Why Men DON’T Love Bitches: Book Review

Why Men Love Bitches (2002) is a popular dating book for women promoting dating strategies based on emotional and financial independence, female power, and some dating games as well.

Quick Review

In brief, this is our take:

why men don't love bitches book review

High-quality men love high-quality women. As simple as that.

Note:

Everything that follows is our take, opinion, and criticism.
And our own advice, which often stands opposite to Sherry Argov’s opinions.

And, to us:

Why Men Love Bitches advocates for the feminist way of dating.

Such as:

  • Independent
  • “not needing a man” and
  • High power

The type of woman who is 2023 would proudly sing “I can buy myself flowers”.

And power is good: this website is all about power and personal empowerment.

However, when it comes to dating effectiveness, things are not as straightforward.

Power is almost always good for men, but research shows that power for women comes with important costs (unless she’s very astute in wielding it).

And that’s especially true in dating.

In dating, high-power women tend to repel many high-power and successful men and only retain lower-value and more submissive men.

So while some power is good for displaying some value, too much power backfires.
Generally speaking, female power above a certain threshold reduces her options.

A book for women who are WAY too nice (only)

Here’s the issue:

Why Men Love Bitches doesn’t provide dating advice that works for all, or even most, women.

As a matter of fact, I’d say that Why Men Love Bitches is a book that’s only suited for a specific subset of women.

As the subtitle of the book suggests, such as “from doormat to dreamgirls”, Why Men Love Bitches is best suited for women who are “too nice”.

But it is not a very effective strategy for the majority of women because women maximize their sexual market value at lower levels of power than men:

submissive vs strong women chart
“Independent” is only attractive UP TO A CERTAIN LEVEL

Just as a quick example, take availability.

Argov recommends being more on the unavailable end.

However, contrary to the book’s advice research shows that available women are actually more attractive to men (Birnbaum et al., 2013).
Of course, any single research isn’t the end-all-be-all. And you don’t want to be too available to the point where it feels like you have no life whatsoever. That would be too much and decrease your value.

But the point remains: “be unavailable to display power” is not good general advice.

Not A Book For Win-Win Relationships

Another issue with the book is that it focuses on dating power dynamics and relationship control.

That means that Why Men Love Bitches is less suited for win-win, supportive relationships.

The risk of going into the “bitch” way of dating is the same as for toxic masculinity.
And it’s that one starts seeing relationships as zero-sum games where only one partner can win, and only if the other loses (a mindset leading to combative relationships).

Finally, it’s not effective with high-quality men, since high-quality men tend to be leaders, successful, and high in dominance.
And successful men rarely enjoy an overpowering woman who plays games and seeks to lead and control the dating process.

Also, read the foundational law of balance article and as it applies to dating:

Why Balance Is Most Seductive

What I liked

There are some good insights in Why Men Love Bitches.

Albeit not a psychologist the author has good mating intelligence.
As an author focusing on authority, power dynamics, and influence, I recognize the author has a base-level grasp of power dynamics, which makes some of her analyses very on point.

If I had to mention the biggest “aha” moment for me was Argov’s analysis of nagging.
She says nagging reassures men that their women care. So it doesn’t serve to help women win, but only to make him feel like he “has her”.

I agree with that, but I also believe that there is a strong power in nagging that puts pressure on him, frames her as the judge, and, potentially, makes her the prize of the relationship (also read: soft power).

Long-term nagging also has the power of sculpting the man the way she wants through what in psychology is called “negative reinforcement”, and you can read more about that in how women control relationships“.

Harriet Braiker, a clinical psychologist and Ph.D., agrees on nagging as an effective behavior-changing tool in “Who’s Pulling Your Strings”, a book dedicated to manipulation and manipulative techniques (Braiker, 2003)

Also, take a look at the games men play:

10 Games Men Play, And How to Handle Them

What’s Potentially Good Advice -In The Right Doses-

Sherry Argov has some good tips and suggestions.

If I had to pick four that tend to repeat across the book, it would be:

  1. Love yourself and your life first (or you become dependent on him)
  2. Control the pace of the relationship, and keep it slow (or you go too fast and burn out)
  3. Let him come to you
  4. Never make him feel like he “has you” (or he will lose interest)

In the right doses, the above is not too bad.

Except maybe for the last one, that’s very easy to overdo.

Plus, many men like or even prefer women who become “his” -and many high-power men would only date seriously women who become “his”-.

The overall message is “be strong, be independent, and he will fall for you”.
You can read more techniques in:

10 Mindf*ck Ways To Make Him Value You More

And, finally:

What’s Wrong

The main issue with Why Men Love Bitches is simple:

1. Feminine Women Date Better Than High-Power Ones

Generally speaking:

Feminine women who can strategically sub-communicate love, admiration, and even slight submissiveness to a high-quality man date better than high-power women.

Power, strength, and independence in a woman follow the law of optimum balance: you need some of it to avoid being a total pushover that only attracts losers.
But if you have too much of it, most men are turned off -including successful men-.

And power for female dating has a rather low threshold point. Meaning that it’s very easy to overdo it, have too much of it, and harm you instead of helping you.

In brief and put it bluntly: high-power women are less attractive and have fewer opportunities.

Here’s that “optimum balance” in chart terms:

why men love bitches chart

2. The “Men VS Women” Approach Is Ineffective With High-Quality Men

The “men VS women” frame sells but doesn’t work.

It sells well because feminist women or women who want a boost of self-confidence can use it as a self-signaling and virtue-signaling tool.

However, it’s not what actually works to have a good (dating) life.

That type of frame leads to poor relationships and, potentially, to toxic relationships as well.

This is exactly what happened to this reviewer, who started applying the advice in her relationship:

Combative advice makes for combative relationships. It’s that simple.

Unluckily, this is very common in the dating advice industry.
The same happens in many dating books for men.
These books end up being misogynists because they frame dating and relationships as battles to be won (see the review of The Rational Male” for more).

I usually expect my relationships -and of my partners- to seek mutual support and caring.
Because if not, why being a relationship at all?

Indeed, I believe that it’s a precondition for all great relationships to be focused on adding value to each other and giving. That’s what high-quality men and high-quality women seek.
And that’s why I believe that focusing on power and control only lands you average men and women.

You get the men and women who have little social and emotional intelligence and don’t understand (basic) power dynamics.
The men with basic social skills might still want to fuck her, just out of power, but will prefer different partners for relationships.

After all, why should a man with options be in a relationship with an uncollaborative woman who engages in manipulative games?

High-quality men with options want partners who add value to their lives. These men are often busy building things, increasing their power and influence, and they prefer a supportive woman to help them along their journey.
And if instead of adding value their partner focuses on playing games, they will drop her.

That’s why I advise women (and men) to drop win-lose mindsets and nasty power moves:

10 Nasty Games Women Play (Women, Stop These!)

3. Don’t Learn Dating From SINGLES

DeMarco calls it the “paradox of practice”.

In brief, the paradox of practice means to “sell advice that the author herself hasn’t used to succeed”.

Argov also wroteWhy Men Marry Bitches, but as a cautious reader, you may want to ask yourself if Argov or other practitioners of “bitch dating” are in a happy relationship.

I don’t know about Sherry Argov’s personal relationships, but as the learner who wants to maximize her options you should definitely ask yourself:

Are the women promoting and practicing Why Men Love Bitches advice dating high-quality men? 

OR…

Are they mostly single & bitter, or in a relationship with a doormat?

From what I’ve seen, some of these women promoting the “bitches” advice are either:

  1. Selling, without making sure the material works
  2. Deceiving the competition for personal gains
  3. Making up a nice-sounding narrative around the superiority of personal power to justify their preferences/choices/situation (and feel less alone)

However, it’s not a case of “everyone’s bad”.
Some are honestly clueless.
And some others have been victims of less-than-ideal men.

So this is not necessarily an attack on many women who instead deserve understanding -or compassion-.

Some women got into this type of mindset and advice after they dated assholes, avoidant men, sociopaths, narcissists, and the male equivalent of bitches.

So it’s understandable.

Still, it doesn’t mean this advice works.

4. Poor Approach To Date Higher Quality Men

The “bitch” of the book seems quite a game player.

And that doesn’t work well with high-quality men with options and competing interests.

Example:

Woman: (plays games)
Men: (falls out of love)

I usually recommend high-quality women who seek high-quality men and who want high-quality relationships to date differently.
You must plant the seeds for a high-quality relationship.

And a high-quality relationship demands mutual support, which starts with dating.

You can also read:

You can also see one real-life example here.

I found instead the bitch of Why Men Love Bitches advice being more on the bellicose end rather than on the “we’re in this together”.

7 Biggest Dating Mistakes Women Do (Before Sex)

4.2. Making Him Chase and Invest Is Good… But Harmful When She Overdoes It

Sherry Argov recommends women make him invest in them.

That’s common advice in the dating literature for women and there is some evidence to confirm that it works.

For example, studies show that givers feel more committed to the recipient after giving.
So a man doting and investing in her will like the woman more.
In that sense, Why Men Love Bitches is right.

Yet, whether that technique works or backfires, depends highly on the environment you are dating in, and the type of man you are dating.

But, generally speaking, you don’t want to try too hard to make him chase.

Why Not?

Because today there are more high-quality women than men, which gives men an advantage in general.
And that’s even more true for high-quality men.

Asking for big investments upfront drives away the men who have the most options -and those are the ones whom ideally you want to get-.

Just look at this real-life example:

a text example of why men don't love bitches

She dates like a textbook, power-seeking “bitch”.
If I have other options why should I want to date her? Maybe just to bang her. But I can assure you I’d never enter a relationship with that type of woman -and neither would any other smart guy-.

That’s why I say that this approach of “dating like a high-powered bitch” who makes men chase and invest works great… For average and below-average men.

If you don’t believe me, there are studies showing that men prefer kind women. And especially so for long-term relationships.

I recommend you take a look atwhy dating for successful women is harder (and what they can do about it)”.

Why Successful Women Fail At Dating (& How to Fix It)

This is especially true if she is not well versed in asking without giving back in equal amounts.
When she dates with “getting as much as possible” in mind, it’s very easy looking like a low-quality woman.
In my opinion, discerning men who are attuned to social dynamics will never be OK with giving and giving without anything in return (and again, those are ideally the men she wants).

This is why, overall, I cannot fully agree with Why Men Love Bitches without adding a few caveats.

4.3. Letting Him Wait For Sex Can Backfire If It Feels Like A Game

Sherry Argov seems to recommend she lets him wait for sex.

And, again, there are plenty of reasons why that’s a good idea, including the male’s ingrained mindset of dividing women along the “Madonna-whore dichotomy“.

For the exceptions also check out:

And for the techniques on how to actually delay sex, check:

How To Slow Down Sex & Get A Relationship

5. You Lose Out In Relationships

I’ve dated my fair of shame who either:

  • Speak straight, including admitted they needed time/attention
  • Play games, including hiding their need for time and attention

And that’s a major problem for “bitches” in relationships with high-quality men who demand and expect straight talk.

It does show you’re playing games, and he’ll lose respect and attraction.

Real-life example:

She hid her feelings to look “strong”, and ruined the relationship for it (for both)

This woman acted like Argov’s “bitch” who “doesn’t need him”.

But it wasn’t her true and honest self.
So she put up a fake persona and never spoke straight about her needs and wants.

Instead, she played the game.

For a long time.
She pretended she didn’t need much contact, and refrained from contacting me when she wanted to talk.

And this is among a slew of other “power games” that align with the “ideal bitch”.
For example, whenever I couldn’t pick up the phone, she also withdrew and avoided sending good night wishes.
She never spoke up that she felt spurned when I couldn’t pick up -or that she’d expect a call back, something I could have agreed with-.

But of course, I teach this stuff, and I knew what was up.

Anyway, back to her “need for attention” that she hid.
That was also the straw that broke the camel’s back.

She suffered (in silence) for as long she could.

And when she finally spoke up, it was too late.
I had lost a lot of respect for her and that was the last straw.
I lost respect for her for playing games for so long. For not (having the courage to) speak straight and early. And for playing a game of power instead of the game of partnership and making it work together that I expected -and clearly told her multiple times-.

What’s sad is that, generally, she’s actually a very good person.

But by the time we reached that point, I had to come to the conclusion that she too into the (sneaky) game of power, than a partnership.

At that point, I didn’t believe anymore a good relationship with her was even possible.

No matter how good a person, is, if she can’t put that good to work WITH you, it’s useless.

6. No, Men Don’t Love Bitches

When reviewing “Do Men Love Bitches”, the ultimate question is:

Do men love bitches?

The short answer is: no, most men don’t love bitches.

The slightly longer answer is that, as with most things relating to human psychology, we need to start with “it depends”.

A minority of highly driven men can indeed go crazy over the bitch.
Those men are turned on by the quest to control, domesticate, and dominate the independent bitch.

However, we might argue whether that’s a healthy dynamic to set off.
Because those men might indeed tire once she finally relents, and then lose interest.
So the bitch would condemn herself to a lifetime of constant aloofness and distance, becoming in a way a bit of an emotionally unavailable (wo)man.

Most men though will never go for a bitch because they prefer women who are easier to get along with.
These are usually also the mentally healthiest men and men with a secure attachment style.

This isn’t just my opinion, my personal experience, and my observation of the men around me, but several studies support this view.
You can read more in “submissive VS strong women” and “are men intimidated by strong and independent women?“.

Submissive Women VS Strong Women: Who Wins at Dating?

With some other men, it’s best to make them feel like they have you and they protect you and take care of you.
This is something Sherry Argov also recommends actually, albeit at times as a tool for getting what she wants.

This is the type of man and relationship that Steve Harvey describes in his bestseller Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man.
See an example here:

text example to make men chase and invest

And read the full description here:

In summary:
yes, some men are attracted to independent bitches because they want to tame and dominate them.
However, that’s a short-term attractor only, and if the “struggle for power” continues only submissive men are going to stay after sex.
Ultimately, the dating market for more submissive and feminine women is larger and with more high-quality men than the dating market for the bitches.

Smart Women Agree

If you don’t wanna take my word as a man, then listen to a woman teaching class and feminity.

Anna Bey, a former matchmaker who understands dating dynamics says it perfectly well:

Anna Bey: If you are going to be incredibly cold and rigid just not to be a “pick me woman”, you might actually end up attracting a very submissive type of guy who loves being bossed around by a woman
With “cold and rigid”, Bey is actually referring to too many games and to a dating approach that seeks power.

Who Should Read It: Too Nice Girls

Why Men Love Bitches can be a great wake-up call for certain types of women.

For example, it can be good for women who love too much, women who are too nice, fall in love too quickly or get too clingy.
For these women, it can be a much-needed wake-up call.

In that sense, it’s a bit like the equivalent of the red pill for men, and the corresponding book for men would be No More Mr. Nice Guy“.

Indeed, the full title of this book is:

Why Men Love Bitches – From Doormat to Dream Girl

So if you’re a doormat, and as long as you don’t swing in the opposite direction, it may be good.

Still, in my opinion, you may also gain more with a more balanced and nuanced approach such as the one we espouse here.

Example: The Girl Who Should Have Been Bitchier

I once had a girl who used to drop gifts in my postbox.

Once I told her I got fired and 30 minutes later… She rang my door with a gift.
I couldn’t even let her come in because… There was another woman at my place.

I can tell you this much: I have never felt more guilty in my dating life than on that evening.

But no guilt in the world would make me attracted to her.

That lady turned clingy and sometimes annoyingly so.
And If I had to make her the best gift I could ever do to her, it would be Why Men Love Bitches.

On the other hand, I must say that if “too nice girls” are lucky to meet nice guys or men who appreciate them, then they can be happy without evening learning power dynamics.

I’m glad to say that the girl who dropped gifts in my letterbox is now in a long-term, happy relationship :).

But Good For Anyone to Understand Power Dynamics

But Why Men Love Bitches is also good for more experienced and balanced women who can still improve their understanding of dating power dynamics.

Even I, possibly not the most beginner in these topics, had to learn a lot from Argov.

On top of the insight on nagging, another “aha” moment for me was with men who purposefully push women’s buttons to make them overreact.
Albeit I don’t think most men do so consciously, that was pure genius insight.

why men don't love bitches book review

My Review

Why Men Love Bitches took the feminist approach to the dating advice literature.

The issue with that is while feminist ideals of independence and personal power can be good for personal empowerment and success, they don’t translate that well to dating success.
As we’ve seen, sometimes the high-power and “independent” approach to dating are instead antithetical to effective dating.

The problem with the “woman who buys herself flowers” is exactly that: that type of attitude naturally means that most of the time, she does end up buying her own flowers.

The alpha-female style of dating rarely leads to finding a high-quality, driven man.
And sure, you can always be the exception. But you generally want to be the rule and not the exception.

Still, even despite my many warnings against it, I still can honestly say that part of me also thoroughly enjoyed Why Men Love Bitches.

It’s because there is some overlap with this website.
Why Men Love Bitches is one of the earlier books to bring some “realpolitik”, power moves-style wisdom into dating for women.

This website also advises readers to learn power dynamics, games men play, and the various power moves of life.
However, you want to grow beyond that eventually, reaching a point where you can also develop more collaborative and win-win relationships.

Besides pure effectiveness, that’s also what’s missing in this book.

You shouldn’t stay stuck with looking at dating and relationships as battlefields, or you’re basically going into “sociopath relationship” mode.

Once you’re aware of the limitations, you can check Why Men Love Bitches.
And you’ll even find some parallels with The Power Moves.

Also, check out:

Get the book on Amazon

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