Why Men Don’t Love Bitches

why men love bitches book

Why Men Love Bitches (2002) is one of the popular dating books for women advising readers on dating strategies based on emotional and financial independence, personal strength, and some dating games as well.

Quick Review

“Why Men Love Bitches” is the feminist way of dating.

Such as: independent, and high power.

Power is good: this website is all about power and personal empowerment.
However, when it comes to dating, things are different.

Power is almost always good for men, but plenty of research shows that the wrong type of power for women is often counterproductive for women’s dating success.

As the subtitle of the book suggests, such as “from doormat to dreamgirls”, “Why Men Love Bitches” is best suited for women who are “too nice”.

But it is not a very effective strategy for the majority of women.

Just as a quick example, research shows that available women are actually more attractive to men (Birnbaum et al., 2013), and that is the opposite of what this book recommends to women.

Another issue with the book is that it focuses on dating power dynamics and relationship control, which means that “Why Men Love Bitches” is less suited for value-adding, win-win, and supportive relationships.
The risk of going into the “bitch” way of dating, as for toxic masculinity, is that one might start to see relationships as zero-sum games where only one partner can win, and only if the other loses (a mindset leading to combative relationships).

It’s also less suited, in my opinion, for women who want high-quality men, since high-quality men tend to be leaders, and leaders don’t often enjoy a woman who seeks to control the dating process.

What I Learned

There are many great tips and suggestions Sherry Argov shares in “Why Men Love Bitches”.

If I had to pick four that tend to repeat across the book, it would be:

  1. Love yourself and your life first (or you become dependent on him)
  2. Control the pace of the relationship, and keep it slow (or you go too fast and burn out)
  3. Let him come to you
  4. Never make him feel like he “has you” (or he will lose interest)

The overall tone seems to be mostly of “be strong, be independent, and he will fall for you”.
You can read more techniques in:

10 Mindf*ck Ways To Make Him Value You More

And, finally:

What I liked

There are some great insights in “Why Men Love Bitches”.

Sherry Argov gives a lot of very practical and albeit not a psychologist herself, she has high mating intelligence and a good grasp of dating psychology.
As an author focusing on authority, power dynamics, and influence, I also recognize the author has a good grasp of power dynamics, which makes her analysis very on point.

If I had to mention the biggest “aha” moment for me was Argov’s analysis of nagging.
She says nagging reassures men that their women care. So it doesn’t serve to help women win, but only to make him feel like he “has her”.

I agree with that, but I also believe that there is a strong power in nagging that puts pressure on him, frames her as the judge and, potentially, makes her the prize of the relationship (also read: soft power).

Long term nagging also has the power of sculpting the man the way she wants through what in psychology is called “negative reinforcement”, and you can read more about that in “how women control relationships“.

Harriet Braiker, a clinical psychologist and Ph.D., agrees on nagging as an effective behavior-changing tool in “Who’s Pulling Your Strings”, a book dedicated to manipulation and manipulative techniques (Braiker, 2003)

Also take a look at games men play:

10 Games Men Play, And How to Handle Them

What I Didn’t Agree with

The “men VS women” frame is what I dislike.

That type of frame leads to poor relationships and, potentially, to toxic relationships as well.

This is exactly what happened to this reviewer, who started applying the advice in her relationship:

Combative advice makes for combative relationships. It’s that simple.

Unluckily, this is very common in the dating advice industry.
The same happens in many dating books for men.
These books end up being misogynists because they frame dating and relationships as battles to be won (see the review of “The Rational Male” for more).

I usually expect my relationships -and of my partners- to seek mutual support and caring.
Because if not, why being a relationship at all?

Indeed, I believe that it’s a precondition for all great relationships to be focused on adding value to each other and giving. That’s what high-quality men and high-quality women seek.
And that’s why I believe that focusing on power and control only lands you average men and women.

You get the men and women who have little social and emotional intelligence and don’t understand (basic) power dynamics.
The men with basic social skills might still want to fuck her, just out of power, but will prefer different partners for relationships.

After all, why should a man with options be in a relationship with an uncollaborative woman who engages in manipulative games?

High-quality men with options want partners who add value to their lives. These men are often busy building things, increasing their power and influence, and they prefer a supportive woman to help them along their journey.
And if instead of adding value their partner focuses on playing games, they will drop her.

That’s why I advise women (and men) to drop win-lose mindsets and nasty power moves:

10 Nasty Games Women Play (Women, Stop These!)

Dating For High-Quality Relationships

I usually recommend high-quality women who seek high-quality men and who want high-quality relationships to date in a way that plants the seeds for that high-quality relationship.

And a high-quality relationship demands mutual support, which starts with dating.

You can also read:

You can also see one real-life example here.

I found instead the bitch of “Why Men Love Bitches” advise being more on the bellicose end rather than on the “we’re in this together”.

7 Biggest Dating Mistakes Women Do (Before Sex)

Should Women Make Him Chase and Invest?

Sherry Argov recommends women to make him invest in them.

That’s common advice in the dating literature for women and there is some evidence to confirm that it works.

For example, studies show that givers feel more committed to the recipient after giving.
So a man doting and investing on her will like the woman more.
In that sense, “Why Men Love Bitches” is right.

Yet, whether that technique works or backfires, depends highly on the environment you are dating in, and the type of man you are dating.

I go a bit deeper in the numbers in “how to date” but, usually, I don’t recommend women try too hard to make him chase.

Why Not?

Because today there are more high-quality women than men, which gives men an advantage in general.
And that’s even more true for high-quality men.

Asking for big investments upfront drives away the men who have the most options -and those are the ones whom ideally you want to get-.

Just look at this real-life example:

a text example of why men don't love bitches

She dates like a textbook, power-seeking “bitch”.
If I have other options why should I want to date her? Maybe just to bang her. But I can assure you I’d never enter a relationship with that type of woman -and neither would any other smart guy-.

That’s why I say that this approach of “dating like a high-powered bitch” who makes men chase and invest works great… For average and below-average men.

If you don’t believe me, there are studies showing that men prefer kind women. And especially so for long-term relationships.

I recommend you take a look at “why dating for successful women is harder (and what they can do about it)”.

Why Successful Women Fail At Dating (& How to Fix It)

This is especially true if she is not well versed in asking without giving back in equal amounts.
When she dates with “getting as much as possible” in mind, it’s very easy looking like a low-quality woman.
In my opinion, discerning men who are attuned to social dynamics will never be OK with giving and giving without nothing in return (and again, those are ideally the men she wants).

This is why, overall, I cannot fully agree with “Why Men Love Bitches” without adding a few caveats.

Should She Let Him Wait For Sex?

Sherry Argov seems to recommend she lets him wait for sex.

And, again, there are plenty of reasons why that’s a good idea, including the male’s ingrained mindset of dividing women along the “Madonna-whore dichotomy“.

For the exceptions also check out:

And for the techniques on how to actually delay sex, check:

How To Turn Down Sex & Get A Relationship

Do Men Love Bitches?

When reviewing “Do Men Love Bitches”, this is an important question:

Do men love bitches?

The short answer is: no, most men don’t like bitches.

The slightly longer answer is that, as with most things relating to human psychology, we need to start with “it depends”.

A minority of highly driven men can indeed go crazy over the bitch.
Those men are turned on by the quest to control, domesticate, and dominate the independent bitch.

However, we might argue whether that’s a healthy dynamic to set off.
Because those men might indeed tire once she finally relents, and then lose interest.
So the bitch would condemn herself to a lifetime of constant aloofness and distance, becoming in a way a bit of an emotionally unavailable (wo)man.

Most men though will never go for a bitch because they prefer women who are easier to get along with.
These are usually also the mentally healthiest men, and men with a secure attachment style.

This isn’t just my opinion, my personal experience, and my observation with the men around me, but several studies support this view.
You can read more in “submissive VS strong women” and “are men intimidated by strong and independent women?“.

Submissive Women VS Strong Women: Who Wins at Dating?

With some other men, it’s best to make them feel like they have you and they protect you and take care of you.
This is something Sherry Argov also recommends actually, albeit at times as a tool for getting what she wants.

This is the type of man and relationship that Steve Harvey describes in his bestseller Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man.
See an example here:

text example to make men chase and invest

And read the full description here:

In summary: yes, some men are attracted to independent bitches. Her fierce independence can serve as a powerful motivator to make these men pursue her in an effort to tame and dominate them.
On the other hand, that can lead to relationship combativeness and not all men are into that.
Ultimately, the dating market for more submissive and feminine women is larger than the dating market for the bitches (but that’s not to say women should drop their independent ways).

Who Should Read It

“Why Men Love Bitches” can be the perfect book for certain types of women.

I think for women who are too nice, fall in love too quickly or get too clingy.
For these women, it can be a much-needed wake-up call.

It will be a tough pill to swallow and some tough love coming their ways, but it can save them from some major heartache.
In that sense, it’s a bit like the equivalent of the red pill for men, and the corresponding book for men would be “No More Mr. Nice Guy“.

Indeed, the full title is:

Why Men Love Bitches – From Doormat to Dream Girl

Example: The Girl Who Should Have Been Bitchier

For example, I once had a girl who used to drop gifts in my postbox.
Once I told her I got fired and 30 minutes later… She rang at my door with a gift.
I couldn’t even let her come in because… There was another woman at my place.
I can tell you this much: I have never felt more guilty in my dating life than on that evening.

That lady turned clingy and sometimes annoyingly so. And If I had to make her the best gift I could ever do to her, it would be “Why Men Love Bitches”.

On the other hand, I must say that if “too nice girls” are lucky to meet nice guys, or men who appreciate them, then they can be happy without evening learning power dynamics.

I’m glad to say that girl who dropped gifts in my letter-box is now in a long term, happy relationship :).

But Good For Anyone to Understand Power Dynamics

But “Why Men Love Bitches” is also good for more experienced and balanced women who can still improve their understanding of dating power dynamics.

Even I, possibly not the most beginner in these topics, had to learn a lot from Argov.

On top of the insight on nagging, another “aha” moment for me was with men who purposefully push women’s button to make them overreact.
Albeit I don’t think most men do so consciously, that was pure genius insight.

why men love bitches book

My Review

“Why Men Love Bitches” has been a trailblazer.

This is the first book I am aware of that brings some “realpolitik”, power moves-style wisdom into dating for women.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed “Why Men Love Bitches”.

This website also advises readers to learn power dynamics, games men play, and the various power moves of life.
However, you want to grow beyond that eventually, reaching a point where you can also develop more collaborative and win-win relationships.

That’s what’s missing in this book.

You shouldn’t stay stuck with looking at dating and relationships as battlefields, or you’re basically going into “sociopath relationship” mode.

The second warning is that the dating approach in this book works with more average men.
The “alpha-female” style of dating is more of an exception when you want to find high-quality, driven men.
And yes, exceptions are real, and you can always be one. But you generally want to be the rule, and not the exception.

That’s why my rating is 3: to serve as a reminder that relationships can be more than a zero-sum game.

That warning being given, I recommend “Why Men Love Bitches”, and it’s very in line with the content I put out here at The Power Moves.

Also check out:

Get the book on Amazon

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