The first time he escalates towards sex is a very emotional, intense moment for him.
He is putting all of himself -no, not just his penis, really all of himself- on the line.
When you turn him down the wrong way it’s like telling him “I don’t like you, I don’t want you”. And that can easily make or break the relationship.
It’s indeed entirely possible that two people can like each other and still end things acrimoniously over a poorly executed sexual rejection -or sexual delay-.
This article will teach you how to turn down sex in two steps:
First, we analyze how women turn down sex the wrong way;
Second, we’ll show how you can delay sex effectively
Keep this in mind:
It’s easy to crush a man’s ego with a rejection: Brene Brown pinpointed “initiating sex” as one the most vulnerable moments in men’s lives. That included men in relationships, and it’s all the truer when there is no relationship yet.
Imagine the following scenario with a new budding relationship:
You’re in a private location -for the first time-: You think this could lead to something physical. You’re not sure about it, but you’re excited and a bit nervous.
He makes a move: He goes to kiss you. But it’s a bit too soon. You need some more time, or you don’t want to seem too easy
You reject him – the wrong way: You pushed him away, or you physically move away as if he was a rabid dog.
He’s hurt: Of course you didn’t mean it that way, but he feels spurned and hurt
Now it’s weird: he is dejected, the conversation sputters. You fumble something, you hope he can make it good again. But nobody is sure what to do or say. Oooops.
Things turn sour: the discomfort grows larger. You want out of this.
When you leave, you’re glad your out.
And yet…
Yet, he seemed a great guy up until then.
What happened?
The Psychology Of Bad Sex Rejection
Now granted, he might have been an actual, real weirdo.
But.. Are you really sure he was?
He wasn’t a weirdo at all until then. He was a cool guy. Why is he only a weirdo now?
We remember the peaks, what happens last and what’s most emotional. A bad move from his side and a bad rejection from your side end the interaction on a terrible emotional low.
And that’s all it takes for an otherwise great guy to be passed up and for a high-potential relationship to end.
I’ll come out of the woodwork and say it: I have come across as a weirdo after a few failed escalations in the past. And some other woman said I was the best man they’ve ever met.
How is that possible?
The difference was all in the rejection and what happened afterward. Yes, it takes that little.
Now, we’re going to learn how to avoid this scenario.
4 Bad Ways Women Reject Sex
Do you want to hear a (not so) funny thing?
I was checking what were the most common search terms for this article. In the top 10 there was this one here:
Her: I rejected him now he rejects me
Now I will show you exactly what those women have done wrong.
Here are four common ways that women sexually reject men the wrong way:
1. “I Don’t Want You” Rejections
MOST rejections fall under this category.
When you reject him you are not communicating your full range of feelings.
You are not saying “I like you, but not yet, I just need some more time”. You are only communicating the negative part, the “I don’t want you, go away”.
And that can be painful, and he can have difficulties recovering from there.
If you like him but need more time your rejection should communicate that. Your rejection must deflect the physical escalation while also communicating your positive feelings.
2. “You Have To Respect Me” Rejection
Some women reject sex by demanding to “be respected”.
How dare he come off so strongly, or so quickly? I’m a lady!
The “respect me” line self-frames her as saintly (see Madonna/whore) and as the relationship leader who dictates the tempo.
It works well with less experienced men as they’ll gobble it up and keep investing in the woman. It works very poorly with higher-quality men who don’t appreciate the power move.
You go haughty queen with that move, but only peasants will stick around.
Basically, it works well with the guys you don’t want and works poorly with the men you most want. Guys worth their salt know that the best way to respect a woman is to bond emotionally, have great physical chemistry, and make her come. And then bond a bit more after that.
They know the best relationships are based on honest communication and entail great chemistry.
When you tell him to respect you, you are communicating the opposite. This is what he will hear:
Spite check refers to a chess player who prolongs the game just to irritate the other player.
Some women unwittingly irritate him with spite-check delay tactics.
Women’s way of slowing down and defusing sexual tension is to talk and ask questions.
“Spite check questions” include:
Why?
But why?
Why do you have X in your room?
But why do you want to make love to me?
But why do you want to take my pants off?
The goal of these questions is to make him talk and frustrate the sexual mood.
And that’s exactly the problem with spite check questions: they frustrate him -and destroy the mood-.
Experienced guys of course know better than to reply to those questions. But even for them, “spite check questions” ruin the mood.
Spite check questioning sends a negative message both about you and him.
About you, it makes you come across as slightly childish, unnecessarily nervous, indecisive, and potentially also frigid. By frustrating the sexual mood, they communicate that you might not be very much into sex, and not very much into him. And he might feel like you don’t like him.
Ideally, if you’ve reached that point, you should know whether or not he’s a guy you’re comfortable getting together with. And you should be at least somewhat attracted to him.
Personally, when I’m on the fence about a woman and she seeks to stall me with spite check conversation, I start getting turned off.
If I like the woman I can find it endearing -up to a certain point-. But that doesn’t mean I don’t pass some judgment based on it -namely, that she’s a bit of a big baby-. In either case, she never comes across as a high-quality woman.
4. “You’re Not Getting Any” Rejection
Some women love to see men horny about them.
And up until here, all great. The problem starts with some women who, instead of getting themselves in the mood… They prefer teasing him and going on a sexual power trip.
Some will say things such as:
“Hmmm you’re so horny, aren’t you” (talking as if they weren’t horny at all)
“I like to see men
“You can call a hooker when I leave”
“You look a bit serious, are you angry you’re not going to get what you want?”
These women like to have power over men. They prefer having power over men instead of actually enjoying sex and the sexual mood.
This sexual power trip can be very delusional. Especially for men who actually have options. Personally, few things turn me off as quickly as a woman who talks as she were the ultimate dispenser of pleasure in this world.
And sure, I’m particularly sensitive to power dynamics, but this technique is poor even for the most undiscerning man.
Why?
Well, think about it. The problem with this technique is that it’s sexually confrontational. This technique says “you want me, I don’t want you… And I am happy to see you suffer”.
Who on earth might want to have a relationship with a woman like that? It’s not a high-quality man, for sure.
How Not to Delay Sex: Example
The messages below come from the worst sex-delaying attempt I have ever experienced.
This was the poster child of doing it all wrong.
This is how she behaved during our intimate time:
During the date, she seems bored and irritable
When I say I like her and imply she feels the same, she vehemently denies it (first rejection before we even reach sexual escalation)
She was taller and during the escalation she repeats “how small I am” (allow me a clarification: was not talking about my penis 🙂
To keep her pretense of disinterest she finally dresses to leave while she really wanted to stay
I am fed up with her and don’t play the game of “stay a bit longer” anymore: I gladly walk her out
Once away, she realizes her mistake and since she actually likes me, writes me to negotiate her come back (now she looks needy and desperate)
She walks back in with the same haughty and distant attitude, undresses and lays on the bed
We do it and she shows no passion
Finally, she falls in love after she managed to fully estrange me
Can you see how each step compounded the mistake?
The difference here is that the man knew what he was doing, and that attracted her. She didn’t know what she was doing and pushed him emotionally away.
Result: he doesn’t want to see her again and she fell in love.
This is an extreme example of course, but many women do at least some of those same mistakes.
Bad Rejections Only Get You The Players!
Now you might think:
Wait a second Lucio, it’s a good thing to be harsh so I only get the coolest guys!
Some guys indeed will disregard your rejection, no matter how you slice it. They’ll take a step back, talk a bit more, chill a bit more, pour one more drink. And then go for it again.
That’s what happened in the example above, after all.
But if you only end up with those guys, then you’re screening in players and fuckboys.
Those are the guys who’ve been there a hundred times and know how to make up for the women’s mistakes. But if you want a serious relationship, then you can’t hold only onto the womanizers.
And Turn Away The Good Guys!
About the guys who are not male whores?
Those are the guys who’ll most likely feel hurt by poor rejections.
They might recover with a bit of time, but the minutes after a failed move are the heaviest. And the heaviness of that situation often doesn’t afford him the luxury of time. It’s often over before you two even had a chance.
And it only gets worse when he’s really into you. You see, the more he is into you, the more your rejection will destroy him.
It might be this guy was just a bit too touchy. Or he was just too into you. And he’d otherwise be a great guy. But you’ll never know when you turn him down the wrong way.
Because when you reject too strongly you filter in the players and you filter out the guys really interested in you!
What’s a gal to do then?
The end of this article answers that.
How to Delay Sex Properly
Do you like him?
If you do but you need more time -or want to resist a little bit-, you must slow things down while also showing that you like him.
A few techniques to do exactly just that:
1. The Hug Tackle
A great technique to delay sex and a win-win for everyone.
As he escalates sexually, you deflect moving towards a cuddly hug instead.
If you also rest your head on his shoulder, he might feel like you’re in need of emotional support. That will also help to awaken his protector feelings, bringing him emotionally closer to you.
Whether you rest your head on him or not, it’s best done all in silence, no words spoken.
The hug tackle switches from sexual to emotional. It slows down the tempo while at the same time increasing your bonding.
Great technique!
2. Fire First, Water Soon After
As he kisses you, kiss him back, touch him or pant a bit.
Then all of a sudden, stop and push him back. Don’t verbalize it, but the feeling you want to convey is this:
You: It’s hot, but I’m a lady and need time, that’s why I must resist.
It’s a bit like she does, but you will stop far sooner (and without giving in):
This works great because you communicate at the same time:
You do like him (which men love) +
Albeit you like him, you also don’t want to be easy (which men love for long-term girlfriends)
That’s the perfect combo.
HOWEVER you must be careful with this one and stop very early, else you end up frustrating him sexually. He might slot you as a game player or a tease and hate you for it. Plus, a small percentage of men might even turn aggressive.
So… Watch out for this one and, in doubt, avoid it.
Or use it for when you’re ready to go all the way. See here:
Note: YouTube removed it because of the (slight) nudity in the video.
Please see “Seduction University” with the full version of this article.
4. Only Go To His Place When You’re Ready
Many a great connection died on the altar of a failed sexual escalation.
In my experience going to someone’s place and escalating without getting to sex almost always spells doom for the relationship.
If you like him but you’re also sure and positive you don’t want to get physical I recommend you simply avoid being at your place or at his place.
As they say, an ounce of prevention…
Responsibility For Dating Failures
This article is to help women (and men) increase their chances of finding the right partner.
It’s not about pointing fingers.
But since men traditionally have the “leader’s role” in seduction, we could argue most of the “blame” rests on men.
But no man is flawless. And even the amazing ones, they’re not amazing all the times.
I’m pretty sure many a woman missed a relationship with Clooney or Pitt because some woman rejected them poorly. I’m pretty sure some women left these guys in disdain.
This is dating.
And ironically, the more you care and the bigger the feelings, the easier it is to derail. Sometimes a small pebble at a key intersection can derail a train that was on course to beautiful destinations.
By knowing what the most common issues and pitfalls are, you can give your own contribution to make sure you give your and your favorite men the best possible shot.
This post helps you help men to run things smoothly.
Summary
If we had to summarize this guide on how to turn a man down in two sentences, it would be these:
If you want to delay sex, make sure you protect his ego: show that you like him, personally and physically. You just need a bit more time and you’ll get there together
If you want a relationship, reframe from sex to romance and add emotional bond: with the techniques -and video- shown above
The author holds a master's degree from La Sapienza, department of communication and sociological research, and is a member of the American Psychology Association (APA).
He studies psychology, persuasion, social & dating strategies, and anything related to people and power dynamics.
Lucio's approach combines science, first-hand experience & critical analysis.
He believes that you can only teach social strategies if the three go together.
You can learn it all in one fell swoop with Power University.
