Men Don’t Love Women Like You (2015) is a dating book for women that teaches readers “how to date like a Spartan”.
That means, more or less, how to take charge of your dating life to find the man you want and the relationship you deserve.
- It starts with you: you have your own life, you don’t settle, and you demand respect and investment
- Use the dating process to vet your men
- Become a friend, build a bond, and get a relationship before you have sex
Lambert says thousands of women sought his advice and he learned with them what works, what doesn’t work, and what only works as a short fix.
Men play the same games the whole world over, he says. And they aren’t even playing smart games.
And yet women fall for it.
Part I: Awaken The Spartan
Lambert says many women think their job or income makes them special.
But it doesn’t.
On the dating market, a woman owning a nail salon and one working part-time are at the same level.
As a matter of fact, dating might be more challenging for successful women.
You Are Not What You Can Do for a Man
Lambert says you should ask what a man can do for you, not what you can do for him.
You Are Not Your Vagina
Lambert, says too many women think sex is the key to keeping a man.
But no matter what, great sex won’t keep a man around if personality isn’t there.
Shining outside the bedroom gets you farther.
You Are Not Your Looks
The author says looks won’t guarantee success.
Pretty people break up and can’t find a mate like everyone else.
Your confidence must come from something beyond your external appearances (check my article on building an antifragile ego).
Killing Basica: Resetting Your Mind
Lambert says dating is unbalanced because men don’t worry about finding anyone.
They trust it will eventually happen. Women instead ache to make something happen quickly.
this is very true.
He dedicates a whole section to how you should revamp yourself.
Games Men Play
Some of the biggest games for Lambert are:
- Ego-stroking flattery
- “No pressure” game
Some men will indeed not pressure you for sex and can even give you a relationship.
But you might still be a placeholder for them until something better comes along.
And it will destroy your heart because you gave them your heart.
- Full list of games men play (with examples)
Awaken The Spartan Within
Lambert says the root of weakness is insecurity.
When you are insecure, you are a slave of the “not good enough fear” (check Daring Greatly).
He then trains the reader on how a Spartan thinks.
The main takeaways for me:
- Drop the good girl supposed to serve him mentality
- Be more selfish
- Drop negative beliefs about men
- Drop the excuses: you want a man. Set goals accordingly
Part II: Date Like A Spartan
Lambert starts part II with the biggest factors holding you back.
The two points I liked most:
- #1 Understand How Men Date
The author says men put out feelers trying to do things as easily as possible for them. A typical girl will settle for his low offer.
- #2 Understand The Importance of Dates
Lambert says you must use dates to understand and vet him. Dig up dirt, and tease out his needs and objectives.
Or you’ll trip on the issues when you’re already together.
The Pre-Date Battle Plan
Lambert uses in his story a fictional character called Cali.
Cali approaches him at Starbucks. The author says the key to the first contact is to get out quickly.
She contacts him a day after to give him time to think if he’s into her.
The phone call before the date is key because Spartans don’t do blind dates. They want to know the guy’s got the basics to qualify for a first date.
Date Night: Gather Intel
Lambert says the first date is all about conversation and intel gathering.
It’s a job interview where you know who you’re looking for and peels his layer with indirect questions.
Cali arrives 10 minutes late not so much to make him wait, but to test him to see what he’s made of.
The author says men are careful in the beginning trying to assess what image they should project.
Typical women wait for him to lead, which emboldens him to take control.
No Cali: she uses that occasion to take the lead.
Let Him Talk
Cali will not drink and will let him open up with unexpected questions.
Lambert proposes something like this:
What’s the closest you came to smacking a bitch
From then on, the goal is to make him feel comfortable and safe to share the most truthful answers.
the idea of an unexpected, deep question to blindside him and then make him feel safe to be himself is genius.
Drop Hints of Sensuality
Touch his arm, and lightly rub his foot beneath the table when you want to cheer him up.
Stress certain words with the same style Marylin Monroe did.
End On A High Note
Lambert says to end early on a high note and tells him he’ll make more time next time.
Waiting for the cab, she hugs him pushing herself against his body and laying her head on him.
When the cab arrives she gives a pecker on his lips and says with a smile “next time”.
Let Him Pay
Lambert recommends letting the man pay.
Even more, he says the woman should contribute nothing financially on the first date.
But similar to what I suggest in the 7 biggest mistakes women make, you should thank him and reward him with something physical (a hug).
You Must Vet Him Indirectly
Lambert stresses the importance of making him open up and asking good questions.
You can’t ask questions directly though. Instead of asking whether or not he’s faithful, tease him and make him feel he can be himself.
Ask if he’d her cover-up for one of the boys who cheated.
And say you’d do it for your brother.
Don’t offer to see him too soon: now you will keep him on the phone for a while.
These are the do’s and don’ts of the post date:
- the day after you can text more because he’s earned it
- if he doesn’t contact you the whole day you call him in the evening
- assume you’re not the only gal he’s seeing but behave as if you are
- fit into his day, don’t pretend to take it over
The Long Phone Conversation
The author recommends you treat phone calls like marathons and make their last hours (!).
If a man has time to meet, he should have time to talk too.
I feel this is too long. But I’ve noticed black girls do enjoy calls
Cali now wants to stay on his mind. So sometimes she sends a funny picture or a funny email chain. But never agree to a quick lunch or hello meeting.
Go Off-Grid For A Day
The author recommends you sometimes disappear for a day to make him realize how much he misses you.
If he attempts the same, barely notice it when he’s back.
The Second Date
Let him wait for the second date and pick a place you like.
You want to vet for compatibility.
On the second date, you switch from asking to observing.
Cali starts with what the author calls “The Girlfriend Experience”.
The goal is to make him feel like you two are in a relationship so he starts falling in love with that idea.
End of The Date
You will not invite him home.
That’s why you kiss him so he knows he’s not being refused and you like him.
If he insists to come home, have an excuse ready.
Read more on how to reject a man without rejecting the relationship.
Cali will not go now for another date, it’s his turn. If he doesn’t make a move, she’ll cut him fast.
On the third date, you can reward him with a dinner at home, but end early and no sex.
The focus and the last test from the third date on is to become real friends. To lose you, it will mean for him to lose a trusted partner.
The author has some good tips on spending the first night over. Why and how to do it.
When to Have Sex
Lambert says there’s no time or date number to have sex.
All you need is proof -and intuition- that he has what it takes for the boyfriend role.
He must invest and treat you like you are his girlfriend before the title is there.
He says there are three signs you must see to green light sex:
- Time and effort
- Aggressive pursuit
- You’re the first choice as a confidant and friend
Sex is honey, not glue. He’ll come, but won’t stick
From Dating to Relationship
The author recommends you have “the conversation before sex”. Get the book for what to actually say.
After sex, you want to see a continued effort.
Part III: Conquer The Relationship
The third part of “Men Don’t Love Women Like You” is about keeping a healthy relationship.
Lambert goes over a few common external issues that often taint relationships.
Get the book for the full list, it’s worth it, this is just a sample:
- Family / Friend interference
You never tackle them directly, but tell your boyfriends about the issue. A high-value man must defend you.
- Past or Current Suitors
Men rarely burn bridges. If there’s a girl he still talks to tell him it’s improper and you want him to stop talking to her.
- Picking at scabs
When something you don’t like happens, you either forgive or you don’t. If you forgive, you can’t bring it up anymore in the future.
Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus says this is normal female behavior.
Helping Without Emasculating
Lambert says men have big egos you need to take care of.
Men live under the pressure of having to appear strong: they will not tell your anxieties if you ask them.
You must be indirect and simply listen without giving solutions instead. Then thank him for opening up.
Lambert goes into a few techniques men use to keep control of the relationship.
I really liked them.
Some of them are:
- Victim Games
- Attack your thumbscrews
Bringing up your hot buttons (33rd law of power). For example, they’ll say you’re paranoid like you were in the past.
Lambert says you own up to your mistakes and faults, so you are immune to his guilt games.
- Say you’re bossy
Spartans are strong alpha females, so he can use it against you and say you’re domineering or mean.
He’s trying to take you to the level of basics.
Nice bit*h check, but you reply with facts.
Threesome & Breaks
Lambert says if you only do it for him, that’s a bad mentality.
The person in the relationship that tries the least is the one with the most power.
And when cheating lines get blurred, they’re easier to cross it. So don’t go there.
Breaks are terrible, says the author. Avoid them.
Love pics bring more vultures
Don’t think that pics of you two on social media will scare away other women. It will attract them more.
File details of top men
Lambert advises you don’t pursue but you keep the contact details of great men in case your relationship won’t work.
Let Him Open Up
Understand the pressure on men of being strong. Listen to him without giving solutions (or it’ll emasculate them).
Vet Your Men!
- High Initial Investment
Lambert talks about getting your man used to treating you well.
True, but when you start with lots of “event dates” you start with a bang. Then it will feel like going backward when you settle down.
- Making Him Invest Much
I’m not fully convinced the strategy of keeping men on a string without sex is that effective.
Many great men simply won’t stick around. Also, read why you shouldn’t let him wait.
- Is Strong Women Dating Effective?
I like the “Spartan dating attitude” in “Men Don’t Love Women Like You”.
Yet, I’m not convinced it’s always effective in getting men to do the approaching and in making men fall in love.
- Sometimes Bellicose
Men Don’t Love Women Like You seem to look at relationships like power struggles.
I think the best relationships are partnerships, and women should date for mutually supportive relationships (see: how to date for supportive relationships).
Some very, very good insights on dating and the psychology of dating.
The questions and techniques Lambert recommend to make a man open up are very strong and direct and require a very confident woman.
But they’re also great, I was impressed.
Again, same as for Ho Tactics Lambert has tons of great insights in “Why Men Don’t Love Women Like You”.
Most of all I liked his date questions to open him up.
They are genius.
Only a couple of things I disagree with -calling for hours and forcing him to invest loads- prevent this book from being a 5 stars resource.
But I do recommend it.
Grab a copy!
Grab a copy of Why Men Don’t Love Women Like You