t compliment on physical appearances, but wait until you get to know them more deeply so you can deliver a more personalized compliment
- If you’re an introvert, you have some advantages and disadvantages. Add one or two extrovert qualities to deliver in bursts, then you can settle down with the people who better vibe with you
- Don’t sit in front of each other, but sit side by side
On the key to social success:
The key to all success in all social interactions, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, come back to making other human beings feel good.
In a selfish world, the person who lives by this credo will stand out and, perhaps ironically, will prosper greatly.
Bragging is essentially a way of boasting “I am inadequate”
I loved the book.
These are just a few blemishes:
- Kissing on the first date: I don’t agree
Richard La Ruina says by all means kiss on the first date, or invite her to go watch a movie.
I don’t agree with the kissing part -I’m more in line with Alpha Male Strategies here-.
Some of his tips for the first kiss were good, but I didn’t like some others.
- Sometimes a bit “fake”?
I understand Richard La Ruina studied and perfected his persona and movements to appear as he wanted to appear.
I believe that, up to a certain point, that’s all good.
However, I gotta wonder: if all you do is working on looking how you want to be, where is the genuine you?
Because that can come across, too -something Kezia Noble commented on, as well-.
So when he advises you to sit down and think through what the relatives of your partner would like to see in you, I didn’t agree much.
It felt too fake, and convoluted.
I’d instead walk in to meet them while being myself, and if they like me, great. If not, well…
Richard La Ruina Review
I think Richard La Ruina has a very good understanding of people, psychology, and social dynamics.
He is a bit more on the “softer kind”, more about frame negotiations than about Red Pill style of “alpha male frame imposing”.
And I tend to agree with that for the simple reason that it’s more effective. With the caveat that you CAN be stronger when needed, being like water works better than being only dominant.
Maybe Richard La Ruina’s style might come across as a bit unnatural (fake?) if you overdo it.
The social chameleon style is powerful.
But with the emphasis on making others feel good, emulating those whom you wish to become, and doing what’s effective instead of what you feel like, you might end up behaving far off from what you feel like and from who you are.
That’s the only red flag I’d raise. Sometimes, you are better off served by acting more as you please, and finding those who better vibe with your attitude.
Otherwise, La Ruina is a very good guy to learn from.
And “Soulmate Sequence” contains top-notch information, and I learned a few more things from it.
He ends the book by saying that, happy to be in a long-term relationship, he’ll make it work.
And we wish him all the best with that.