- Bullet Summary
- Full Summary
- Find the guy with a mix of pro-activeness and high value
- Get the guy with a mix of challenge, value, and connection (+ visual chemistry)
- Keep the guy marrying high-value qualities with male needs
About The Author:
Matthew Hussey first started out as a dating coach for men in the then-budding “pick-up scene” and later transitioned to coaching women.
He says he’s qualified to teach women how to get guys because he’s spent years coaching men in dating and he knows how men think.
Part I: Find the Guy
1. Put the Odds in Your Favor
Hussey says most women meet too few guys.
They think it will somehow just happen, or that if it’s meant to be the right guy will just somehow materialize.
He urges us to drop that mentality, build a lifestyle where we meet tons of new men, and give as many men as possible a chance.
Social Life Serving Love Life
Matthew Hussey advises an old technique around the social improvement field: says yes every time, to every invite.
In “how to work a room” Matthew suggests stopping and standing when you enter into new venues. Take in the environment, see, and let yourself be seen.
The author then tells a story of a club owner he met who seemed confident and in control, and suggests you should adopt the “owner mentality”.
My Note: Not good for women
The “owner story” is popular in men’s dating advice. I don’t it’s a good strategy for a woman: it’s too overbearing.
Being a Woman of High Value
Hussey says that getting the guy starts with yourself.
As much as you’re looking for a man of high value, men are looking for women of high value too.
The author concedes that “high value” is relative, but certain traits are fixed. These traits are:
Hussey says that a high-value woman is confident in her own value and knows what she wants.
She is also confident in making her needs clear when they’re not being met and is able to walk away from relationships that do not fulfill her.
She is unaffected by superficial things and is neither intimidated nor overly impressed by looks, money, or high status.
True, but don’t overdo it. Like Harvey says in Act Like a Lady, many “strong, independent women are also lonely”.
On the other hand, the author says, low confidence and uncertain women are doing things to please others.
A confident man will lose interest in an uncertain woman, and men can always sense when a woman is uncertain about herself.
This would be the “nice girl” of Why Men Love Bitches (read: better strong woman or submissive woman?). One note here: well-placed insecurities can push the “need to protect her” button in a man.
This is the biggest female misconception:
if he really liked me he would have come and talked to me
He says the more he likes you, the harder it is for him. Indeed, the guys who are most likely to approach you, are also more likely to approach a lot of women, and they’re probably only 1% of the male population.
How to Approach
Matthew Hussey describes a few ways a woman can start a conversation.
He says you should look at the guy first, maybe for half a second, and then smile the second time you look at him.
Then make it easier for him to talk to you by getting closer to him.
Matthew has a terrific piece of advice when he says that women should never be easy, but the first ten seconds of a conversation, be easy. Give him a chance.
Asking for a favor
You can start a convo by asking for a favor, which also plays on the man’s ego and makes him feel like a man.
“Pass the Test”
Ask a question (for example: what type of drink you should order).
Then depending on his reply either say “great you passed the test” or “oh that’s a pity, it would never work between us“.
The author says he will automatically think “yes it can work and I will prove it to you“.
This is another typical man’s pick-up technique. The risk is that the guy will see what you’re up to, know that you’re into him, and label you as a bit of a game player.
Seed the Date
Matthew Hussey says that you don’t really ask for a date, but seed the idea. For example, you could say:
You: “All the guys I know keep telling to try (name of popular restaurant)”.
When he says he hasn’t tried it, say you’re the only two who haven’t been there yet and you should go.
When you’re leaving then you say something like “hey, I gotta go, lemme leave you my number and maybe we can do something sometime“.
Part II: Get The Guy
Formula of Attraction
Matthew Hussey says the ultimate formula of attraction is composed of visual chemistry + perceived challenge + perceived value + connection.
Playing Hard to Get
Matthew Hussey says that playing hard to get is a terrible strategy in the long term. Pretending to be always too busy or too aloof will only get chasing you the most undiscerning types of men.
I agree here and I’m glad he says it. Read how to get high-quality men with mutual escalation.
Matthew Hussey says that waiting for X dates before having sex takes your focus into game playing and away from the most important thing: building a connection.
Sex should happen when you make an emotional connection.
The author says that waiting too long is also a mistake because he will feel like he’s not important to you sexually. And men do get their validation through sex.
couldn’t agree more. Hussey is one of the few authors to nail this point. Also, read why you should not let him wait for sex.
How to Spot “Only for Sex Guys”
Hussey says that if gets too emotional or persistent when you deny sex, you shouldn’t date him again.
Matthew Hussey says that a guy doesn’t mind waiting for sex if you do it in a tactful way.
For example, if he calls you late at night for a booty call, you deny but there’s no point in “punishing”. What you do instead is to suggest an alternative.
I fully agree. Also read: how to reject sex.
Why Hasn’t He Called?
Matthew Hussey says that some misconceptions the guy hasn’t called yet are because he’s intimidated, because he doesn’t want commitment, or because he’s only after sex.
The real reasons, Hussey says, are that she was one of these:
- too nice and no challenge
- too aggressive
- too desperate
- trying too hard to impress
- too negative
- no chemistry
I disagree with the ” too nice and no challenge”: he would still want to have sex with you.
Part III: Keep The Guy
How to Be The Woman of His Dreams
These are the crucial aspects of being the woman of his dreams:
- Let him know you’re attracted to him
Matthew Hussey says that your man should know that you derive complete sexual satisfaction with him.
- Make him feel unique
Hussey says that you should make your man feel unique and that you would choose him no matter what.
- Make him feel like the protector
Matthew says you should make the man feel like you need him.
Being independent is what makes a woman a high-value woman, but not giving him any chance to add value or help you emasculates him.
- Cheer Him Up
The author says that supporting him and making him feel like you believe in him is another central part of keeping a guy happy.
Is he Mr. Right?
Matthew says that two values are the most important in guaranteeing a long-term relationship:
If you don’t have these two values you don’t have much long-term potential. If you have these two in common, you can overcome difficulties and differences.
My Note: teamwork is what high-quality men want.
I totally agree with Hussey, teamwork is what high quality wants. High-quality and driven men have things going on in their lives and it’s either they find a supportive woman who adds value, or they aren’t going to stick around.
That’s why the advice of dropping manipulative dating games and confrontational attitudes is great advice.
If You Want Him to Commit
The author says that the extraordinary doesn’t just attract the extraordinary, but also keeps the extraordinary.
And then adds that you should be careful to over-commit and give too much too soon.
The Girl that Made the Author Commit
Matthew gives a funny and great example of him telling a girl he wasn’t going to commit.
Little did he know, not long after he did commit. How did she do it? She kept cool when he said he wasn’t feeling like being in a relationship.
Then she lowered him in the list of priorities but STILL was great when they were together. That made the trick.
Extraordinary don’t just attract extraordinary. It keeps extraordinary.
My Note: Play selectively submissive to make him commit!
See an example here:
And read the full description here:
- How to make men want to invest and protect using selective submissiveness
- Unique Point of View
Of all the authors in the women’s dating literature space, Hussey is probably the most original.
I believe a big reason why is that he comes from men’s dating space, and he brings a lot of ideas from there that were not previously present in the women’s dating literature.
That’s a plus, but also a con (read below).
- Great Insights
The author has many many great insights that many other authors -especially female ones- don’t have.
For example, many female writers fail to stress that you should reject his sexual advances tactfully.
Or that for most guys, being single means having little sex actually :).
- Cheesy – Game-y
- Made for Men
Some of the advice is man dating advice swapping “she” with “him”. And sometimes that’s not ideal.
Some of Hussey’s suggestions to be a challenge can start a silent battle dynamic.
For example, he suggests telling the guy he’s so lucky to be with her. That’s not good because it starts a “who’s lucky/better” dynamic (check: 4 communication mistakes men do in relationships and combative relationships).
- Video Bonuses Up-Sell
There’s quite some up-selling in the book.
And, beyond the book, I find Hussey’s marketing to be more geared towards clueless consumers rather than smart women who are in charge of their lives (see here dating for successful women).
See here an example from the mailing list, which seems to me more aimed at selling than providing information (albeit the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive):
And once you click on it you get a video vastly overselling the results:
Hussey talks about “getting any men to do as you please”, “like mind control, but better”.
In my opinion, this is an unethical approach to business. And it makes me suspicious about the quality of the product, too.
Get The Guy has solid content and lots of good information albeit it recommends behavior that is not the most feminine and hence, sometimes not the most effective.
Just a bit cheesy at times and I would warn female readers to avoid the more “male pick-up style” advice because that would make them look less feminine, and femininity is crucial.