Models is a dating advice book for men, with some general self-development in the mix. Mark Manson takes readers on a journey of personal and mental transformation to help men become higher value, date better, and become better men in general.
Takeaways
- The 3 traits of success: honesty, communication skills, and a good lifestyle
- Vulnerability is key for honest communication <— TPM Note: Careful, it requires calibration, or it can signal weakness
- Learn to deal with your sexual and social anxieties
Notes
About the Author:
Mark Manson is a former dating coach who turned self-help author and penned several books in a “bro philosopher” style, including “The Art of Not Giving a Fuck“.
Pick-Up Artists Make You Look Phony
Mark Manson says that a lot of pick-up artist advice makes you look and act like a phony.
It hit him the hardest when an ex-girlfriend of his told him to “act normal”.
He says there’s a striking lack of solid relationships among PUAs because they’re all about gimmicks and not about deeper human connections.
So, according to Manson, careful with:
Forget Gimmicks, Acquire the Basics
Manson says many variables impact what women find attractive but ultimately, he seems to suggest that women want men with status and power.
TPM Note: Not wrong, but requires nuances
See sexual market value for an overview
Get Rid of Emotional Neediness
Mark Manson says that your attraction is inversely proportional to your level of neediness.
His definition of neediness is being more invested in what people think of you than in what you think of yourself.
In dating, it means that you should be less willing to alter your thoughts, feelings, and motivations compared to the woman. He calls the three of them “investments”.
He says it’s impossible to be completely uninvested, but you should be less invested than she is.
TPM Note: This is a good reading of dating power dynamics,
And it largely comes down to power. See Emerson, 1962. Over-investment also signals lower value, see social investment dynamics.
Most men reveal neediness in seemingly innocuous ways, but women perceive it at a subconscious level, which we generally agree with.
This is why sub-communication is crucial.
⚠️ Become More Vulnerable
Manson says that vulnerability is the opposite of neediness, and it’s the path to true and deep human connection.
He says that to become more vulnerable you need to become more attuned to your emotions and learn to express them without inhibition and without being afraid people will like you less.
My Note: careful with vulnerability
He’s not wrong, but it requires calibration because, often, too much vulnerability is worse than too little. Read Vulnerability is Not Power.
Vulnerably own your desire: be upfront about your interest
The author says showing desire is a paradox in that it’s vulnerable, but also a bit needy and lowers your status.
PUA (pick-up artists) look for tactics and tricks to pursue her without showing attraction.
But that only works in the short term, he says.
Vulnerability “short-circuits” that issue. As men become comfortable with being vulnerable, they don’t behave in a needy way. And desire shown without neediness is attractive.
The vulnerable man, being honest and upfront about his desire, encourages women to do the same.
My Note: pursuing without over-showing attraction is a valid approach if done properly
Work On The Three Fundamentals of Attraction
Mark Manson says the three fundamentals of attraction are:
- Attractive lifestyle (honest living): doing what you love in life instead of living by other people’s values.
- Integrated personality (honest action): Overcoming fears and anxieties and taking action on your desire
- Communicate your intentions (honest communication): Speak your mind, without subterfuge
Basically, it means becoming a higher-value man, an honorable man, and dating genuinely.
1. HONEST LIVING
For ‘attractive lifestyle,’ Manson talks about living the life you truly wish to live. And he tackles some of the foundations of attractiveness, including:
- Style
- Fitness
- Confident Body Language
- Vocal Tonality
They’re all primer so I suggest you delve deeper into that stuff separately. Here are some resources on body language:
Money Matters, But It’s Not All
Money, looks, and success matter, but matter less than most people think, says the author. Behavior is what he stresses.
We generally agree, while also stressing that, in truth, what matters most depends on context and on a man’s specific circumstances.
See here a science-informed overview:
Lucio: Behavior matters most for long-term, while looks are most helpful for short-term
TPM Note: Beautiful women are favored by any men, not just insecure ones
The author suggests that beautiful women are prizes for insecure men. We partially agree, and add that it’s especially narcissists who prefer them. However, this is also a generalization and a power move because every man prefers a more attractive woman.
Also, read:
2. HONEST ACTION
The author says that the needier you are, the more anxiety you have. And he claims that anxiety stems from our unwillingness to be vulnerable.
TPM Note: It’s an interesting take, but also a wild generalization
And anxiety can stem from different causes.
Embrace Your Fear
Mark Manson recommends that you do not try to suppress your fear but embrace it.
Incremental high-volume exposures are better than facing extreme scenarios.
And that means starting small with something you can bear. Then do a lot of it and build up from there.
Ultimately, fear will never go away but it changes shape and won’t affect your sense of worth anymore.
TPM Note: this is a far better take and approach to deal with social anxiety
3. HONEST COMMUNICATION
Mark Manson says that connecting deeply is more powerful than any technique you could ever use. That is the key to being charming or charismatic.
We agree that building an emotional connection is what makes the difference, though we find Manson’s advice could be made more strategic and effective:
- Become aware of your emotions and motivations
- Share them (will create trust) <— TPM Note: sharing only works after you’ve already built an empowered mind, so that you signal value instead of weakness
- She will share in return
Instead of saying things like “oh I like that too”, tell why you like it and relate it to your life in a way that builds emotional trust.
See more:
Approach & Talk In Statements
Mark Manson recommends you never approach from behind and that you smile and give good eye contact.
It won’t matter what you say, he says.
He usually just blurts, “Hi, I’m Mark“.
Also, read:
Mark advices to speak in statements like friends do, not questions. Questions create the feeling that you want something from her, and she must oblige.
Instead of questions, use statements.
For example, instead of saying:
“how long have you been knowing each other”
Say:
“you guys look like you are old friends”.
TPM Note: best is mixing questions with statements
I partially agree with the statements VS questions topics. But I disagree that questions (always) mean that you want something from her and that it puts you at a disadvantage. Because her replies are also compliance and investment.
Many questions in a row are terrible, yes, but so is stacking up a lot of wrong statements. And the wrong statements scream “nothing in common”.
Master a Good Dating Process
Manson’s dating process consists of doing lots of interactive activities and changing venues several times during the date.
The author ends the chapter with an overview of signals of interest and with the advice of escalating when she’s ready.
🙋♂️Lucio’s Take: Simplicity in your dates signals confidence and power
Lucio:
I recognize the utility of doing lots of things during the date and changing venues. However, I prefer simplicity.
Planning lots of things signals high investment, which lowers your perceived value.
Confident men don’t feel the need to jump venues so they can keep it simple. That has worked incredibly well for me.
I share the process in Seduction University.
CRITICISM
This Model Will Backfire Without Foundational Value & Mating Strategy
This type of ‘be vulnerable and honest’ resonates with good men, but the truth is that it only works if men already have a good baseline of confidence and power.
And it will backfire without those foundations.
Just think about it:
Will a man who’s vulnerable about his failures be attractive?
I’m afraid you know the answer.
If a man who lacks competence, confidence, mental power and social power is ‘vulnerable’ about his failings, he will only dig himself into a deeper hole.
And if a man openly communicates attraction too early, or awkwardly, he will also undermine himself.
In truth, attraction is best communicated by moving forward with action, rather than words. That’s the more masculine, high-power approach. And what worked best for me.
Some Inconsistencies in Mark’s Dating Claims
Mark Manson seems like a smart guy, and I like his approach to life.
There are a few inconsistencies though in Models I’d need to flag.
In the book he says he “kissed more than 300 girls” and then he says he has “been with almost 100 women”.
In the chapters on first impressions, though, he says that “of the thousands of women I’ve been with, around 90% we clicked right away”.
Which one is which?
Plus, if you ‘clicked’ with thousands of women and only ‘been with almost 100’, that’s a low conversion rate, and I’d have to wonder about his dating process.
Dating Models… Or Marrying Girls Next Door?
Mark Manson’s wife seems awesome; the two seem happy years after marriage, and if so, he absolutely won dating.
At the same time, if one writes a book about dating models, isn’t it also fair to expect the author to be dating models?
That being said, if one prioritizes a happy relationship, than that may be his evidence that he’s the right guy to learn from.
The Nice Guy’s Guide… May Turn Out To Be TOO Nice Guy
Models is “PC and safe”.
For example:
- Be vulnerable
- Be honest
- Relationships are more fulfilling than sleeping around
These are all popular takes to share, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the most effective approaches.
We analyzed
Manson: The most attractive men are those who like and respect women
Lucio: True, but only if they have a baseline of power. And the asshole strategy can also be effective in shorter-term mating context
Strong On Big Picture, Weaker On Processes, Strategies, and Techniques
Models is a strong resource for a big picture overview and the mindsets of committed dating for genuine relationships.
It’s not as strong as a how-to with step-by-step processes on how to go from first meet to intimacy and relationships.
Review
Models is a strong resource for men who want to date for a good and genuine relationship, proving many of the foundational mindsets and
In that sense, it’s better aligned with a provider dating strategy.
In that sense, Mark Manson can come across as the concerned parent, reminding readers that depth of connection beats hookups, and that relationships are superior to short-term dating.
That being said, while it lacks a strong how-to process-driven approach to deliver results, it excels at bridging between self-help and dating.
Indeed, it’s barely a dating book in a way, and more a book on becoming a better, more successful man who will also attract a woman.
Next steps to successful dating
If after Models you want to dive deeper into a more practical, how-to process, you can consider Seduction University.
It shares the same methods I used to achieve all my dating goals, despite being short, bald, and not particularly attractive:
