Are you interested in ways to make him invest in you?
You found the right article.
And it will drastically change the way you look at men investing in you.
How Does A Man Invest In A Woman
First of all, a quick overview of what “investing in a woman” actually means.
We define investing in a woman as:
Any act of caring or adding value to her life and well being that requires the expenditure of effort, time, or resources.
Sounds too abstract and theoretical?
OK, here are some simple examples:
- He initiates calls/texts and always replies
- He picks her up / drives her back
- He listens and asks questions
- He is protective
- He offers to help
- He seeks to impress or look good
- Any act where he inconveniences himself to help and support her
As you can see, investing is mostly good.
Even better, investing in each other is what develops great relationships!
Mutual investing might indeed be the single most important indicator of a great relationship.
But one partner investing a lot in the other without equal investment back…?
Not so great, as we shall see (and not good for your dating effectiveness, either).
Typical Dating Advice On Making Him Invest
Let’s quickly review the female dating literature.
Most authors of female dating advice say that the goal of dating is to make him invest in you as much as possible.
It’s a common mantra in:
So far, so good.
The bad news is that some of these authors spread the idea that best of all is to get a lot while giving back as little as possible.
Why He Should Invest Much More
The idea of making him invest as much as possible is that:
- You weed out the non-serious guys (players etc.)
- You’ll be in control and won’t fall for him too soon
- He will like you more
And for the most part, these are all true.
Why It Makes Sense (on paper)
These are the advantages of typical dating advice on making men invest in you:
- You Weed Out Players & Low Investment Guys
Generally, you don’t want men who invest very little because they don’t make for great relationship partners -and the same is true for women-.
And as a rule of thumb, fuckboys and womanizers tend to invest less.
So it might be true that pushing for him to invest more could weed out the players.
However, as we shall see, it also weeds out more discerning and experienced men who are simply not OK with being “pushed” into more and more investment.
- You Will Not Fall In Love
We tend to like less what’s very available (Cialdini), so investing little while receiving lots will “safeguard” your feelings indeed.
This is only good if you don’t want to fall in love, though.
- He Will Like You More
Studies show that givers feel more committed to the recipient after giving (Horan & Booth-Butterfield, 2010).
This is probably partially because of sunk costs (Coleman, 2009) and back rationalization (Eagleman, 2011).
But in a nutshell, it’s true: the more one gives to you, the more he values you.
There are exceptions (especially in difficult markets, read The Eligible Bachelor Paradox), but overall the theory does make sense.
But now, the big question:
Who does it work with?
The Drawback of Making Him Invest
Social relationships can be seen as big exchange markets.
And the Law of Social Exchange postulates that good relationships tend to reach a balance of value -who you are- and investment -what you do for the other-.
One corollary of the social exchange theory is that when one side has some major lack in overall value, he must make it up with “external value injections”.
Investing is indeed a way of making up for a lack of value.
So when you make him invest a lot, this is what the relationship looks like from a purely exchange-driven model:
Now, can you start seeing why “forcing him to invest a lot can be an issue?
As for anything people-related, there are exceptions of course, but, as a rule of thumb: the men who are OK with investing in you without an equal amount back are the ones who are not good enough for you!
Yes: it’s mostly men who feel they’re not good enough for you that will over-invest.
When they cannot bring enough value with who they are, then they throw on the table different kinds of extra services, such as:
- Wining and dining
- Carrying bags
- Fixing stuff
- Ready at your beck and call
- Emotional tamponing
On average, men who invest a lot tend to be less experienced, less valuable, and lower-quality types of providers (see: providers and lovers).
In short, they often don’t know any better.
Here’s an example that always cracks me up:
When he says “I thought I did everything right”, he refers to investing a lot.
Cooler Guys Seek ROI
ROI is a financial term that means “return on investment”.
And it applies to dating as well.
We all have an internal system of value exchange, and we all seek to keep it balanced.
What does that mean to you?
It means that men who are around your same value or higher are unlikely to invest a lot without requiring equal amounts back.
This is what it looks like with bar charts:
These guys will invest the first time and then… And then they will expect you to do the same. They might not be aware of it consciously, but unconsciously they expect something back (unless they read ThePowerMoves, in which case they will consciously expect it :).
And when they see nothing coming from you, they will feel something is off.
And what will happen if you keep following the typical dating advice and expect even more without giving?
Bruce Bryan of Never Chase Men Again hits the nail on the head when he says that men with a backbone will flee very soon if you demand without giving.
Indeed those guys will think you’re an entitled woman, with big demands and little to show for it. That’s a big trait of socially clueless women and low quality women.
That’s why I highly recommend you don’t seek to make him invest without giving equally back.
Because a high-quality man might be very happy to date you… Unless you start demanding and expecting over-investment, in which case you are driving the very best men away.
Power Move Tip:
Strategically, you can differentiate between men.
You might for example seek investment from the clueless ones who are blind to the imbalance.
While you can seek a balance with the cooler and smarter ones.
Making Him Invest: The Right Way
What’s the alternative then?
The alternative is reciprocal investment escalation.
Let him do the first step, and make sure you reward him and make him feel good, which will encourage more giving.
Give something too, which will reassure him you’re in it as a contributor as well.
And the virtuous cycle of mutual investment will start feeding on itself.
Not only this attitude of reciprocal investment will foster more and more giving, but research shows that partners’ inequitable relationships are happier and last longer (Equity Theory of Love).
See here a chart bar example of how a woman can lock in a higher quality man (starting from the bottom):
Let’s now dig deeper into how you can get into a great relationship with the mutual investment virtuous cycle.
Reciprocal Investment Blueprint
#1. – First meeting:
- He: buys you a drink
- You: thank him and get to know him
#2. – First date:
- He: invites you out and pays for dinner
- You: thank him. At the end of the date warmly hug him, look him in the eyes and tell him you’re happy you two met
#3. – Second date:
- He: invite you to some event
- You: you offer him a round of drinks and toast him to such a nice company (building him up)
# 4. – Third date:
- He: invites you somewhere or to a home-cooked meal
- You: bring him a gift with little money value but that says “I thought about you”
That’s how you show him you’re a keeper.
That’s a woman he feels he can rely on for life, which is indeed a major trait all the male authors highlighted in women’s dating books.
Emotional investment is a subset of overall investment, but it’s the most important.
Bruce Bryan recommends you open up first and show your vulnerability.
If he shows nothing, it’s not a good sign: he might be an emotionally unavailable man or an avoidant attachment type.
If he does he replies with his own emotional investment (ie.: opens up, listens, asks more questions, increases intimacy, etc.) he’s a keeper.
I like the idea of making the first move and gauging the reaction.
But whoever makes the first major overture, the pattern is the same: one step each.
Building the tower of a great relationship is a common effort. One brick at a time, one brick each.
The advice in most dating books for women is that you must make him invest as much as possible, while you invest as little as possible.
Then, he’ll pursue you and want you.
While that might be true, I explain in this post that mostly works for the least outstanding of men.
And while you do want him to give, you should always take warmly, make him feel about giving, and give back as well.
Keep escalating in lockstep towards mutual investment and commitment until you step together to the alter (if that’s what you want).
Why you shouldn’t use sex as a bargaining chip.