The Madonna-Whore complex is the tendency of some men to categorize women as either pious Madonnas, or as “too easy to bed”, oversexed whores.

Most men, to varying degrees, inherited the Madonna-whore complex.
And is has a much bigger impact on our lives, dating, and psychology than most people imagine.

In this article, we review where it comes from, what is it, why it exists, and what it means to you.

It’s often the same woman that different men, in different environments, categorize as “Madonna” or “wh*re”

The Science

Freud said that the Madonna-whore complex arises from the male bonding with his mother, and other theories posit that it’s a cold and distant mother that leads to males’ Madonna-whore complex.

Neither theories are well-supported.

Instead, evolutionary psychology suggests it’s part of evolved psychological preferences to maximize reproductive fitness and paternity.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean it’s adaptive, or good for you.
As for most things, there is probably an ‘optimum balance’ of effectiveness within which the complex is adapative, but turns maladaptive at the extremes.

Furthermore, we contend here, unless it’s well contextual and calibrated, it’s also generally not good for your relationships.
As Richard Dawkins suggested, selfish genes don’t care about how you feel.

It Has Something To Do With Conservatism

Many believe the dichotomy is a conservative thing.

And… That is part of it.
More than economical conservatism though it’s about traditional values and “male parental investment”.

Studies showed that men who invest in women are more jealous.
And, we can speculate, demand and prefer more “pious” women.

However, albeit conservatism may have something to do it with, it’s not the full story.

And liberal men are not immune to the dichotomy.
They’re just less visible, because:

1. Conservatives are more open about it
2. Liberals may hide it more
3. Players don’t care because they won’t marry her anyway

Furthermore, women who attack men on the basis of the Madonna-whore complex often do so by defining men as “conservatives” or “backward”.
And that further pushes liberal men to hide and suppress their Madonna-whore tendencies.

However, when push comes to shove, you can rest assured: most men, including liberals and womanizers, prefer to marry the least sexually experienced woman.

Here is an example from Ted, a character in the series How I Met Your Mother who is otherwise portrayed as liberal and rather open-minded:

Ted: But even if I meet the girl of my dreams right this second, I’m still one night and nine months away from having a family of my own. And that’s assuming the mother of my children is a huge slut.

Ted is falling for the Madonna-whore trap.
Because a woman might want to have sex with him quickly, he labels her as a “huge slut”.
A bit harsh, isn’t it -and a bit low confidence in his own qualities, too-?

And Ted Mosby is portrayed as a rather liberal guy in that show.

Why is it that even libertines who deny Madonna-whore with words still obey it in practice?
It’s because of evolutionary psychology.

Let’s finally dig into it.

It Has All To Do With Biology

The Madona-whore is not really complex per se.

Being able to judge women on their openness to sex posed great advantages for our male ancestors.
I paraphrase Robert Wright:

The Madonna-Whore Dichotomy is based on the idea that if women do differ in terms of the likelihood of cheating and sleeping around, then it makes sense for men to divide them into Madonnas and whores.

And it makes sense for men to spread their genes sleeping with whores while they marry and invest in the Madonna who will never cheat on them

Robert Wright, “The Moral Animal“

That’s why it makes sense for men to gauge how open to sex women really are.
Men who could accurately assess women’s “easiness” -or “readiness- to get down to sex, were more able to:

• Impregnate the whores -quicker to bed and who required less courtship and investment-
• Marry the Madonna -who will not squander their life investment with a bastard child-

We can speculate that those men who capitalized on their Madonna-whore complex maximized their investment per child and left behind more offspring.
Those offspring were also more likely to inherit the Madonna-whore complex.
And that’s why we still have it today. It’s a complex that yes makes relationships less enjoyable and which yes places a yoke on women, but which was been effective in passing on more genes. And as we already: genes don’t care much for feelings.

Basically, the Madonna-whore complex is an inborn system for men that makes evolutionary sense.

Now the big question is: do women really differ on the imaginary continuum from Madonna to whore? And if it (possibly) served us so well during evolution, is it still useful today?

Are There Madonnas & Whores?

If Madonna-whore thinking evolved in men does it mean that women do indeed differ in their tendencies towards Madonna –feminine and nurturing- and whore -serial sexual seekers-?

In our articles on why people cheat and how to find a loyal partner we share countless studies showing that women differ in their inclinations to cheat (and the same is true for men of course).

In that sense, dividing women into “Madonna” (ie.: not cheating) and “whores” does make sense for men.

Writes evolutionary psychology researcher David Buss:

Loyalty is important to men because it helps them ensure paternity. And the single best predictor of extramarital sex is premarital sexual promiscuity. 
People who have many sex partners before marriage tend to be more unfaithful than those who have few sex partners before marriage.

After all, let’s not hide behind PC here: it’s pretty obvious that there are “safer” women and there are more dangerous women when it comes to cheating, swindling, and running behind their men’s backs –and some women even write books on how to do it-.

However, that is not to say that “safe” or “not safe” women are necessarily all that different when it comes to their attitudes toward sex and family life.
Indeed, dividing “Madonnas” from “whores” is an oversimplification and a form of black-and-white thinking.

And the reality, as usual, is more varied.
Sure, there are some women who are not interested in sex at all and there are women with little nurturing feelings, but most women simply present both sides.

Madonna-Whore Continuum

This is a case in which a continuum might be more confusing than value-adding.
Indeed there are virtually no women who crave sex and have zero interest in a great relationship, plus zero interest in a family.
And there are virtually no women who are crazy about child-rearing and relationships but have zero interest in sex.
In a nutshell: the Madonna-whore dichotomy as two separate categories without overlap is bogus because most women are a mix of both.

However, if we had to consider the net result of the two different tendencies, then most women will cluster slightly more on the relationship-nurturing side -at least as compared to men-.
Here is the chart as compared to men, who also rarely present extremes of “100% whore”:

Men Should Discriminate

While I exhort readers not to be judgmental, I also encourage them to be discriminating.

Discriminating for everything: friends, business partners, and… Intimate partners.

People differ, and so do women.
There are low-quality women and high-quality women.

And there are many signals that tell you whether a woman is more likely to be faithful or not:

• Traits of a loyal girlfriend

Somebody said that the most important investment you make in life is the person you choose to marry.
And I couldn’t agree more.

However, here is the clincher: the Madonna-whore dichotomy isn’t the best tool to discriminate women.

Keep on reading…

But Men Should Also Drop The Dichotomy

While I exhort men to discriminate for long-term partners, I recommend men drop the Madonna-whore in dating.

It’s not the best tool to choose a great woman, and it’s terrible for dating effectiveness.

Here is why:

Why It’s Poor for Discriminating

People are more similar than different, and that’s true for women as well.

Sure, certain types of women are more likely to cheat and sleep around.
And some types of women, together with certain specific traits, are more conducive to a safer, more loyal girlfriend.

But the Madonna-whore as a dichotomy rather than a continuum is unhelpful because most women have both sexual urges and nurturing feelings at the same time and the two are not mutually exclusive.

That means that if you find a woman with a high sex drive, it says little about her qualities as a mother or partner.
And the other way around is true: a submissive woman who is rather asexual and inexperienced doesn’t necessarily make for a great wife, mother, or long-term partner.

Why It’s Poor for Dating

A man who approaches dating with a Madonna-whore mindset will expect women to:

• make him wait for sex
• make him chase
• make him invest

And he will get exactly that.
You often get what you expect, in life -and especially so in dating-.

Indeed women are wonderful when it comes to adapting, and if he is probing for Madonna qualities, chances are that she will be a Madonna for him -ie.: play him-.
The best way to learn how she really is instead is by (pretending) to completely drop the Madonna-whore.

Actually, it’s even better to play up her whore side: that’s the technique of going the lover way and you get to know her sexual side quite quickly.
Here is an example from my text flirting article:

Why It’s Poor for Relationships

When the woman is forced to enact a Madonna role, she must hide her more sexual side and pretend to be someone she’s not.

He will never get to know the real her and she will never get to be her real self.
A real bond and connection are impossible when people wear such thick masks of course, and that’s, in my opinion, a life tragedy.

As an ex-girlfriend of mine told me, one of the reasons she really liked me was:

I can really be myself with you

Lucio’s ex GF

Be the guy who allows her to be herself: drop -or tune way down- the Madonna-whore complex.

At the extreme, the dichotomy becomes so strong that men cannot have sex with their wives.
Then, it becomes a pathology.

Why Women Hate the Madonna Whore Complex

Women hate the Madonna whore complex.

And, in part, it’s for good reason: it places a huge yoke on them to act more like Madonnas while they have to hide their more sexual and aggressive side.

Look at this example from Sex And The City:

Charlotte: Or maybe I do. I don’t know what I want. But I’m afraid if I don’t, you’ll dump me. And if I do, then I’ll be the up-the-butt girl. And I don’t want to be the up-the-butt girl, because I mean… Men don’t marry the up-the-butt girl. Whoever heard of Mrs. Up-The-Butt? No, no, no. I can’t. I want children and nice bedding, and I just can’t handle this right now.

Charlotte would like to try it, but she is afraid that she will think of him as “the whore”, and not get serious with her.
In simple words, Charlotte is worried about what the Madonna-whore complex means to her -and she might be right.-

So, yes, it’s understandable that women feel caged -and judged– by a nonsense male instinct like the Madonna-whore complex -it’s their complex, after all, what faults does a poor gal who enjoys sex have?-.

However, some women who take up arms against the complex sometimes fail to understand the actual reasons behind it and use it as a tool to shame men.
Take this example from an article on the first Google page for “Madonna-whore complex”, blaming the “patriarchy”:

If you allow me, it’s a rather typical feminist approach to focus on power and power dynamics while missing out on the true biological reasons for certain behaviors.

… But Still Obey It

In spite of many women resent the male Madonna-whore complex, they still abide by it.

And still seek to come across as Madonas thus, indirectly, confirming the existence of the Madonna-whore dichotomy (and contributing to keeping it alive in men’s minds).

See an example here:

What It Means to Women’s Dating

Sadly for women, many men hold a too-strong Madonna-whore dichotomy.

That means that, in some cases, women will be forced to choose between a relationship with a man who sees her as a binary “angelic” or “evil” or no relationship at all.
Women who show their Madonna side and hide their whorish one will do much better with the following types of men:

• Men who invest a lot (believe in old chivalry ideals)
• Chase a lot (believes in fixed roles)
• Are proudly conservative (conservatives wear more masks)
• Are very religious (most religions see sex as sinful)
• Younger (tend to idealize women more)
• Less experienced
• Less educated

Whether or not it’s worth it to pursue a relationship with a man big on Madonna-whore, it’s up to her.

SUMMARY

The Madonna-whore complex is men’s tendency to categorize women as either “wife material” -the Madonna- or as “sex material” -the whore-.

Albeit some men deny it, almost everybody acts and thinks based on the dichotomy.

I’s generally a good thing to be discerning about women’s faithfulness and nurturing skills.

However, the complex is also a limiting belief that oversimplifies reality and makes men less effective at dating and relationships.
Most women have a component of both Madonnas and whores.

But since most men will not move beyond the dichotomy, most women would do well dating with the dichotomy in mind.